Tommy by JRyans - Short, Family, Kids - An act of kindness leads a young boy to a far-reaching implication. 13 pages - pdf, format

Tommy II by JRyans - Short, Family, Kids - A  common deed of two young orphans becomes a passage leads them to the reality of their imaginaries. - pdf, format

James, sorry ,man, but this is a mess.

Read your logline first of all.  What in the world are you trying to say?  It makes no sense.

It's not surprising that your sentence structure in your actual script is also all over the place with different, incorrect tenses and nonsensical structure.  Lots and lots of very passive writing.

Maybe English is not your first language...I don't know, but this isn't going to work as written.

Sorry for coming off harshly, but you need to be aware of this.

Take care.

Dreamscale,

I didn't know this already up. Actually, it's still a work in progress. It was an overnight work. Took me about 2hrs to write without an outline and I knew it's going to be a mess. I already handed it to Simon. He's already halfway to finish. It'll be revived after Simon finished it.

More to come, thanks.

Jimmy.

Quoted from JR ...it's still a work in progress.

Then why on earth would you have submitted this do Don, who is obviously quite busy these days?

And please do not use this thread to copy-and-paste scene after scene after scene as with "Visit".

Get a final version, stash it away for a week, without peeking at it, then proof it, then submit.

Bert,

After I finished it, Tommy, then submitted it. Was thinking of someone else would help me because Simon was still working on the Visit. But it came to a surprise that he said he would take a look when I asked. I was afraid it'd be too much for him 'cause I'm not the only one he's helping with. And I said it's a work in progress because I already handed to him and he IS working on it rightnow.

And I'd like to say thanks to you for deleting my post of the scenes in the Visit which I said was the important scenes in its full version. Because I wasn't too sure before&after posting it. Then again, it came a surprise that you deleted it. Really, thanks.

And yes! Tommy is also a part of a feature lenght that I have in mind. And it's not just a feature lenght, it's a sequence. But don't worry, it'll be awhile before I start working on it since I am now working on something else.

And I apologize for posting scene after scene in the Visit, it's just because it came from the same source and I thought it would be easier having someone helping while working on it.

Jimmy,

Quoted Text Script submissions are closed until August 1, 2012. Or, until we've gotten caught up on past submissions.

Sweet, was finding a path to throw in the girl version of Tommy, Tommy 2(Lelia), then that popped up.

The revised script of Tommy is updated.

About half page longer and also credited to my co-writer, Simon, who helped me refine the story make it a lot easier to read. Thanks, Simon.

FYI - If you're a fan of Tommy, I encourage you to look forward to read the second piece, Tommy 2(Lelia). It's a side story of the Tommy about Lelia. Yes, it'll be more focused on Lelia than Tommy himself. It'll be a lot longer, actually, it's more than double size of Tommy, more than 20 pages. But the story is a lot better, I promise. Better plot and better style. I make the story a bit like emo-style, think about Harry Potter. I have included a scene from Tommy but I'm not going to tell or the story'll be spoiled. Due to the SS trying to catch up with their past submissions of scripts, it won't be up until next month or so.

I am working on the third piece now, it'll be called, Tommy 3(the Pact). Oop... I think I revealed too much but it's only title so, it's ok.

Thanks for reading and best to all,

Jimmy.

Well, now that the script is actually read to be reviewed, I gave it a look.

The good news is: this is a lot better than Visit.  To be brutally honest, I thought Visit was confusing and a bit boring.  Sorry, but it just wasn't for me.

This, at the very least, isn't confusing (thanks in large part to Simon's contribution).  It is well written, but I'm stuck on something.

Why would you divide this into three scripts, Jimmy?  Looking back on this, nothing really happened.  A boy was nice to a girl and gets adopted.  Has to choose between a new sister and a best friend at an orphanage.  Why not combine the three scripts into one feature or something?  This first part just left me dissatisfied.

I think anyone could agree that it would be more cohesive.  Would you rather watch three short films on one storyline or one feature?

All that said, there's not much else to fault it on.  The writing is fine and there's nothing blatantly sticking out.  Right now, though, it doesn't feel much like a story, but part of a bigger one.

Quoted Text The good news is: this is a lot better than Visit.  To be brutally honest, I thought Visit was confusing and a bit boring.  Sorry, but it just wasn't for me.

Visit is part of a fantasy. You need to take your time read it, slowly in order to make some sense out of it. If you speed-read, you'll left a lot of doubts... why that happened? Why David doesn't seem scare of Lilly? Why David is her connection? Why Lilly has to choose David to be her connection? Whoop... the answers are in the second piece. I'll shape it out and use the technique to "because" to all the "why's" that readers have in the Visit.

Quoted Text I think anyone could agree that it would be more cohesive.  Would you rather watch three short films on one storyline or one feature?

