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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Angels - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Angels by Squeedie Armadillo - Short, Drama - A life changing experience leaves a City worker questioning whether Miracles exist, and whether they are a good thing, or not. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Hi Squeedie - where do folk get their names?

Logline - quite liked that. Let's see

First paragraph could be tighter.

I thought her question to joe was a little strange, I think we could have done with knowing he was the owner.

I made a few notes then lost them so sorry not much more detail to add. I rememeber there was a time lapse that should be clearer - moon to sun

This was quite a reflective piece finished with more of a conclusion than a twist.

At time it seemed a little meandering - she entered, went up the lift, had a bath, feel asleep got up etc but then it trotted along after the accident.

She saw the angel the day before the accident, and at the accident, but no time after.i wonder why she saw him before?

I think the topic of what are the implication of an accident, how do we feel, how we react, is a solid area to explore . I think I would have liked a little more contrast or conflict with the character - grace -  who was a tad bland.

But overall, not a bad entry for a weeks work and one that could be given more focus and bite with a little more time.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I think you kind of lost me after the elevator fell. Not as in I didn't understand it, but that I lost interest. I think the stuff with Father James was fine, but I think the final scene with Joe should be gone. Also, I was hoping for a more dreary ending, but I guess these all can't be depressing as hell. Solid effort which went on too long.

B-.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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As I go...

Hmmm, another one with a wierd name on the actual title page.  Could this be the same writer submitting numerous scripts under numeruos pseudonyms?  Very strange...

Writing's a little overdone, but nothing too glaring.  Seems to be a "good writer", but everything is overwritten.

"round" - interesting, as I've seen this incorrectly used in several scripts - should be "around". Maybe there are multiple entries by this writer?  Hmmm...

Page 2 - "She pushes the door to behind her" - Huh?

General Note - I entioned overwriting and it's continuing.  You're also not breaking up your passages correctly, which makes this seem even heavier than it probably is.

Page 3 and I'm out.  I'm sorry, as there's nothing terribly wrong with your writing or even storytelling, but it's so slow, so dull, and nothing has happened of any remote interest other than the angel appearing.  Too densely written for so little happening.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Ryan1
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't see the need for Grace to actually witness the angel the day before the accident.  You only get one chance for the big reveal in a tale like this.  IMO, the reveal of the angel would been more shocking if he was one of the people who walked into the elevator, then turned around and shook his head at Grace.  She steps back in terror, then snap, bang, down goes the vator.

After the accident, things get very slow and ponderous.  Just a lot of talking with priests and psychiatrists with no real answers given.  I think one of the reasons that these urban legends hold a fascination for us is the creepy and/or ironic endings that they have.  The fateful twist here was the angel in the elevator.  After that, the character of Grace alone just didn't have enough substance to carry seven more pages of story.
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wonkavite
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Huh.  I think this has the potential to be a really nice piece, but it's not there yet.  We've clearly got a writer with talent here: some very nice lines like "balconies surrendered to rust".  And I like that the urban legend was basically just used as a jumping off point for a deeper theme.  Interesting choice.  It's overwritten as is, but that's very easily remedied.

More important, I felt there wasn't quite enough focus in the second half.  Parts of it rambled too loosely (like the conversation with Joe about the elevator malfunctioning: that could be tightened up considerably.)  I could pick on other things - like the Father's false dichotomy assertion that there are only two ways to look at the world.  But that's the character's point of view, and really beside the point.  

What matters is that you tightened and polish this one up - making it more focused into a piece of reality/vs/insanity and choosing to deal (spiritually or not) with life's uncertainties.  Then you could really have a gem on your hands.
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LC
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Ends up being a bit of a philosophical/existential meditation on the meaning of life - survivor guilt, consequences of actions, or inaction/negligence in the case of the apartment manager.

It all went into a bit too much ruminating and repetition - her face in the mirrors is a great image and I liked the way you wrote it the first time but it loses its potency with the restating. The dialogue with the psychiatrist and the priest was also laid on too thick. A lot of this can be fixed with more time but overall I just felt your set up was good but the denouement was a let down.

The source material is what you had to work with but it's a little light on I suppose. Did you make the most of it by putting your own spin on it? I think you could have done more.

I did like the beginning - it was intriguing and there was some suspense happening but I wanted more of that and a bang ending - perhaps something shocking or even ironic.


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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 4:59am Report to Moderator
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Hard to take this one in, not a fan, I think her situation needs to be emphasized a little better and it needs to be a defining moment. Right now, it's just talk and talk and you guessed it, more talk. There's no resolve, and I hate to say it, but it tries to be deep when there just isn't enough drama.

Stories like these, where a character is dealing with an inner trauma, need to be dealt visually. There needs to be a mutual understanding between the character and the audience. If all she does is tell other people about her situation, it just passes right by us. Needs some work unfortunately.
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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Some good points have already been made, so I'll focus on something that struck me.

The notion that the man in white was an angel does not come from Grace. It comes from the psychiatrist, who then disabuses her of the idea. (He also seems awfully sure of himself and pretty quick with his diagnosis.)

Anyway, why an angel (aside from the Urban Legend)? Why not Lucifer? Or the Elevator Demon?

Might be an angle to consider if you decide to rewrite.

One other thing:

I've noticed a tendency among some commenters to get impatient if "nothing's happening." In my view, everything doesn't have to be instant action. A script isn't a video game. There should be room for subtlety, rumination, development.



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Dustin
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Written well, but I was bored half way through.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 8:52am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Stumpzian
I've noticed a tendency among some commenters to get impatient if "nothing's happening." In my view, everything doesn't have to be instant action. A script isn't a video game. There should be room for subtlety, rumination, development.


I actually enjoy a slow burn...probably more than most, but that doesn't mean literally nothing can happen for pages and I'll be engaged.  Also, alot of this has to do with the writing - good writing, I'll stay on the ride.  Poor, and/or dense dull writing - stop the ride...I want off.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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hawkeye
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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The writing in and of itself here is actually quite good. Almost too good.  The action lines read like a novel with a lot of flowery description, which is fine to a point. Don't want to take it too far, and you were playing right along that line for the most part.

I agree with someone who said  not to have the last part with Joe in there. If he's being sued, he's not going to talk with anyone about what happened because it can be used against him in a trial.  And with him deliberately avoiding certain building materials/repairs to the elevator, he could be criminally liable as well. So I'd take it out.

Not sure the discussion between the Priest and Grace (interesting name choice there) is working for me. The Priest seems almost disinterested in trying to defend the faith. I think that may be my biggest issue here is that the stakes aren't big enough -- there needs to be a little harder edge to it.  Take a side and play it hard instead of playing it down the middle. The middle is safe.  One side or the other is more difficult to pull off, but ultimately more rewarding.

Still, excellent writing style on display here.

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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On the negative side - many parts were over written - I felt as if I was reading a novel in several parts of the script - a good novel - but still a novel.

I for one absolutely loved the philosophical elements of this script and would give it a thumbs up on that alone.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, didn't work for me.  I see her problem with the angel, but the story didn't move along to a reasonable conclusion.  

Best
richard
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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For me there was a lot of prose type action, could be stripped down further and shave a couple of pages off.

The was one of te few OWCs to swerve comedy and have some depth, so admirable from that respect.

Ultimately for me this was a little too slow, but I think with some editing and polishing it could work,

Good effort

Anthony




Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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