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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Joking Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 13th, 2015, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Joking by Bryan Hernandez - Short - A maniac conducts an interrogation.  4 pages - pdf, format


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Iancou
Posted: May 13th, 2015, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Bryan,

Read your short. Technically, it is good in terms of formatting. However, there is no story in terms of conflict and conflict resolution. It is simply the joker tormenting and killing a guy for no apparent reason. Even in Tarantino movies where violence is so prevalent, there is a conflict and resolution. Suggest reading "Screenplay" by Syd Fields or other comparable books to get the storyline and character development down. After that, read the produced scripts on the "movies scripts" portion of this site. SS has excellent scripts that provide examples of what right looks like.

Best of luck.


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DanC
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi Bryan
    I'm reading your script and will make notes as i see them.  If you have a consistent problem (like tense) I won't list each one (don't want to pile on).

Here goes and good luck.

This is just a pet peeve of mine.  I know it's DC inspired, but, you have to be careful b/c if this were to get published, you'd get sued if you didn't have permission.  Anytime you use something that belongs to another person, you MUST get the rights to do so.  I have an awesome Legend of Korra movie idea, but, I won't write it until I get permission from the owners to do so.

1.  This sentence is bad:
A MAN sits on a chair, his body trembling... all light on him shivering.

first off, shouldn't it be all lights?  The all suggests more then one.  also, the shivering suggests the lights are shivering as you have it written.  I'd fix that up.  Just write:  A MAN sits on a chair, his body trembles as he waits.  Suddenly, several flood lights explode into life on his shivering mass.  Or something like that.

2.  Yeah, there isn't a story here.  It's the Joker killing a man.  No big deal.  We don't know who this guy is or why he's there.  Nothing.  This isn't a story, it's an excerpt.  It doesn't show anything that we don't already know about the Joker.

good luck with it
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Max
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Ceiling lights illuminate the centre of the room to reveal a MAN tied up to a chair.

He shivers as a pair of hands place a dirty blindfold over his eyes and stick a piece of adhesive tape over his mouth.

Footsteps edge towards him, each one more impactful than the last.


Could be written like this, I personally think that would be better but to each his own, I cringe over details as much as the next person... I'm always picky when I write.

Btw, why would footsteps be coming toward the dude? Joker is right there putting a blindfold on him.



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Max  -  May 14th, 2015, 11:15am
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Don
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
I know it's DC inspired, but, you have to be careful b/c if this were to get published, you'd get sued if you didn't have permission.  Anytime you use something that belongs to another person, you MUST get the rights to do so.  I have an awesome Legend of Korra movie idea, but, I won't write it until I get permission from the owners to do so.


This is patently false.  The script is published here on SimplyScripts and I 100% guarantee the writer will not be sued.  It is published as  a spec script or fan fiction.  General convention is to indicate that the characters are based on another medium and that the copyright belongs to them.  Tho this is not necessary.  The only time you are going to run into an issue is when you sell or produce the script.  Even then, if it is produced as fan fiction and not for profit, you are still good.  There is a shit-ton of fan movies based upon any number of franchises from Star Trek to Star Wars to the DC Universe.

Here is an example of several Batman fan films: http://moviepilot.com/posts/2015/03/11/the-10-best-batman-fan-films-you-need-to-see-2769183

If writing a spec script or fan fiction were in any way illegal, the movie industry would grind to a halt.  

- Don



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Max
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Nice to see the admin come in and drop some facts lol.



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DanC
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don


This is patently false.  The script is published here on SimplyScripts and I 100% guarantee the writer will not be sued.  It is published as  a spec script or fan fiction.  General convention is to indicate that the characters are based on another medium and that the copyright belongs to them.  Tho this is not necessary.  The only time you are going to run into an issue is when you sell or produce the script.  Even then, if it is produced as fan fiction and not for profit, you are still good.  There is a shit-ton of fan movies based upon any number of franchises from Star Trek to Star Wars to the DC Universe.

Here is an example of several Batman fan films: http://moviepilot.com/posts/2015/03/11/the-10-best-batman-fan-films-you-need-to-see-2769183



If writing a spec script or fan fiction were in any way illegal, the movie industry would grind to a halt.  

- Don





Hey Don,
      That's not entirely true.  I have seen people get sued.  I have seen accounts on youtube get shut down for using copy written stories without permission.  

I did say that you could post it on here, but, if it was to get made or something else like that, it could run into problems.  People have gotten sued.  True story, there was a band called Green Jello, for YEARS they used that name.  Then, they had a hit song called three little pigs (for any of you that don't know that, google it, it is the craziest song you will ever here) and THEY GOT SUED by the Jello company.  and that was after having the name for years.

WWF got sued, the wrestling company over the use of WWF.  You know why?  Because the World Wildlife Foundation had the copyright to WWF before they did.

