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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  In The Red - OWC
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  Author    In The Red - OWC  (currently 1822 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In The Red by Jack Tupp

There's a path in the Fairy Tale forest and it's name is Jack.

Short Action Horror based on One, Two, Buckle My Shoe


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm... well enough written but I didn't really get the horror and writer seemed more concerned with cramming different tales into the script - which I found a little distracting.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't mind this one. Well written.

I thought it was quite clever.

Agree that it's not overly horrific but it was an enjoyable read.

It's a consider from me


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pale yellow
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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I like the logline alright. This is nit-picky but I really get turned off when I see the slug spacing off on the first page.

I love the fact that you gave your character some depth by making him OCD. I think you could’ve taken it a bit more overboard or at least have it escalate as the story moves on.

It seems like you got more than your ‘based on’ material working through this story and it slows the read for me. I want to relate ...to the based on material but it’s confusing the way you’ve tried to weave in other stories here (IMO).

This story was just ‘ok’ for me. I would have liked it more if you would’ve stuck to the rhyme and kept it short and simple(like the last part of the story). I LOVED the part where he cracks Red’s skull. Kudos!

Good job!


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AlsoBen
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I didn't like this one. It's too concerned with making references to as many fairy tales. It wasn't really a horror, and I didn't find it funny (although humour is sbjective so who knows).

On the other hand, it's well written and it makes sense. So others may love it.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one. It took a while to get to the "Horror"  cracking Red Riding Hood's skull and putting her through a meat cleaver... nice visuals

One of the better entries so far


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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This one seems to be a marmite script, which for those who don't understand that, means some will like, some will not.

Alas it wasn't for me.

I liked the mix of fairytales, and I didn't mind jack doing in red riding hood, but otherwise it seemed lacking. He goes to the shops meet LRRH and kills her for supper.

I did like the OCD and that could have been played out a bit more, and throughout.

I wondered whether the mushrooms could have played a part making him go nuts, just a thought


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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I don't see how this source material can transfer to a story and be horror...we'll see.

2nd Slug - "BEDROOM" - is this the same "FAIRY TAIL COTTAGE"?  If so, you need to use the same Slug Header, then go to bedroom.

When you use a "name" or "character", you always have to set it off with comma(s).

"noticeable" - "noticeably"

Dialogue an tone are obviously way off base here, if this indeed a "fairy take cottage".  Based on what I'm reading, this seems like some sort of comedy of the like so far.

Page 3 - Little Red Riding Hood?  WTF?  No...not going to work.

Obviously not horror at all, no matter if it turns to horror or not.  The source material offers nothing and I can tell already this script won't either.


I'm out. Sorry, bro, but very dull and and unengaging.  No reason to mix in different fairy tales.  I'm out, and...

No Grade


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Gum
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Awe, man... this was going along all whimsical n' shit, that is... until Jack turned into Sweeney Todd.

Second One, Two rhyme I've tackled thus far and, while it's basically the same rhyme at work here,  each deserves its own merit because they're somewhat different in their approach, vis-à-vis, this one has a literal approach. That being said, I don't have to decipher any metaphors, even though I like doing things like that...

Remember the Warriors, when Swan asked Luther why he wasted Cyrus?  Luther said: 'No reason... I just like doing things like that." Well, same thing... only different.

Anyways, the writing on display leads me to believe this isn't your first time out, and, while it was strangely disturbing, it actually played out like an after school theater production, slow and easy... and I wholeheartedly just wanted to sing out loud as we made people sausages.

BTW, while there's scary, gory, horror, etc.  It's always the disturbing aspects of a script, or movie that stays with me the longest. This one will probably linger a bit longer than necessary because it's so wrong on so many levels. Mind you, how could it be so wrong when it feels so right?

Fun, creepy, ghoulish tale, I dig Jack's morbid candor and the whole bloody mess he made without a care in the world. Best of luck.
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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I'm somewhere in the middle with this one.

Jack with OCD, funny and a good character development beyond the lothing of giants. Also, spotted something above dismissing the inclusion of Red Riding Hood, not really sure why. It's a creative exercise, and going a bit left field is fine with me, and definitely more creative than just doing a straight tale reconstruction.

Anyway, I liked it's fun tone, masking the gore to come. It's probably in the consider category for at least being something different


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:38am Report to Moderator
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A light-hearted tale of evisceration and cannibalism, the sort of bedtime story Hannibal Lector might read to his child before saying, "Nighty-night."

There's barely six minutes of screen time here, so all the merry little couplets serve to move things along without becoming annoying. References to other fairy-tale characters are okay by me.

Small cosmetic stuff I won't mention. Re the OCD, I don't think you need to say it's OCD because you've already shown us.

Final scene was pretty offal (pun intended).





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EWall433
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was pretty good. Sort of a horror-themed parody of fairytales. There's not a whole lot going on here beyond a day in the life of a fairytale serial killer. I sort of like the idea of everyone blaming it on the wolf.

This is well-written and put together, but for me it doesn't rise much above the level of skit. There's essentially only two acts and one reversal (finding out Jack’s the killer). A more complete tale needed to keep going. For instance, what if the Wolf was a bigger character and showed up at the door intending to clear his name and accuse Jack of all the murders? That might serve as a better final act than simply making sausage. But maybe I'm wrong. Once again, what this script does do, it does well.
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, this had so much potential. I love the opening. Such fun, efficient character stuff with the OCD patterns revealed the moment he wakes up followed by anger issues.

But then you don't employ any of that once he meets up with Red. Instead of using the personality defects you just established so skillfully to help build tension you resort to heavy-handed stuff like this:

Code

Jack flashes a sinister grin and gets a distant look in his eyes.



Code

...the trail takes a dark and ominous appearance.



That's not enough on its own to keep a reader glued to the page.

I'd recommend finding ways to put him in situations where people and events keep triggering his OCD. A fence post out of place that bothers him, Red wearing mismatched clothing, etc. And the whole time he's struggling to control himself and not lose his shit completely.

Maybe Red is even purposefully triggering his OCD and she uses it to turn the tables on him... I dunno... you can pretty much come up with any kind of story here. Just use the tools you already built for yourself at the beginning.


That rug really tied the room together.
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khamanna
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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This is not complicated - easy to follow story about Jack having Red for dinner.

He wants to eat. He goes through a count to have a plate on his table. And he makes an unusual and pretty unexpected choice - it's Red who just shared her fears about a wolf with him. I do appreciate the irony here.

And I could see the purpose of the rhyme.

Puss doesn't serve any purpose, I think. He's just around Jack in the house. I think if you have him he needs to do more. Or to be for something in there, not just hang around.

I see Psycho in this. There's another one on the board that's a nod to Psycho I think.
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Equinox
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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You start with the first slug: EXT - FAIRY TALE COTTAGE - IN THE MORNING - then describe the cottage in the next action line. I'd drop "FAIRY TALE COTTAGE" and just put "COTTAGE" there. Everyone will have a different image of a "FAIRY TALE COTTAGE" which will be busted by the following action line anyway.

The whole dialog on page 3/4 falls into the "Tell, not show" category. Why would the characters talk in all detail about the wolf and the missing pigs and how long they've been missing, as they both obviously already know all that? Right, because they aren't talking to each other but to the reader.

After all, I thought the start was a little slow. 1/3 of the script just describing how he wakes up and gets dressed. Six pages for a dude meeting a little girl and killing her is too much in my opinion.

Good effort and an easy read, but not one of my favorites.


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