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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Roadside Charm Moderators: bert
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  Author    Roadside Charm  (currently 2435 views)
Don
Posted: April 10th, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Roadside Charm by Nolan Bryand - Short, Drama - Police officer John is stopped roadside with a client, a particularly cute one. 3 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 22nd, 2016, 1:54pm
revised draft
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cbead
Posted: April 10th, 2016, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Nolan,

A cute little turn with the 4 yo on the toy car, but really there is nothing in this to appeal to a producer I wouldn't think.

Pg 2, grammar issues, need a comma between these

EMILY
Okay(,) daddy.
JOHN
I love you(,) baby girl.
EMILY
I love you too (,) daddy.

I think if you began your story like this then had the next scene where the father gets shot ... or where the family finds out about the cop shot then you would have the makings of a story.

Hope this helps

Chris


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Nolan
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

Thanks for the comment.  That's an intriguing idea, one that I'll mull over.  

Nolan
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RichardR
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Nolan,

Some notes.

This is indeed a short, and that's good. For me, it reads like the opening of a longer work, something that will involve this playful policeman.  And you might consider making Emily a bit older.  at 4, does she really understand tickets and such?  In any case, this is a nice moment that needs something more, perhaps a lesson for Emily.  No riding in the street, fasten your seat belt, a reason to go along with the action, a teachable moment.

Best
Richard
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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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You could do so much more with that scene. Now it's flat writing. Flat? His eyes are covered with sunglasses. Think about that line.

The scene is cute but there's no life in the descriptions.

Read up on how a cop gets a dispatch. Use 10 codes.
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Nolan
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Richard and Clorox,

Thanks for your input.  I'll take another look at this and see what I can do.

And Clorox, as for how a cop gets a dispatch, do you know that for sure?  Being a cop myself, I can tell you that I've heard many radio transmissions without 10 codes.  Radio transmissions are about getting things out, and in panic situations, 10 codes can often get mixed up.  Sometimes it's best to just use plain language rather than 10 codes.  In the famous words of Billy Madison, "Ta Ta today junior".

Nolan

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Nolan  -  April 11th, 2016, 12:09pm
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Equinox
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Nolan,

I like the part with Emily's ticket a lot and to me, the descriptions / action lines are fine. Just expected some other ending, currently it feels like the two parts (Emily and the bank robbery) are separate, unconnected sequences.


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Nolan
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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I hear ya.  What I was going for was the fact that he's a family man, yet has to face the harsh realities with the world of policing.  I hummed and hawed about posting this, as I wasn't sure if there was enough in it for a good story.  I'll need to re-examine it and figure out where to go with it as the criticism seems to generally be the same.

Thanks for the read.

Nolan
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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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I defer to your expertise. I am not a cop but I know a big city police dispatcher and we had a conversation about ten codes. While it may be "right," it would play better on screen. The random public have expectations or pereceptions. Like when the military repeats something 3 times so people know what's going on. It "sounds" more police like, or military like. Like our lives might be drama to us, but it ain't drama to a movie audience.

Like, one Adam twelve, see the man...see, I'm old.
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bert
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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The twist with Emily is nice, but to me, it seems that this is when the story ends.

I get the juxtaposition you are going for, but somehow it doesn't pay this scene off in a way that feels complete.

I was kind of hoping that in his rush to the crime scene, John would CRUNCH over Emily and speed off.  But I am kind of a dick that way.  Please don't use that haha.

The writing is fine -- no complaints there -- but I am left feeling that this should be either a half-page shorter, or a half-page longer.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


I was kind of hoping that in his rush to the crime scene, John would CRUNCH over Emily and speed off.  But I am kind of a dick that way.  Please don't use that haha.
  


That would introduce the paramedic.....wait for it.... Emily's Uncle
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Nolan
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Haha, that's pretty dark!  I'm not entirely opposed to dark, but yeah, I won't be using that .  

And Clorox, thanks for your previous post.  It's definitely a good point about the expectations and perceptions of the public.  I never thought of it that way.  

Nolan
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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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The "read up" was very presumptuous of me.
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Nolan
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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No worries on my part!
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13thChamber
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Short and a slick twist.

Pros

+Twist with the daughter was nice.
+Dialogue was believable.

Cons

- Seems like a scene from something larger. It reads like an opening scene to me.

Keep it up.


13th
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