Exactly! That's what I had... maybe still have in mind. I have a few ideas racing in my head about Tommy and its sequences. 1/. I did bring it up and talked to Simon about turning all 3 pieces into 1 feature. But the idea kind of dropped when I realized that Simon doesn't seem to have much time for it. 2/. I kind of want to turn them 3 into children's books instead because the real feature of Tommy that I have in the outline are nothing like these pieces.

Quoted Text Right now, though, it doesn't feel much like a story, but part of a bigger one.

Well, once you read all 3 pieces, you'll be fulfilled.

Thanks for reading it and liked it,

Jimmy.

Hi Jimmy,

The first thing I have to ask you is, why is your name 'Jimmy' on SS, but on scripts you go by the name of James? Which one is your real name? lol.

Onto the script...

Wow, has your writing come a long way or what? Seriously, you've gone from an almost unreadable script, to something that flows well and is very easy to interpret (apart from a few things, which I'll get to, soon.). Getting Simon in on this one was a good decision on your part.

I've never seen a log-line on a page before the script actually starts. Seems a little weird to me, to be honest. Anybody who doesn't know that this is part of a three-script series when they discover that the log-line doesn't really apply to this script. Perhaps you want to make it more clear that this is in fact a three-part project?

Although your writing style is definitely  developing, there are a few tiny things that I think are worth mentioning. I still think you have problems with describing the important stuff. Take your character descriptions, for example. You hardly describe them at all. Now, I know that you getting on to your story is an important thing, but knowing your characters is just as important. They help tell the story, so spend a little more time when it comes to describing them.

For example...

"A woman stands by a bench, VICKY (26), sunglasses on, she videos with a mobile phone." - From a personal point of view, this description simply isn't enough. When we first see a character, we want to be able to make a judgement on that character, based on their appearance. How can we make a judgement, based on a characters age and the fact that they wear sunglasses? You may be thinking 'Vicky's a fairly average person, she wears fairly average clothes...' Then still take the time in describing these clothes. Makes your script more visual and on top of that, entertaining. It's a tricky thing, describing things without over-describing things, but it's something that all of us need learn.

I have to admit, when you have the PHONE SCREEN shots, I was a little confused. Are they watching a pre-recorded video, or are they filming it as it happens?

Page 3:

"VICKY

and Mark are talking to other adults next to the bench." - Try specify how big the group of adults are. Again, it's a visual thing. I can't see the bigger picture unless you paint it.

The decision to adopt Tommy seems a little unrealistic. There's no consultation between Mark and Vicky and it all just seems a bit weird. Surely a couple madly in love would at discuss making such a massive decision?? I don't know, just an idea.

Page 5: "turn-downed" should be "turned-down."

"Couples" should be "Couple."

Page 6: "Her face is pale, seems to know what is happening." - What IS happening? You're not particularly clear at this point. Has Tommy already dismissed the couple, or something along those lines? I know the answer to that question now, but at the time of reading, I was confused as hell.

I have to agree with Gage. This short doesn't feel like a short, at all. However, it does feel like an opening to a feature-length. And a pretty could feature-length, at that.

Although, this doesn't feel like it's going places, yet, I'm still sold for the next part of it. I'm incredibly interested in reading Tommy2 now

Overall, a good job. Give yourself a pat on the back and shout yourself a drink. Your writing has improved, so spare the time to be proud of that. And make sure you thank Simon, as I suspect he has a fair bit to do with the actual writing.

Keep up the good work

Daniel

James = Official -- Jimmy = Nick -- solved?

Quoted Text Wow, has your writing come a long way or what? Seriously, you've gone from an almost unreadable script, to something that flows well and is very easy to interpret (apart from a few things, which I'll get to, soon.). Getting Simon in on this one was a good decision on your part.

Thanks to Simon.

Quoted Text I've never seen a log-line on a page before the script actually starts. Seems a little weird to me, to be honest. Anybody who doesn't know that this is part of a three-script series when they discover that the log-line doesn't really apply to this script. Perhaps you want to make it more clear that this is in fact a three-part project?

I figured having the logline before the story kind of giving the reader a hint to the story before starting to read it. I know it's weird because none has done before but it's not a script to produce or in a competition, is it? And the logline does apply to the story, not to all the 3 pieces. Each piece owns its own logline.

Quoted Text Although your writing style is definitely  developing, there are a few tiny things that I think are worth mentioning. I still think you have problems with describing the important stuff. Take your character descriptions, for example. You hardly describe them at all. Now, I know that you getting on to your story is an important thing, but knowing your characters is just as important. They help tell the story, so spend a little more time when it comes to describing them.

I'm all ears.

