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It's only a OWC, and I really shouldn't nitpick on the title page, but the title is a wee bit high and it just looks wierd due to the lack of an alias "the word "by" remains)
so lets move along.
While Hide and Seek isn't a board or card game, it's still a game I 'spose. I was wondering early on why you wanted to descibe the "lake life" shall we say, but by the end of the script I get it. It does serve as a nice contrast, something light and innocoent now is dark and sinister. I found that the old writing device, where we follow one character from one room to another,gets a bit overused and actually becomes a distraction, especially in some cases such as::
Quoted Text
Her voice builds in intensity, gets more shrill. In the KITCHEN Mom's even more of a mess than before.
That's one of the reasons this sort of writer's trick is done sparingly. Overdo it, and it runs the risk of being incorrect. We aren't following anyone into the kitchen. If you dropped "in the" It would be fine as a subheader.
Mom should have an actual name I think, but there was a part of me which didn't quite jive with Mom going after the boys, supposedly after catching dear dad's cheating and (as implied) murder. Mom has snapped, alright. But I found it going into a sad trope of children in jeopardy.
Yet that aside, I found this to be one of the stronger entries. Nice work overall.
You can absolutely do a story involving them playing some sort of game. Just make sure that they're playing a game that really exists (and you don't have to get hung up on the family part. That was just a lead-in to the contest, not a requirement of it).
It doesn't have to involve a board game as such, or involve a family.
The opening passages set the scene effectively. The tension is ramped up as we go from summer fun at the lake house to psycho Mom on the loose. The unhinged dialogue from the mother is well done, as are the scenes of big brother schooling his younger brother. At times Jeremy talked a little too mature for a 12 year old though. Felt like the writer just ran out of room at the end there. Shame, cuz I was hoping for a better resolution. I think the opening pages could be trimmed to make room for a great final scene. Strong effort.
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You had such a good build up, tension mounting, and foreshadowing. Good job on that. The writing was good too, but I think you lost it in the end. I get it, sort of coming full circle with the blindfold and all, but I think it needs more of a complete ending for it to be effective. But...
Very good work. Very visual, always with a sense of something coming around the corner.
I liked the boys in this one. Didn't care so much about the mom. Her psychoness was a bit over the top for me. Didn't sound like a real unhinged person to me, but what do I know. I'm no psychiatrist.
Not sure what lino is. Linoleum? That seems weird since you described the house as impressive. Linoleum is sort of low end, IMHO. Also, the dad was a traveling salesman. I guess he was amazingly good one to afford the impressive house. Those are nit-piks though.
All in all, I liked it, but the mother needs a change to be believable.
Clearly a lot of time was spent on this one. The writing is strong and the story itself is decent enough, although perhaps a bit forced at the end in regards to the mom.
I felt it lagging around the middle, and I'd put that down to needless description in places as well as scenes that don't move the story forward. I think it would be pretty easy to slash two pages from this script without losing anything vital.
this was a decent effort, but like most could do with some work.
The connection between the hide and seek and the final part, whilst connected to a degree, did feel like two separate elements.
The interaction with the boys was good. The Mom less so, for me. She did convey a sinister aspect and i was concerned for the boys, so well done on that, its just that the sad drunk and the psycho killer just seem to be a tad apart.
colin in the tyre seem unresolved, in fact i think this story needed to be concluded.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Great story and, a fantastic use of imagery to weave a tale worthy of prime time IMO! There are so many elements of classic storytelling on display here that I’d need a full thread just to tap the surface, lol. I’ll keep it short …
That is, the use of imagery that stood out best for me, whether you intended it to be there or not.
To begin with, the shoe-box full of bones (pictures) that Mom can’t seem to close the closet door on, is a great parable to state the walls in this house are about to explode with disgust. This home, looking from the outside in is a beautiful world but, is actually a dangerous place to tread without having to pull broken glass out of your feet… the smallest shards have apparently worked their way into Mom’s head.
Jeremy, the personification of his Father and, as the future care provider of his little brother, his protector in their dysfunctional realm, realizes his future self all too quickly by stumbling into his father’s tomb. He crawls out reborn with the truth of a very dark secret and, outside of all the wisdom he believes he has parted to Colin in order to protect him from some unseen force, has realized that the “shit just got real.”
You left the ending open for alternative interpretations; that’s clever too. It lets people work out a scenario in their head that better suits their frame of mind. Wicked and creative, I dig this big time.
Too long and too straightforward for me. We get the idea that Jeremy is good at this. We don’t need six different scenes. The only one that counts is the one in the closet and the photos.
And mom’s confession is too much and too long. Doesn’t matter. Jeremy knows the score as does the audience. She doesn’t have to explain.
I think that if you cut much of the first half, you can take this one to its logical conclusion, a confrontation between Jeremy and mom. Not showing us that cheats the audience. And of course, it should be Colin who makes the difference. Hard to do in 13 pages, but it’s probably worth the effort.