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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Those That Help Themselves - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Those That Help Themselves - 10/12 OWC  (currently 2718 views)
Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Those That Help Themselves by Anonymous Yevette - Short - Two men and one woman on the way to their next music gig find a deserted motel and a free room in a hurricane. But is it luck that brought them here? - pdf, format


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was good. All three characters have visions and tie into the plot. Hurricane check. I think it's low budget, depends on how detailed the director would want to shoot that dead body. Decent dialogue. Good effort here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, but I'm out on Page 3.

The writing is very passive.  Very awkward in places.  Very overwritten in places.  "(CONTINUED)" on tops and bottoms of pages.  Dialogue goes nowhere.  Characters are far from interesting so far.  Just very amateur and juvenile, sorry to say.

I've seen much worse in this OWC and normally, I'd continue, but I already know it's not a strong entry, so I'm out.

Good job entering, though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Didn't work for me, sorry to say.  The dialogue was pretty cliche and the real conflict didn't come into play until late in the story and by then my interest was waned.  The actual decision of the trio having to decide who gets it first is a good one but it felt like an afterthought when it finally happened.  

As far as the supernatural element, yeah it was there, but it just didn't hit the mark for me.

Sorry, not much else to say.

Greg


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nawazm11
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was good. The writing at the beginning was passive but it got better towards the end.

Some of the dialogue was questionable but needs more originality, it felt stale and went by very slow.

The story was pretty simple but I liked how you got there. Make the pages flow faster and better and I think you have something here. Otherwise it was good.

My grade: C+ but take that lightly.
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crookedowl
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, you should really work on the writing here.

Use "Alison walks" instead of "Alison is walking." Keep it active.

Or this: "Walking through the car and to the office window, she is now in a panic."

This sentence is awkwardly written, plus it's passive as well. Could be: "In a panic, she walks through the car and to the office window." (What do you mean, "she walks through the car", anyway?)

This line starts off well:

"Itís a storm. Trees strain in the ripping wind. Water pelts the road, buildings, anything underneath it."

...but what do you mean "anything underneath it"?

"A strange smell hits him."

On film, there's no way of knowing what he smells, unless we see his reaction. So maybe you could say "Gil wrinkles his nose at a strange smell." It's more visual that way.

Anyway, hope this gives you some ideas for revisions. Good job completing the OWC.
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DaveTroop
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing the OWC!

I stayed with it to the end.  

However, I agree that there wasn't too much to keep me interested.

There were many issues with formatting which other members posted.  Too many CONTIUEDs and CONT2... took me out of the story.

Too many passive verbs like is walking...etc.

The characters were not very interesting imo.  

Thanks for playing.


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LC
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, bit of a whacky story here & a bit disjointed as if you couldn't quite make up your mind as to plot.

You'll notice the SS mob all going on about your 'passive writing'/'overdescriptions' etc. Thing is, if you had a rip-roaring story going on here none of that would have mattered to me - that stuff can be fixed quite easily...and they know that too.

Unfortunately the story, as is, is a bit rambling and unfocused and a few of your descriptions are not constructed very well i.e. 'the two pairs of feet gingerly walk past the cat's toy - a human ear' - I had to read that twice to get it, at the very least it's ambiguous.

Good job for entering the OWC - it was imh a tough challenge.


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RJ
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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This seemed like a very rushed job.

I can see the story behind it, which is a good one and I liked most of the dialogue, but couldn't picture enough action.

I thought the opening scene with Alison was good, but I could definitley read between the lines at midpoint with what happened there.

With a re-write this could be a lot better.

Good effort.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 4:02am Report to Moderator
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Made it to the end, but still not sure what was going on here.  Some of the passages had a rather stilted feel to them.

On page 2, instead of 4ft, you should actually write out four feet.

Really light on any story progression until they get to the body.

As for the ending, it was unclear who pounded on the glass.  Alison says "a friend" but that's not much of an explanation.

Not bad, but suffered from a lack of action and clarity in places.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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kind of reminded me of Shallow Grave

i think there was enough in the core premise of three people find a stash of cash and the consequences with taking it. I appreciate the OWC demanded a supernatural event and that probably got in the way as, on balance, it confused rather than added.

otherwise quite tight, not expensive to do and could be tense and dynamic

all the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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The story opens up really slow for me. I was on page 8 when I found myself wondering that I still dont know much about those people as well as the story.

Id think you better cut on your dialog.

For me the real story started on page ten. Wish it hapened much earlier.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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This one felt like it didn't have an ending... or many attempts at answering questions. You have a single line of dialogue telling us why the people are at the motel. You have the "A friend" ending which makes no sense because you don't say who that friend is. Maybe it's the ghost of the dead guy in the shower, but they didn't know him beforehand so I don't know how it could have been him nor do I have a clue who else it could have been.

I don't know what to make of this one because you never really explained anything and, to be honest, the writing itself was a little rough.

D.


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Eoin
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Starting this with a dream sequence didn't help the story in any way, from what i could see.

I felt the action description was awkward in places, maybe it's a fresh effort from a newbie or a complete last minute scramble for the finish line.

Uses of present continuous instead of present simple and things like. 'The rain stopped' - should be 'the rain stops'. Everything in a script in happening NOW.

The characters need more description to sear them into our head.

The story was okay, if a little confusing. It needs more clarity.
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DV44
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hits and misses throughout as stated above but I liked it. You were probably rushed to finish as most people were and it just needs a good rewrite. Congrats on writing the OWC.
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