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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Em Evol - Looking for Funding Moderators: bert
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  Author    Em Evol - Looking for Funding  (currently 2442 views)
Don
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Em Evol by Neal Adams (Najapa) - Drama, Thriller - The lines between fantasy and reality are blurred for a man after meeting a mystery woman. Leaving him to decide if he's losing his mind, or if there's more to her than it seems. 122 pages - pdf format

production: The script was under option a few years back, but now is not.

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 12th, 2019, 12:42pm
revised draft
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Got in several pages and this does not read like a comedy (to me).
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CalebHart
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Seems I've read this same log line before.  But a condensed version.  Is the writer even around?  The writing is pretty good, but you seem to flip-flop between present and past tense.

Right off the bat you say, "Strobe lights are flashing".  Shoud be "Strobe lights flash".
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NaJaPa
Posted: June 19th, 2014, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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@ Caleb thanks for the tip I'll review it today, I never thought about that. I've evolved as a writer but I'm not beyond constructive criticism. The only real writing is rewriting right.
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NaJaPa
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@ Caleb I actually had a shorter logline that got an actor interested in the screenplay but other writers felt it was too vague. On my query letter my logline is simply "what if the girl you were getting to know already knew everything about you?" It's worked for me so far, I've gotten several requests and good reviews on the screenplay this is my most recent rewrite. I'm hoping to hear from the actor's rep soon as well as a known director that has shown interest wish me luck and I'll be checking out your work as well. I wish you much success.
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CalebHart
Posted: June 21st, 2014, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NaJaPa
@ Caleb I actually had a shorter logline that got an actor interested in the screenplay but other writers felt it was too vague. On my query letter my logline is simply "what if the girl you were getting to know already knew everything about you?" It's worked for me so far, I've gotten several requests and good reviews on the screenplay this is my most recent rewrite. I'm hoping to hear from the actor's rep soon as well as a known director that has shown interest wish me luck and I'll be checking out your work as well. I wish you much success.


I hope it works out for you.

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Chase
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If nothing goes right, go left.

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The title doesn't seem to fit the genre. It gives off more of a horror/drama feeling.

Anyway, I read the whole spec and it was decently enjoyable.  Some moments made me laugh like the early dialogue bits between Dame and Chris.

One thing to fix is the parentheticals as they should have their own line in dialogue blocks. (I am by no means a professional, just stating what I know)


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