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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Current Events - OWC
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Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Current Events by Hoagie Newcombe - Short, Shark -  An ambitious journalist discovers that the story she’s been chasing is liable to chase her back. - pdf, format


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NickSedario
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Top-freaking-notch.  Clever dialogue, excellent formatting.  

This script just raised the bar.

Sorry for the ultra-short review but I'm lazy right now.

Plus, I think I summed it up pretty good.


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rendevous
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Away

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Some good lines in this.

I was expecting to hear of Cortana there for a while.

It's pretty good. Very well written. Unusual in story.

Also unusual in that I felt some parts were underwritten. Or that might be me. I've got the feeling I missed something so I might come back and read this again later. Which I'll look forward to.

It moves fast. Those with attention spans of toddlers will have a great time.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Well what the fuck happened!?!

This amused me. A clean write too. And did you just name the doctor after my favorite movie? Now we got a stew going!

The revealing of Dr. Anderson was pretty good. It had me chuckling with WTF at the same time. The mid-catch dialogue with Bieber and the hooker was hilarious. But really...what the hell happened? I want more.

Good work,

Johnny
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stevie
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Mixed for me on this one.

Very well written, meticulous, detailed on the tech. But there was maybe too much dialogue early on - I found myself skimming for a moment there, never a good sign.

But it ended up a pretty good beastie type story. Reminded me of one of Peter Benchley's other novels called White Shark which was about a Nazi experimental soldier who was half shark.

Give it a 7.5


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nawazm11
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 12:27am Report to Moderator
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Not sure if I like the way you started the script. What with one person being in a toilet and the other in an office just talking for 3 pages.

Oh, man, and it's still going?

"ONSCREEN - windows open and close rapidly." I hate it when writers do this since it looks so comical on screen. Typing shit into your computer doesn't make windows pop up, and I doubt you'd be using more than 3 programs if you're trying to hack something. Best to just leave it out.

They always wear high heals just to fall down, don't they?

Sees like the writer isn't a fan of the windows phone... And then Snapchat, hilarious.

"VERNE
W... Well, what the FUCK IS THE
POINT OF THAT?!"

Yeah, okay. Solid job here, writer. The tone was off and I could definitely see a bit of a rushed feel in the writing but nice effort. Something new with a little bit of hilarity attached. One of the better entries so far. Good job!
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, the writer’s style seems familiar.

An awful lot of talking early on and not a lot of visuals, but it’s well written so far, so that’s a positive, but 3 full pages of a phone conversation?  Too much…way too much.

Page 4 – P.O.S. - ?  Do peeps really say this?  If so, OK, but I sure haven’t ever heard anyone say this.

Page 7 – interesting – the Doc is shark man.  Well written still, but a few instances of awkwardness every now and then.  Can’t say I’m a fan of Sunny falling down as she’s trying to escape – it’s just so cliché and so far your script is everything but cliché.

Page 8 – BROOM CLOSET - ?  Really?  Not a fan of this cliché either.  Also, the Windows commentary is a little jarring and unnecessary.

About time someone used the word “maw”.  Nice.

Page 9 – Justin Bieber?  Really?  IMO, this is another mistake, as you seem to be playing around now.

Hmmm, and then you end on a complete joke?  Not sure why, as it almost seems like you’re taking the piss here and throughout the script, actually.

Well, you can write for sure and that’s great to see.  You’re also creative and have put together what could have been a cool, scary, unique script, but the there are numerous times when you completely change the tone and insert some kind of humor – which some may find funny – I did not though.

There’s a lot to like here, but for me, there’s a lot to dislike as well, but that’s all a matter of opinion.

Overall, it’s good and it’s also effective.  I just wish you took this a little more serious and lost all the crap that doesn’t need to be here.  Of the 10 I’ve read, you jump into the lead, so that’s saying something.

Congrats on entering.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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marnieml
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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Top notch writing here. I breezed right through this. Most of the story was also good. Most of it...like the idea of it. The whole Windows phone thing...I hated that part. And the phone call in the beginning was way too long.

Leave in some whit like the "Dr. Strangelove" line and maybe...the JB stuff although I'm on the fence about that, take out the Scooby Doo stuff like her falling in the hall and getting mad at her phone, and I think you have a really strong story here.

I've read 17 and this is def in my top 3.

Nice work!!


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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Grey
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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The title really fits with this story!

I love it that while she was trying to get the story, she became the story, but then Justin Bieber wins out in the end. I got a laugh several times through this script!

This one is very well written. It's fast to read. There isn't much to say about it in terms of improvement. It is what it is.

Very good work for a week! One of my favorites.


