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Never seen the name "barbra" before. Where is it derived from?
"If he doesn’t let me know." - You are missing a comma here.
"A man in a suit walks down rows of small cubicle’s He walks as if he cannot be seen." - How do you do this? I want to learn. Could be usefull.
"DEVIL Remember when you said get the hell out? well on contrary hell is very much in." - errors.
"DEVIL I’m here to help you. I know your deepest and darkest secrets Daniel. I know what you desire. I’m here to give that to you." - missing comma.
"DANIEL I still don’t even know who the fuck you are!" - no one speaks like this.
"DANIEL Listen man I don’t know who you..." - said that already.
Lose the "CONTINUED'S" in page breaks.
Interesting montage of the devil showing him his potential son.
"Back in present time. Daniel is in tears as he saw what his life could be." - Write only what can be filmed, not assumed. Take small liberties only.
"LUCIFER But why? I actually like it here. Daniel is good company. Daniel was just saying how cool I am and how he wanted to live the life he was intended too, instead of living the life layed out for him. Then giving you these task to see if you’re worthy to enter the beautiful kingdom of HEAVEN!." Needs proof reading.
"Lucfier Stands up and walks towards Michael. He gets extremly close to his face as his he going to hug him." reads awkward.
"LUCIFER Daniel to be continued. That offer will be on the table when ever you want to feel.... free." - Needs a pause after Daniel.
"DANIEL I think we should look into adpoting." - Your best line of the script.
You need some rewrites and a lot of proof reading. Otherwise, short and different. Has a message but not strong enough.
Christopher, you need to fix your logline 'it's its test'. Perhaps you mean 'it's a test'? Even that would read a bit awkwardly. And it should be 'An office worker...' least in Oz and UK it should be.
The devil is in the details or so the saying goes.
Allow me to be blunt. This is not well written. There are multiple errors. I'm guessing English is not your first language. I would suggest you find someone to,point out your errors and help with meaning and syntax. Every little mistake takes the reader out of the story and signals that you are not a professional.
As far as the story goes, it's not too bad. Satan makes Daniel an offer, and Michael steps in to save the day. As far as structure goes, one might prefer that find his own way out of this predicament having Michael show up seems too good to be true. That satan doesn't put up a fight robs the story of some much needed action.
Find a good mentor and work a bit on structure and keep writing.
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