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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Aleister Crowley vs Heinrich Himmler - OWC
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  Author    Aleister Crowley vs Heinrich Himmler - OWC  (currently 2448 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Aleister Crowley vs Heinrich Himmler by Joe Lewis - Horror - The beast meets the butcher in a battle of wits. (PG ) - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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This isn't set in modern times, so I'm out before 1/2 of page 1.

The parameters were so wide open, why and how you decided not to adhere to them is way beyond me.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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JosephLewis
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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why did you go to page 1 when the title said it all?
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I give every script a chance.  You never know...maybe these 2 came back to life in modern times some how.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jayrex
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Well it depends on modern versus the period that witches/warlocks were more prominent, how you view what modern is.  Although I'd say that WW2 is not so modern.

Aside from that, I didn't really get the witch/warlock vibe.  I thought it was unrealistic of Himler to even say the words thank you to anyone beneath him.  Didn't think it was realistic for them to drink, especially amongst the enemy for like hours.  And then to ask what's this all about hours later.  Germans are straight to the point.  They would have interrogated, tortured to get the information as soon as possible.

This needs a rewrite, could trim this by a few pages or change the approach/enquiry to this random appearance of this place.

All the best,


Javier



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
jayrex  -  October 19th, 2013, 3:43pm
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pale yellow
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I give every script a chance.  You never know...maybe these 2 came back to life in modern times some how.


Maybe one shouldn't leave a REVIEW if they do NOT even read past page one. Just maybe. Like if you rip a script ...and especially if you are the first to read it...and you didn't even read the script...it AFFECTS how every other reader will go into the read Jeff. So if you can't get past page one..just don't leave a review. How can you review something you did not read?


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Ryan1
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Really nothing to do with modern witchcraft, but an interesting "what if" scenario nonetheless.  I would have preferred more of a test of wits as the logline promises  rather than just Crowley knocking them all down with a spell.  Spear of Destiny kind of came out of nowhere and I had no idea what it was.  Maybe some kind of foreshadowing there might have helped.  It also wasn't clear to me where they were.  Germany or some other part of occupied Europe?  How did Crowley get there and the fact that an Englishman can just pull up in a car at the end further muddies the situation.  Anyway, loved the title.
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stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Ww2 is not modern!  Nothing against the author but it shouldn't have been let in. Isn't it the same as submitting a 12 page script?


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pale yellow
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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This had a bit of mystery in it. I guess Crowley was the warlock by knocking the toy soldiers down and causing the men to die??? That was a cool part of the story but it didn't really tie into the rest of the story. I wasn't sure why he was after the Spear. If the story was about getting the Spear of Destiny..seems like we could've met Crowley earlier and had that his goal...and given him some obstacles to go through to obtain it...then the soldier/toy thing would've been better IMO.

Decent job. Needs some work but it's a cool idea. This didn't feel horror to me.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from pale yellow
Maybe one shouldn't leave a REVIEW if they do NOT even read past page one. Just maybe. Like if you rip a script ...and especially if you are the first to read it...and you didn't even read the script...it AFFECTS how every other reader will go into the read Jeff. So if you can't get past page one..just don't leave a review. How can you review something you did not read?


Sorry you feel this way, Dena.  It's up to each person to read as much as they want or can - and very few will open up every single script like I do on every OWC.

I wouldn't call it a review, it's simply my thoughts, good/bad/indifferent.  If it's on 1 page or the whole script, hopefully it helps in some way.  No sugar coating, no BS.

Like everything, everyone should take my words with a grain of salt or two.



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bert
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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The sharper-eyed amongst you may have noticed that Joseph Lewis has already chimed in as the author of this script.

Notwithstanding the cool title, he made his own decisions about the parameters of the challenge, and oddly, has also elected to eschew his anonymity.

Please let the debate end there in terms of additional posts.  Read it or don't.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dustin
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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At first I was going to leave this script because of the comment on it not being valid. However a counter-point by another member that said something about it depending upon what we deemed as modern.

OK, for me WW2 is modern enough. I'm going to give this a shot.

OK, so far, well written. At last, a writer I can read without annoying bad turns of grammar every other sentence.

page 3 - "HIMMLER
Thank you, captain Hauptman. Let’s
continue.
"

At the end of the above dialogue, rather than write "Let's continue." I think a visual wave of the hand would be more fitting. I prefer to give visuals over dialogue whenever possible and I believe it makes us better screenwriters when we employ those methods.

"The vehicles pull up a winding road.
"

The above sentence is a little off. Maybe it's an American slang thing. I think if you say they drive up this will be more clear. In the UK 'pull up' means to stop. Unless you mean they are stopping, in which case you are missing a word, which threw me.

page 6 - "CROWLEY
Splended. Now dinner will be
served. Follow me.
"

Typo... splendid.

ouch, page 6 - classic novice error here:

"A young soldier begins to eat.
"

You'll need to reword the above somehow. Keep those 'begins' and 'starts' out of your scripts as much as is possible.


page 7 - "The soldiers become quiet.
"

Comes across as lazy to me. Maybe instead: The soldiers quieten.

Dialogue seems off at times, but that is often rectified on follow-up drafts. It does make you look a little bad, but it's excusable if this is a first or second draft.

I like the original take on the theme... you've done well to pick Crowley, although referring to him as The Beast, I feel, is unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the story aside from your desire to force us to believe he is a very bad man. It comes across as contrived.

The Spear thing, I had to scroll back to make sure that I didn't miss mention of it. If I have then it wasn't impressed upon me enough as Crowley seems to grab it from nowhere.
I like the concept. Crowley as an agent for the British and using witchcraft to meet certain ends. It's original in regards to the parameters set and I have to mark you up on that.

Decent writing, decent concept, dialogue lets you down and so does the ending. The story needs work, and cutting down. If I had to mark out of 10, I'd give a 6.5

With some real work this could be a great concept though.


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Forgive
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Well, it's been accepted into the OWC, so I guess it must meet some of the parameters, as other scripts have been rejected due to not meeting the parameters. The term modern is subjective, and can refer to 'recent' times, which is helpful as recent is also clearly subjective.

For me, the script meandered, and didn't reflect the log-line, as Himmler appeared to be surprisingly witless. Although I found Ralf's predicament quite amusing, I didn't feel the slight comedic touch was in balance with the script. No major concerns with the writing, but I didn't feel that the story was captivating enough. Sorry.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Okay. First things first. I don't give a hoot or toot about an opening title and how it should look on screen. That's not a writer's concern.

Führer is a title connected to Hitler. Therefore it has to have a capitial F. I know, I know, it's trivial stuff...

Obviously this isn't sry in modern times. So much for a requirement of the OWC. Would Crowley be considered a witch/warlock? But something else bugged me. Do you know what it is?

No ages are given for the characters, no time reference. (Note: Himmler died in 1945; Crowley two years later) So Crowley would have been in his 70s, Himmler early 40s.

I am sorry to say I didn't finish reading. The writer instructed me that the scriopt would be continued, twice. So--did this have an ending or not?


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JosephLewis
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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you already want a sequel?  I am flattered!
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