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Well here it is! My "favorite" of the submissionbs so far!! Hard to imagine, but I'm sure that this one was written about five days ago from today. Because that's what it feels like. an April Fools.
I didn't mind a few fourth wall breaks, but y'know when a character complains about "not having enough pages" but the writer puts this in
The taxi pulls up in front of erm, a boat. A big boat. No, a bigger boat. Well, it's a quite big yacty... yawt... yacth... hang on. Yacht. That's it. I think so. It's as big as the budget allows. Yeah, right
And things like that? Bull shit.
Take that all out and you had your script. It may not have been knocking my socks off, but at least you won't insult anyone's IQ. Keep this in mind: you are not Shane Black, and neither am I.
But nice effort. Just for that...
Yes. I'm not serious. It was far and large NOT my "favorite". In fact, I found it to be mpre of a piss-pot.
This one was a tough slog with all the inane asides and banter. I skimmed the last few pages, but was glad to see the jumping shark take peeps out in 1 bite - very funny.
The writer sure has a voice, but it's quite an annoying one, IMO. Just way too many inside jokes or old cliche asides/descriptions. If you could tone down all the superfluous shit, I bet you'd be a good writer.
Congrats on entering.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
This one took a bit to get going. Probably could have shaved off a few pages at the beginning and moved the four straight into the dinner scene. Even there you could scaled back some as well. I actually enjoyed the comedy throughout even though we were told not to go in that direction.
What a shame that he/she is also a jerk for wasting everyone's time.
Look, a little Shane Black is fine. It makes for an interesting read in what might otherwise be a fairly blah story. But where a little goes a long way, a lot just gets tedious.
But this was different, because you transition from "cool" to (quickly) annoying, then on to boring... and finally - insulting.
Because you felt it was fine to waste my time. While my time might not be worth a thousand an hour, it's certainly not worth nothing. I spent time reading this pile all the way through out of courtesy to YOU... but the way you ended it... it's obvious that you had no plan for the piece... just wrote some semi-witty banter... and then broke down and started talking to the reader with the only goal being to - you know, I don't know what your plan was.
It's not laziness. It's not funny. It's disrespectful of the people who tried to write something worth reading, and of the time those same people (and others) spent reading your "document" with the intent of providing comments, critique and assistance.
I'm sure this is falling on deaf ears, but maybe it's not and you'll consider others when you ask them to read your "work".
Kind of funny to think this has better writing and dialogue than most entries so far. Shame the writer didn't write a serious script, or maybe they did... They can obviously write. Anyway...
Loving Lenny's dialogue so far.
"Overworked waiters attempt aloofness despite their puny wages and penguin suits." Surprisingly good line, great job here.
Yeah, the writer has definitely been writing for a while. Knows their way around a script.
"LENNY Yoda could not have put it better." Funny, exact thought came into my head before I read that.
"She look like after I do bam bam big boy." WTF, hahaha.
Okay, hilarious. Solid job. Even though it's a pisser, it's one of my favourites so far. Don't think it was written by a yank, really does narrow the whole facade into a group of competent writers. Wish I wrote it. The asides worked well with the tone I felt. Great work!
This reads like it's about nothing. And for a comedy it's not funny at all. There are some funny comedies on the site even one pisser that I can recommend you to read. Because comedies (or pissers) are hard to pull off and you were not able to do it in my opinion.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Right, well I’m not a ‘Pisstake Aficionado’; however, I have read a few that made me laugh so hard that, I actually had to stop reading them to save further loss of motor skills. This didn’t quite do that for me.
Although this was quite funny at times, I am confused as to why you would go this route, considering your writing is very good. Alas, writing is all about creating characters that instantly resonate with the reader, and Raphael was one of them. I think he would be a great character in a comedy piece, not a pisser. He kind of reminded me of The Zohan… smell it, smell it… now take it!
Still, good work on getting in a script for the OWC, even if it was a little over the top.
"Classy, elegant. Shark free. There’s a fish tank, though. For y’know... atmosphere."
Play with your readers in a different way, not like that.
Okay, I read further...
This is avant-garde writing. A movie can be avant-garde and split opinions, no problem; the writing and delivery shouldn't. Whatever this will be, I don't ignore that you decided to deliver it that way. It's too unconventional. Sorry
Knew it was a pisser from the first line but carried on anyway. Some of the dialogue made me smile and the descriptions had a touch of Terry Pratchett, seems like a fellow UK citizen has wrote this maybe?
But it quickly became annoying and I skimmed the rest. I noticed the cameo appeareance of the shark though.
Thanks for trying to make us laugh, I'm sure some will appreicate it more than me.
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I feel like this was so drawn out. I got lost in the conversation. I didn’t care about any of the characters. I wasn’t sure if this was meant to be funny or what, but I didn’t get any laughs and am out by page 8...was surprised they didn’t get to the boat until then.
Good on you for completing a script in the one week challenge.