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End of the Day by James McCormick - Short, Suspense, Supernatural - A frustrated worker tries to leave the office early but finds it more difficult than he could have imagined as the true nature of his environment reveals itself, one that wants to keep him trapped forever. 11 pages - pdf, format
First things first, I was tempted to stop reading after page 3 when I realized I was reading a 'novel' rather than a screenplay. But I read on through anyway just out of sheer curiosity. It makes for an interesting read, though my biggest qualm is really the descriptions. You've really 'directed' this to a T. I've made this similar point on other screenplays where you might want to avoid over-directing your script, as you may tend to lose your intended readers if they think they are reading a short novel rather than a screenplay. Less is more.
So Jack is in hell. Okay. But, where's the twist ? Jack knows something isn't right. We can figure out he is in hell and the Devil confirms to jack, that yes, he is in hell.
There's a lot of confusion for me as I read the script. Is the Overseer a man or a woman?
Who does the pale face belong to?
Who is Carl and where does he come from? Is the tie put on Jack or Carl. if you intro a character, give them a name and don't refer to them as just man, you lose the reader.
Your description on the opening page - are a little over written. You can't see hot air, or show hot air on screen - you can show a heat haze, Jack remove glasses and a sun spot burned onto his desk or some other visual.
I like the style of this short, but I think you need to do more with it. What if Jack is the only one to escape by tricking the devil, something like that.
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End of the Day
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