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Damages by Anonymous Greg - Short - When a priest chooses an old motel as sanctuary from a hurricane, he must protect his entrusted companion from an unstable resident, the violent elements, and possibly, even himself. - pdf, format
I'm not quite sure what to make of this one. I mean, you definitely set up a misdirection with the ending, but I'm not sure what the point of it all was. You kept cutting back to news on the storm and this backstory which connected the three people (which I enjoyed, by the way) but you skipped over the climax, No Country For Old Men-style.
I'm guessing he exorcised her while she was asleep, but to be honest, I still think he should've killed the Priest in the end. It would've made for a better ending if the true holy man killed the Priest to protect the girl, only to find out that the Priest was helping her.
Hmm, another one that I'm not sure I followed. One of the reviews said the priest exorcised Destiny, but I thought Destiny was a drug addict that the Priest was trying to help. Amir is the survivor of sex abuse from his days in the orphanage, and mistook Father Thomas for the priest who molested him. Or, that's how I read it.
So, I felt sort of a disconnect between the two storylines. They never really met until the very end, when Amir's apparent epiphany happens. But then he just runs out the door. Gave the script a "meh" conclusion.
Anyway, pretty good descriptions and the dialogue was decent, but got a little hammy at the end there.
Amid - I wasn't sure whether he was set up as a killer or self harmer? I went for killer which...
Then confused as to why we walks away at the end, just like that. I liked the tension of is the father good or bad, is destiny at the whim of two killers, but even then she freaks, runs out, fears for him, then does a 180 with little reason. Wasn't sold on that. Did I miss something?
Because of the ending I felt Amir wasn't resolved, besides during the script a little too much bible talk. We got the message early on.
Decent effort. What were there previous suprenatural events? Did the storm play much of a part? Hey, it won't for most.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Pretty good entry. The ending was the highlight for me. To find out the priest was truly trying to help her. Wish there was some more backstory there. Definitely found it odd that he was carrying her down the street in the beginning.
There was some decisions made, Samir decides not to kill the priest eventhough he was obbviously violated by one. Destiny defends the priest even before she realizes why he took her shirt off. This could probably make a great little short with a rewrite and without the constraints of the challenge.
Motel: Check Hurricane: Check Micro budget: Check Characters: More stereotypical then odd. The honorable priest, the innocent girl, and the troubled believer Choice: To kill or not kill the priest Supernatural: Not clear
Plenty of time is spent on Amir's facets: a cutter, a victim, a believer and a lunatic. A little more time on the back story for the priest and girl would help.
I liked the portrayal of Amir, a very troubled soul. Nice set up with Father Thomas and Destiny. The end felt rushed though. Maybe too much set up and weather reports. If some of that were trimmed and we saw a bit more of Father Thomas it may have flowed better. But it was still good.
I was breezing through this story until this--"but where is her shirt?" Took me right out. You had a great flow up until that point. There are more creative ways to let us know she realizes her shirt is off.
A tear rolls down her cheek ‘she was wrong’. -- "she was wrong" is not needed here. You conveyed that when she said she was sorry.
GREAT job on this difficult OWC. One of my faves in the first 20.
This one's good but the ending didn't live up to the billing - it was little flat.
I enjoyed this for most part, Amir is a tortured soul well captured, and it's just a shame that this his burning anger didn't have far worse consequences at the end which would have gave this a more satisfying ending IMO.
Could the Priest and Destiny be better set-up? Maybe but this was a difficult challenge and I think you've ticked of most if not all the requirements - maybe the supernatural past was missing but otherwise, it's all here. A really good effort but this reminded me of a steady Eddy type story which is solid but safe - I wasn't blown away by it. On the other hand, this is top of the pile for me so far but I've still got 30 to go so let's see if it can stay there
This is by far the best written one from the first six I've read. Looks like it's written by one of the more experienced members and other than a few nitpicks, excellent stuff for a week's worth.
I was getting concerned about half a page in with the amount of capping going on but this died down as the piece moved on but I still think it was overused... sparingly some say but maybe this is preference.
This one was just okay for me. You certainly manage to create a good atmosphere and a build up of tension, but this then leads to a disappointing ending that kinda falls flat.
You did an excellent job of creating a troubled character in Amir, showing glimpses of his self harming and an insight into his troubled past. It's a shame that after such a strong build up he just ends up crying and running out of the door.
It might have made for a more powerful ending had he killed the Father before realising he had made a mistake. Although this wouldn't have then fit into the 'survive the night' criteria, it would certainly have been a more explosive climax.
While you clearly have a lot of talent, this does tend to veer form well-written to over-written on occasion. And also - the constant weather updates on the TV seemed like a waste. Establish the hurricane situation and leave it at that.
Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel? Check.
Odd but interesting character(s)? Check. Every character was interesting, especially Amir.
Choosing between good & evil to survive the night? Check. WIth the intervention from Destiny, Amir sees the light and spares the Father his life.
Past supernatural event? Fail. I don't think being abused by a man of the cloth counts as supernatural.
Micro budget? Check. Although this takes place in several locations within the motel and has a couple of outer scenes, if shot cleverly it could easily be done on a modest budget.
Exceptionally well written. You have a very strong command of technique and flair, and an eye for the cinematic. A solid foundation to build upon, good for you.
The story here is the problem. There are some great elements, some fantastic details, great characterization, but they never come together to form a whole. Amir's introduction is so powerful I wanted more about him, but instead we get a pseudo-exorcism that's really just a mundane detox or overdose treatment. That's a huge let-down after hinting at more interesting things. Amir's reaction was too forced for the climax, there wasn't enough story to support it so it felt spoon-fed to me.
The other problem here is the read was far more interesting than the filming would be. So much of what's on the page wouldn't be seen on the screen. We get a lot of strong action words and supernatural descriptions to propel the reader, but when it comes to filming they wouldn't translate visually with the same impact.
Good attempt from an obviously skilled writer, but the story needs to be stronger and more focused.