In the movie I did for college, where no one made any money, I still needed to get permission to use the music in my movie.  And one group STILL WANTED PAYMENT.  

Anytime you use someone else's material, you CAN face issues.  You PROBABLY won't, but, you COULD.  

All it would take is a phone call to DC to ask if he can use the joker in a not-for-profit student movie.  

Again, I've seen people get sued for using stuff that they didn't own the rights to.  Especially on youtube.

There are very specific public licenses that can be used, but, they are very specific.  I am sure he's okay here, but, anywhere else, especially on a site like youtube can cause issues.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Max
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC




Hey Don,
      That's not entirely true.  I have seen people get sued.  I have seen accounts on youtube get shut down for using copy written stories without permission.  

I did say that you could post it on here, but, if it was to get made or something else like that, it could run into problems.  People have gotten sued.  True story, there was a band called Green Jello, for YEARS they used that name.  Then, they had a hit song called three little pigs (for any of you that don't know that, google it, it is the craziest song you will ever here) and THEY GOT SUED by the Jello company.  and that was after having the name for years.

WWF got sued, the wrestling company over the use of WWF.  You know why?  Because the World Wildlife Foundation had the copyright to WWF before they did.

In the movie I did for college, where no one made any money, I still needed to get permission to use the music in my movie.  And one group STILL WANTED PAYMENT.  

Anytime you use someone else's material, you CAN face issues.  You PROBABLY won't, but, you COULD.  

All it would take is a phone call to DC to ask if he can use the joker in a not-for-profit student movie.  

Again, I've seen people get sued for using stuff that they didn't own the rights to.  Especially on youtube.

There are very specific public licenses that can be used, but, they are very specific.  I am sure he's okay here, but, anywhere else, especially on a site like youtube can cause issues.


I think you are ill-informed on the above issues, it's not that big of a deal.



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Don
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC




Hey Don,
      That's not entirely true.  I have seen people get sued.  I have seen accounts on youtube get shut down for using copy written stories without permission.  

I did say that you could post it on here, but, if it was to get made or something else like that, it could run into problems.  People have gotten sued.  True story, there was a band called Green Jello, for YEARS they used that name.  Then, they had a hit song called three little pigs (for any of you that don't know that, google it, it is the craziest song you will ever here) and THEY GOT SUED by the Jello company.  and that was after having the name for years.

WWF got sued, the wrestling company over the use of WWF.  You know why?  Because the World Wildlife Foundation had the copyright to WWF before they did.

In the movie I did for college, where no one made any money, I still needed to get permission to use the music in my movie.  And one group STILL WANTED PAYMENT.  

Anytime you use someone else's material, you CAN face issues.  You PROBABLY won't, but, you COULD.  

All it would take is a phone call to DC to ask if he can use the joker in a not-for-profit student movie.  

Again, I've seen people get sued for using stuff that they didn't own the rights to.  Especially on youtube.

There are very specific public licenses that can be used, but, they are very specific.  I am sure he's okay here, but, anywhere else, especially on a site like youtube can cause issues.


Dan,

You've entirely missed the point.  The examples you've cited have nothing to do with what information I provided with regard to the use of a character.  

Please keep comments in this thread related to the story at hand.

Thanks,

Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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Simon
Posted: May 18th, 2015, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Even though not too much happened, I thought it was pretty well written. (Though I don't have any real education on the subject). I laughed when I read 'oops, I forgot'. I thought the idea of a silly, forgetful psychopath was really good, but I was disappointed the script didn't turn out to be a comedy, lol. Obviously the genre would be clear, if it was performed. I don't really know what else to say, I'm kind of just trying to contribute to the forum.


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ChristinaD
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Bryan!

I read your short. Please add numbers to your pages (see writer's resources). Also try to align the characters vertically because they seem to be dancing in different positions. As to the story, I agree with what has already been said. Maybe, you should come up with a conflict and not just let the bad guy kill the other one for no apparent reason.
Keep working!
Christina
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Zack
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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Not much to do with this one. The format was okay, but the scene had no impact. It's like the first 3 panels of a comic book.

Dialog was a little on the nose, but nothing too bad.

Some descriptions were worded a little oddly, but that's much more of a personal preference I suppose.

I don't know, this just didn't do it for me. Very blah. Sorry to sound so negative. Good luck and keep writing.

~Zack~


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TonyDionisio
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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As per above ssuggestions. This is incomplete and has no resolve. Pretty lame that over dark,  with zero description about the sound of the voice, one is able to confidently guess this is the Joker.

Since he is obviously looking for early intel about Batman, why kill his witness so soon?

An easy fix is to lastly reveal  a line of other bound men waiting to be interrogated, then fade out there.

                      JOKER
        Next!
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