Quoted Text A woman stands by a bench, VICKY (26), sunglasses on, she videos with a mobile phone." - From a personal point of view, this description simply isn't enough. When we first see a character, we want to be able to make a judgement on that character, based on their appearance. How can we make a judgement, based on a characters age and the fact that they wear sunglasses? You may be thinking 'Vicky's a fairly average person, she wears fairly average clothes...' Then still take the time in describing these clothes. Makes your script more visual and on top of that, entertaining. It's a tricky thing, describing things without over-describing things, but it's something that all of us need learn.

Are you saying Vicky wearing no clothes? Are you imagine my characters are naked? lmao... Just kidding! Are you sure about describing each character on what they wear? I already feel kind of weird just to think of it. Is it neccessary to do that? The way I see, It's just a short script. Actually, I did mention abit about her, though. She's blond and having her hair tied in pigtail and wearing jean. But after I handed it to Simon, he stripped her off. lmao... Kidding! But yeah, I did mention her that way and I think Simon must have thought that it's just a short script so, it's not neccessaary to have those descriptions up there. And I kind of think so too. Short script should simply focus on the story. But you're also right, though. If Vicky is sitting in the office or at a workplace somewhere, then we should put some clothes on her. But that's in the playground, of course we all know who's wearing what as regular basic bla bla... I'm sure you know what I meant.

Quoted Text I have to admit, when you have the PHONE SCREEN shots, I was a little confused. Are they watching a pre-recorded video, or are they filming it as it happens?

Seriously? I don't really get you here. Are you confused or the story confused you? Are you speed-read? Yes, you are. The only way you get that confused is because you didn't get throught the whole story in order or skip-read here and there. If you did, I don't think that'd happened. Of course, they filming as it happens. Make way, I'mma punch Dan in the face to bring him back. lols.. Just kdding!

Quoted Text and Mark are talking to other adults next to the bench." - Try specify how big the group of adults are. Again, it's a visual thing. I can't see the bigger picture unless you paint it.

Ah man, it's in the park. How big you want me to paint? the whole damn park? Come on, man. You can visualize it yourself. You're one of the writers, shouldn't you already have some kind of the vision?

Quoted Text The decision to adopt Tommy seems a little unrealistic. There's no consultation between Mark and Vicky and it all just seems a bit weird. Surely a couple madly in love would at discuss making such a massive decision?? I don't know, just an idea.

I did mention that outside the church office when they having their conversation with Sisiter Leah before leaving the church. On page 9. Please, go check it out again.

Quoted Text Page 5: "turn-downed" should be "turned-down."

Shuck!! I did say "turn-downed" what in the world. HAHA... Thanks.

Quoted Text "Couples" should be "Couple."[quote] Thanks. This always happens to me from time to time. i keep thinking two people should have an S. But it takes two to make "a" couple. Typo-ish. [quote]Page 6: "Her face is pale, seems to know what is happening." - What IS happening? You're not particularly clear at this point. Has Tommy already dismissed the couple, or something along those lines? I know the answer to that question now, but at the time of reading, I was confused as hell.

Imagine, they're in the orphanage. THe two are best friend. They sure get the idea of someone come to visit anyone and they know "what is happening" that they're going to be aparted by one get adopted. Dan, excuse me for saying this, but you don't seem to have acknowledge of anything about the orphanage, do you? Or maybe it's me. I thought everybody knows about things like that. I'm pretty sure, in the second piece will confuse you even more because it plays out a lot more than this piece. Plus, it's even longer, 27 pages. Almost 3 times the origine.

Quoted Text I have to agree with Gage. This short doesn't feel like a short, at all. However, it does feel like an opening to a feature-length. And a pretty could feature-length, at that.

No! Both of you are wrong. If I didn't revealed about having other pieces, I don't think you get the idea of having the other pieces. You keep thinking it's a part of a feature. But it "wasn't" I didn't plan for the feature when I started writing it. I mentioned somewhere in my post that the feature I planned in the outline are nothing like it. Honestly, the feature is about those kids grown up. ShiiT! it's a lot of killing. I turn Tommy into a killing machine, a fugitive. I don't mean the sci-fi killing machine, I mean the killing for revenge. I shouldn't revealed this, but you seem too confused. The thing is, I now burried myself in the kid version, it shouldn't be happening at all, the feature of the kid version, i mean. But the ideas keep popping up and I can't help but to continue writing it. You're right at one thing, I did plan to have the very first part of the first piece(Tommy) in the grown up version. Only to tell that Tommy is their adopted son and that is all. But now... KA'BOOM!!! I'm deep in the ocean of kid version. Funny, isn't it? But I'm still going to pursue for the grown up version. I just have to finish this kid version first. It's almost there.

