SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 16th, 2019, 2:07am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Pond Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Pond  (currently 3296 views)
Don
Posted: November 23rd, 2012, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13257
Posts Per Day
1.95
Pond by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short, Drama - A young woman about to inherit her family's plantation accompanies her father's men on an expedition to round up slaves to train and auction. 7 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
danbotha
Posted: November 23rd, 2012, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Invercargill, New Zealand
Posts
723
Posts Per Day
0.27
Mark! Once again you have proven yourself an excellent writer. Jumped right into this when I saw your name, forgetting to read the log-line... Think it's fair to say I'm a fan

Not a lot to say about this one, I'm afraid. Didn't pick up any writing issues... No typos, nothing that didn't make sense.

I have to admit, I found myself lost in the dialogue, on occasion, but after reading over, I soon caught up.

Just a quick question... What time period are we working with here? I understand slavery in America was abolished some time ago, so that leaves the question... Is this screenplay set in the past or future? Or even an alternative form to the modern day? While it's abolished in America, slavery is still a big part of many African nations, so I wonder if you may have gotten the inspiration from that?? I don't know, maybe I missed something.

In terms of story, I liked it. I thought I would. However, I do feel it's very reliant on that dialogue. Not necessarily a bad thing, but as I've mentioned before I did get lost in the dialogue. I may be the only one, but if other people struggle with it, your story might not come across as clearly as you hoped for.

Overall, still an awesome read.

Cheers,

Dan


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 42
nawazm11
Posted: November 23rd, 2012, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
979
Posts Per Day
0.34
Not sure what to think with this one.

SPOILERS

I assume the disease in the pond was Aids? Wait, I'm pretty sure it was. You actually had me going there, thinking they were actually old . I like it how it's a revenge type deal but how would Margaret know the disease passes through bodily fluids? And why would the first thing she does is make him have sex with her? Sounds a little too bizarre TBH. Unless that's not what happened?

I suppose it was alright, a nice take on the origin of aids.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 42
rc1107
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 8:15am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1272
Posts Per Day
0.28
Hey Dan.

Thanks for taking a read.  This one was actually written in one day about a year and a half ago for one of the heads up challenges Michael was running for a little while.  I came across it a couple weeks ago and decided I really liked it and thought I'd post it up after extending one of the scenes a little bit.

The story takes place in 1840's, Louisianna.  We were given a logline and had to write a story based on that.  I think the logline was something like 'In 1840's New Orleans, a debutante searches for the fountain of youth in a graveyard.'

I wasn't actually one of the two in the heads up challenge, but this story popped into my head and I wanted to get it down on paper anyway.

Thanks for taking a look and letting me know your thoughts.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 3 - 42
rc1107
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 8:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1272
Posts Per Day
0.28
Hey nawazm.

Thanks for also taking a read.

Yeah, the virus in the pond was the beginning of aids.  Although, I think the original origin of aids has something to do with monkeys, I thought this might make a cool little twist.


Quoted from nawazm
I like it how it's a revenge type deal but how would Margaret know the disease passes through bodily fluids? And why would the first thing she does is make him have sex with her?


Actually, Margaret doesn't even know she's been infected yet.  She just wants some lovin', and that's why Armand's now scared that she starts hitting on him.  He wasn't expecting that.  I foreshadow a little bit in the first scene that Margaret does check out Armand's muscles and sticks her chest out a little more to impress him.

Anyway, thanks again for checking this one out, nawazm.  You got any stories posted around on SS?  I remember seeing you around here and there, but don't remember if I ever read anything of yours.  Let me know.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 4 - 42
nawazm11
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
979
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey, RC.

I suppose that makes a lot more sense now . My bad.

I recently wrote a feature that I'll post on SS in the coming weeks so if you have the time, would you mind reading it? It's a lot to ask and I can understand if you're busy.

Anyway, catch ya later.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 42
Sham
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Georgia
Posts
366
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey Mark,

I liked this. Your pacing, flow, and characterizations are all top notch. Itís your sudden, dare I sayójarringóending that left a bitter taste in my mouth. My biggest issue with this short is that Margaret is so wonderfully made out to be the villain, yet itís our hero Armand who gets the just desserts. Why?

Iím not saying you canít have an unhappy ending (The Mist is just one of several films that proves itís possible), but I just didnít feel satisfied when this one was over. I want to know what happens next, and I want to see if Armand is smart enough to weasel his way out of this miscalculated comeuppance.

Good job, though. I did enjoy it.

Best,

Chris


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 42
ABennettWriter
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
San Francisco, CA
Posts
917
Posts Per Day
0.21
I don't know if I like this. Good writing, and good descriptions, but it comes across a little flat.

Why would Africans speak English so well? And AIDS is spread through fluids, true, but she has to have an open wound. Even if you drink infected semen or blood, even by accident, it's chances of spreading are very low.

I like the idea but not really the reasoning behind it. Two Africans trick a white woman into tricking a white woman into poisoning herself is clever but the ending doesn't work for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 42
stevemiles
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 12:03am Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
680
Posts Per Day
0.22
Mark,

Interesting idea. Would agree the location/period isnít all that clear through the writing, but it does little to detract from the story.

Some of Etienneís dialogue felt a little unnatural during the V.O -- I think you could achieve the same result with less.

The log-line didnít seem to wholly relate to the story/action (the mention of the inheritance and expedition seem unnecessary) -- in a way this story is about something very different.

