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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Jowls - OWC
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  Author    Jowls - OWC  (currently 4656 views)
Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jowls by Anon… Anon… Anon… - Short, Shark - Four people on a boat. In the water. With a shark. A big one. Beeg teeth. Very beeg. - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Well here it is! My "favorite" of the submissionbs so far!! Hard to imagine, but I'm sure that this one was written about five days ago from today. Because that's what it feels like. an April Fools.

I didn't mind a few fourth wall breaks, but y'know when a character complains about "not having enough pages" but the writer puts this in


Quoted Text
The taxi pulls up in front of erm, a boat. A big boat. No, a
bigger boat. Well, it's a quite big yacty... yawt... yacth...
hang on. Yacht. That's it. I think so. It's as big as the
budget allows. Yeah, right


And things like that?
Bull shit.

Take that all out and you had your script. It may not have been knocking my socks off, but at least you won't insult anyone's IQ. Keep this in mind: you are not Shane Black, and neither am I.

But nice effort. Just for that...



Yes. I'm not serious. It was far and large NOT my "favorite". In fact, I found it to be mpre of a piss-pot.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Well...2 pissers in a row.

This one was a tough slog with all the inane asides and banter.  I skimmed the last few pages, but was glad to see the jumping shark take peeps out in 1 bite - very funny.

The writer sure has a voice, but it's quite an annoying one, IMO.  Just way too many inside jokes or old cliche asides/descriptions.  If you could tone down all the superfluous shit, I bet you'd be a good writer.

Congrats on entering.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DV44
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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This one took a bit to get going. Probably could have shaved off a few pages at the beginning and moved the four straight into the dinner scene. Even there you could scaled back some as well. I actually enjoyed the comedy throughout even though we were told not to go in that direction.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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TimWestland
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Ya know, the author obviously has skill.

What a shame that he/she is also a jerk for wasting everyone's time.

Look, a little Shane Black is fine. It makes for an interesting read in what might otherwise be a fairly blah story. But where a little goes a long way, a lot just gets tedious.

But this was different, because you transition from "cool" to (quickly) annoying, then on to boring... and finally - insulting.

Why "insulting"?

Because you felt it was fine to waste my time. While my time might not be worth a thousand an hour, it's certainly not worth nothing. I spent time reading this pile all the way through out of courtesy to YOU... but the way you ended it... it's obvious that you had no plan for the piece... just wrote some semi-witty banter... and then broke down and started talking to the reader with the only goal being to - you know, I don't know what your plan was.

It's not laziness. It's not funny. It's disrespectful of the people who tried to write something worth reading, and of the time those same people (and others) spent reading your "document" with the intent of providing comments, critique and assistance.

I'm sure this is falling on deaf ears, but maybe it's not and you'll consider others when you ask them to read your "work".
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nawazm11
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Kind of funny to think this has better writing and dialogue than most entries so far. Shame the writer didn't write a serious script, or maybe they did... They can obviously write. Anyway...

Loving Lenny's dialogue so far.

"Overworked waiters attempt aloofness despite their puny wages
and penguin suits." Surprisingly good line, great job here.

Yeah, the writer has definitely been writing for a while. Knows their way around a script.

"LENNY
Yoda could not have put it better." Funny, exact thought came into my head before I read that.

"She look like after I do bam bam
big boy." WTF, hahaha.

Okay, hilarious. Solid job. Even though it's a pisser, it's one of my favourites so far. Don't think it was written by a yank, really does narrow the whole facade into a group of competent writers. Wish I wrote it. The asides worked well with the tone I felt. Great work!
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khamanna
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 3:40am Report to Moderator
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This reads like it's about nothing. And for a comedy it's not funny at all. There are some funny comedies on the site even one pisser that I can recommend you to read. Because comedies (or pissers) are hard to pull off and you were not able to do it in my opinion.
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Dustin
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:50am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Written really well... shame you didn't take the contest seriously though. Can't believe you actually put a strict copyright warning on the script, lol. One final touch of irony?


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Jowls

For some reason like the title and I like the light hearted logline, even if it would bomb in a real competition - it's different

Let's see....

A shark free living room - soooo dull
Lenny - from a shark tales perhaps?
It's another illegal comedy - bad writer, bad

This is very slapstick as I go along and to be honest even I would have hit Lenny by page 8 but i enjoyed some of the lines

Finished, stopped taking notes.

I'm not sure I have read such a spoof as that, even had a fourth wall break, or what ever they call it. He looks to the camera, shrugs , see I'm at it as well )

A lot of fun, lots of pun and one liners, close to bugger all story, but who cares.

If I was going to be picky, which means I am, I think the busy restaurant scene overstepped the four characters part, but let's me honest it was a little late by that stage

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
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Gum
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Right, well I’m not a ‘Pisstake Aficionado’; however, I have read a few that made me laugh so hard that, I actually had to stop reading them to save further loss of motor skills. This didn’t quite do that for me.

Although this was quite funny at times, I am confused as to why you would go this route, considering your writing is very good.  Alas, writing is all about creating characters that instantly resonate with the reader, and Raphael was one of them. I think he would be a great character in a comedy piece, not a pisser. He kind of reminded me of The Zohan… smell it, smell it… now take it!

Still, good work on getting in a script for the OWC, even if it was a little over the top.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

"Classy, elegant. Shark free. There’s a fish tank, though. For
y’know... atmosphere."

Play with your readers in a different way, not like that.

Okay, I read further...

This is avant-garde writing. A movie can be avant-garde and split opinions, no problem; the writing and delivery shouldn't. Whatever this will be, I don't ignore that you decided to deliver it that way. It's too unconventional. Sorry



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Knew it was a pisser from the first line but carried on anyway. Some of the dialogue made me smile and the descriptions had a touch of Terry Pratchett, seems like a fellow UK citizen has wrote this maybe?

But it quickly became annoying and I skimmed the rest. I noticed the cameo appeareance of the shark though.

Thanks for trying to make us laugh, I'm sure some will appreicate it more than me.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Grey
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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I feel like this was so drawn out. I got lost in the conversation. I didn’t care about any of the characters. I wasn’t sure if this was meant to be funny or what, but I didn’t get any laughs and am out by page 8...was surprised they didn’t get to the boat until then.

Good on  you for completing a script in the one week challenge.


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EWall433
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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After reading this script I have only questions...

Why did someone write an entire script consisting of mainly light banter at a dinner date?

Why did I read said script all the way to the end?

But most importantly...

Why wasn't this a story about a pathetic elderly shark that could only gum people to death?

erm...

Congrats on entering the OWC?  
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Forgive
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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About half a page and then out - good p$ssers are fine - and I don't really think you should be able to tell a p$sser early on - getting them after a few pages is the best way.
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