Quoted Text Although, this doesn't feel like it's going places, yet, I'm still sold for the next part of it. I'm incredibly interested in reading Tommy2 now

Umm... Are you sure? Because you seem very confusing in this piece, 10 pages. You're sure you can handle three times of its size? For instance, I can't wait for you to read it, I want to know if you can handle it. lolz... Just a hunch, the third is more confusing than these two, loads of flashbacks, cut back and forth between their presents and pasts. More pages and additional combinations of the part1 and part2. That's why I feel like I don't want to release the 3rd piece and in exchange, I want to turn all 3 into a feature in stead because it contains both of them 1 & 2. I think I just said, " them 2." It sounds pretty cool, them2, them3 lolz...

Quoted Text Overall, a good job. Give yourself a pat on the back and shout yourself a drink. Your writing has improved, so spare the time to be proud of that. And make sure you thank Simon, as I suspect he has a fair bit to do with the actual writing.

Can't thank him enough. I mean Simon.

Thanks for taking a glance at it. I appreciate it and if I have said something that might causes... you know, an issue. Please, just ignore it. It's just me. lolz...

Call me "JR" if you find it hard to follow my actual name and nick.

-JR-

Hey JR,

Quoted from JR Umm... Are you sure? Because you seem very confusing in this piece, 10 pages. You're sure you can handle three times of its size? For instance, I can't wait for you to read it, I want to know if you can handle it. lolz... Just a hunch, the third is more confusing than these two, loads of flashbacks, cut back and forth between their presents and pasts. More pages and additional combinations of the part1 and part2. That's why I feel like I don't want to release the 3rd piece and in exchange, I want to turn all 3 into a feature in stead because it contains both of them 1 & 2. I think I just said, " them 2." It sounds pretty cool, them2, them3 lolz...

There was only that PHONE SCREEN thing that confused me in the entire script. To me, it didn't read particularly well and it wasn't a personal jab at you, at all.

As to the clothes thing, I'd go with Simon's judgement on the matter. He is more experienced and definitely knows more about writing than I do haha.

I didn't speed read. If I had, your review wouldn't have been as long as it is. When I get asked to review something, I make damn sure I do a proper job on it. Speed-reading, therefore, is out of the question.

Quoted from JR Dan, excuse me for saying this, but you don't seem to have acknowledge of anything about the orphanage, do you? Or maybe it's me. I thought everybody knows about things like that.

Mate, in all honesty, I've never set foot inside an orphanage, which is why I think you should describe things like this with a more visual mind. JMHO.

Anyway, good to see you're not telling me to fuck off and threatening to spit in my face JK

Daniel

Quoted Text Anyway, good to see you're not telling me to fuck off and threatening to spit in my face JK

Lol to that.

I think I'm the only one who threaten people to spit in their faces lolz... I did spit on two people, though. A friend and an ex.

He mocked me and teased me because I losed a race, a motorcycle race. It wasn't an official race. We raced on a traffic road against the other team for a couple hundred dollars just to look kool and stuffs. You know, teenagers. It wasn't here in the states, it was in the previous country where I'm originally from. I was already pissed from the losing and he kept teasing and mocking... You and I the same, I don't think anybody can take it. Imagine, you bring a can of gas and pour over on a pile of fire. You're damn sure gonna get burned. He's shorter and skinnier, I knew I can't get physical with him so, I spitted in his face instead. Lolz... God, it was in the public. In a coffee shop where we usually hung out. Most of our friends were there and other people, too. I humiliated him in front of the public. He didn't deserve it. I wish I could that back.

And my ex, she was b*tching, shouting at me and stuffs. It wasn't in public, though. It was in our room. We were fighting over something I don't remember. We fought over a lot of things. Lolz... That girl really knew how to push your button. I almost slap her but I'm not that kind of guy. There's no way I'd get myself in trouble for hitting a girl. I think she meant for me to lay a hand on her so, she can sue me over. Then BAM! She get spitted in the face in stead and left the room, crying. Not long after then, we broke up. Yes! This happened in the states a few years ago.

Ever since, when I get into an altercation with somebody, I always threaten to spit on their faces in stead of get involved in physical. Otherwise, both sides will get hurt. Plus, spitting will hurt the person's feeling even more by humiliating them in public. But you can still get ticket if cops catch you spit in public. Not in someone's face, but if they sue you, that's different. -JR-

W...T...F?

Dude...easy, bro.  What fucking country are you from?  You're butchering the English language.

Quoted from Dreamscale W...T...F?

WTF indeed.

I'm sorry but I have to say that spitting at someone is one of the most disgusting and offensive things you can do, and why you would share this little story is beyond me.

And as for this.

Quoted from danbotha Anyway, good to see you're not telling me to fuck off and threatening to spit in my face.

If this is indeed the case, I have on idea why Dan is still talking to you let alone leaving you feedback. He's a better and more bland person than me, put it that way.

As for the script, I've read it but it didn't do a lot for me. Just not my thing at all I'm afraid.

Steve

P.S Simon's surname is still spelled wrong.