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wonkavite
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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One of my favorites thus far.  Mainly because of the dialogue – some of which (intentionally) made me laugh out loud.  Things like: Whatever the F* our news is now, Dr. Strangelove, and the whole Windows Phone riff (honestly, I have a strong suspicion that whoever wrote this has a techie ax to grind with Windows OS…)

You ALMOST lost me with the reveal.  It was too big.  Too splashy (sorry, unintentional pun there.)  But it’s actually growing on me as a concept, despite the over-the-top nature.  Most importantly, you pulled off a solid script that kept me entertained, and wrapped it up quite nicely.  Obviously, a competent writer wrote this one…  though good luck getting the funds to film this!!

Oh - and nice pun on the title.
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Leegion
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Great, great, great WORK, writer!  

Excellent dialogue.  Brilliant scenery.  Beautiful descriptions.  And a nice attack on the Windows Phone to boot, lol.

I am exceptionally impressed with this.  And I LOVED the reveal of Dr. Strangelove and what HE was.  A hybrid is a good one and a great one this OWC entry is.

My favorite thus far.  Though I've only read 9.  But this just... wow.  You're very good at your craft and though I'm not sure who wrote it, I have an inkling that the writer behind this impressive piece is a well-respected member of this board.

Epic congratulations for completing this OWC challenge.  Fantastic stuff.

Short: 9.5/10 (what can be said other than this is an impressive piece for 11 pages?)
Shark: 10/10 (outstanding spin on the shark, fantastic twist and excellent delivery)
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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Hello hoagie

Farragut - weird name, any reason?

Decent story. A journalist, mad professor with scary teeth, and a dodgy phone. What could go wrong.

The stilettos weren't really explained were they, meaning they didn't form a core part of the story.

Nicely contained although requiring some effects.

We don't get much about the characters and it could be described as a little cliched with the newspaper room etc but I liked it and it had a nice ironic ending with the decent news being put to one side.

Good.


My scripts  HERE

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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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Reef Dreamer  -  April 9th, 2014, 3:38am
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Dustin
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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I liked it up until around page 8 or so when it got boring. Where is the shark attack? I skipped to the end so may have missed it.

I liked the nods towards evolution theory and the early dialogue. However you lost me at page 8. There is no rogue shark.

The hardest part of this challenge for me was that I had to write about a rogue shark. Rogue sharks attack people. That was the point. There isn't one in this story. It simply has a shark in it. That's not the same thing. If I'd have known that I could write a completely different story and simply have someone leafing through a magazine and happen upon a picture of a shark, then this contest would have gone a lot easier. I see no relation to Jaws here whatsoever. It's more like Free Willy.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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I do like this.

So there’s a lot of dialogue at the beginning. Seriously I don’t understand anyone’s beef with dialogue as long as it’s good; dialogue is a massive part of modern TV and films. True Detective has amazing dialogue and tonnes of it, even the stuff I don’t understand lol.  Action is substance over style without good dialogue and interesting characters delivering that dialogue. Some people just switch off after two sentences!

Anyway, rant over.  

This is good. Some great commentary here on the state of modern journalism and mobile technology. I get the anti -windows rant but if you ever want to make it in this business you need to be aware of how things are.

Any TV show/movie out there at the moment featuring a computer/tablet/phone ALWAYS focuses on the Windows 8 tile screen for a few seconds before showing whatever it is they want to show you. You may not have noticed it but it is there, it’s everywhere. This shows you the power and influence of Microsoft in Hollywood so just a heads up. Be subtle and you can still stick it ‘to the man’ and get away with it.

For example the Snapchat comment, comedy gold! Loved it.

Speaking of comedy, the moment the ManShark was revealed I did smile and lol inside for real. I’m not sure if it was deliberate or if it was supposed to be scary but I did find it funny.

It made me think of all the SyFy shark movies and I’m sure they would lap this up but do you know what? This script is better than most SyFy movies so maybe consider pitching this to them!

Easy to follow, well written, sound FX that were actually part of the story, lovely dialogue – this is great. I don’t think it technically met the challenge as this in no way resembles anything you would see in Jaws but still it’s very imaginative and solidly presented.

Gratz on this OWC entry.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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KevinLenihan
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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what I liked:

Well written. Some very clever dialogue.

you can�t stop moving. You
stop, you die. You have to be a
shark, Sunny...


...maybe remove the part about the pun.

Story is set up with a strong goal, and conflict...good.

Interesting concept. I could see having a character that becomes convinced man's fate is to return to the sea, and used genetic engineering to adapt himself to it, or to create others.

Good opening that brings us into the story and still sets up her character.

what needs work:

Seems expensive, but maybe not if you have access to the right building.

Gills are the best way for a sea creature to attain o2, not a blowhole.

No shark in this story. Sharkman! lol, that's ok,

Ok, so our jaws here is an office shark...a man who chases and kills the reporter within the hallways. Only problem is that this creature/man has been re-engineered to thrive in the sea. So how is it a danger once it leaves the water? It shouldn't be, not if you run away.

But those criticisms aside, one of the better entries. Maybe even the best I've read so far, but not sure it qualifies as a shark story. Will ponder before voting time.

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KevinLenihan  -  April 9th, 2014, 5:02pm
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