Think the allusion to Aids is a interesting one but it does complicate a simple idea. Other than that an enjoyable read. Loved that twist at the end.  

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 42
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 1:11am Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
849
Posts Per Day
0.32
Mark,

There where parts of this story that I thought were brilliant. You set a fantastic tone from the start. What really got me sucked in was the dialogue about the pond. Big time page turner for sure. When the mythos of the pond was revealed, it was a hard pill for me to swallow, but I still was glad you had Margaret take a dip. Pretty dark and tense.

I was left wondering if there were other motives or story to tell. If I were Armand, I'd start looking for the pond that cures aids.

Later,

Johnny
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 42
Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 10:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2525
Posts Per Day
0.85
Hey mark,

Must owe you a read.

I like the overall aim but feel the execution could be a bit sharper, not the writing per se but the way it is woven together.

At present it relies heavily of the slaves telling about the pond. At the end I was thinking more of cholera or another water born tropical water born disease like bilharzia,  than aids. After all, we know, or assume to know, that aids wasn't a present in those days. But having said that, it could work.

Small point, but in them times, is it realistic than the slaves could have been living for so long own their own, and the girl believe it? Don't know.

Perhaps it could have a little more cause and effect to help the set up. Eg girl falls off a horse because of the female slave, viciously attacks her for ruining her hair, or some other form of vanity eg torn dress, which the male slave then persuades her of the pond of youth to save the female slave, only for the disease to be revealled. The end where the revenge comes back to bite him, so to speak, could be done in a few ways. Eg she drags him to the pond to swim with her? This way you don't have an aids conundrum in that era.

Anyway,  just thoughts.

A simple, well paced read with a nice underlying idea and twist.

Cheers


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 42
CoopBazinga
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 10:40am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1223
Posts Per Day
0.43
Hey Mark,

I donít have much to add on this one and to be totally honest I found it a little boring as in not a lot really happened for me.

I think I understood the time period, I donít know my slave history too well but I believe the Creole people is French descendants in Louisiana from the 19th century but a ďsuperĒ have helped me along here and I could be completely wrong of course?

The dialogue was a bit misleading though, it was like Etienne couldnít speak proper English at first but then she became more fluent as the piece went on Ė maybe this was intentional to help them along with the lie.

Thatís the best part here for me, they lied to Margaret for some kind of revenge and it came back to haunt Armand at the end, nice twist of events.

If there could be something different then I would make Margaret more likeable to the audience Ė how tragic would it be if she was just a nice little girl but trying hard to come off like a proper higher class lady in front of these slaves, some early family exchange could accomplish this.

Then how would the twist play out? Yeah, guess this would take the story into another direction thinking about it that werenít aiming for.

Is the disease in the pond Aids? Obviously a different spin because the provenance was Africa I believe Ė certainly an interesting take on a such a disease.

The writingís fine and I was never tripped up but I have to admit to finding the story a bit bland for my liking.

Nice work.

Steve
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 42
rc1107
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 11:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1272
Posts Per Day
0.28
Nawa.

No problem.  Just give me a heads up when your feature pops up on the portal.  (could you pm me the title just to be sure I don't miss it.)

Hey Chris.

What have you been up to?  Thanks for taking a look at this one for me.  Glad it read well for you.


Quoted from Sham
My biggest issue with this short is that Margaret is so wonderfully made out to be the villain, yet itís our hero Armand who gets the just desserts. Why?


In my head, Armand, although sticking up for what he believes in, is still just as much a villain as Margaret for not caring about the disease beyond Margaret and the few people she'll infect.

Hmm.  As for what happens next?  I guess if I had to continue this one and stretch it out as a feature, I guess I could have Armand invent condoms.

To tell the truth, the story just ended in my head as her blackmailing him.  Either have sex with her or have her accuse him of rape, which definately isn't going to end well for him.  They didn't mess too much with trials back in the 1840's.

Thanks again for taking a look at this one, Chris.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 12 - 42
rc1107
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1272
Posts Per Day
0.28
Hey Austin.

Thanks for taking a read.  Sorry it fell a little flat for you.


Quoted from ABennettWriter
Why would Africans speak English so well?


They weren't 100% African.  They were black French Creole's, which is also why they were still free in the Louisianna Territory at the time.  And why Etienne's words are peppered with French, and their dialect is worded like a French person's speaking English would.  (Although I did do a little more wording on the dialogue so it wouldn't read as weird, which is probably why the English is coming off a little better than usual.)


Hey Steve,


Quoted from stevemiles
The log-line didnít seem to wholly relate to the story/action (the mention of the inheritance and expedition seem unnecessary)


Yeah, I notice I did rely a little bit on the logline to tell a little of what was already going on in the story.  A line in the original logline read 'In 1840's Louisianna', so I suppose I relied on that to without wanting to take the time to explain it in the story.

I guess I just assumed that everybody knew what was going on in Louisianna in that time period so didn't want to waste too much time explaining it in a 5 page short.  (Eventhough it ended up being 6 pages now, though.)

Thank you for the compliments about it being an interesting idea and the twist at the end, though.

It's much appreciated Steve and Austin.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 13 - 42
ABennettWriter
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
San Francisco, CA
Posts
917
Posts Per Day
0.21
Yeah.. I thought it took place in Africa, with the huts and everything. I know what a French creole is, but the French also colonized Africa, so I thought maybe that's what happened.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 42
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006