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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Enchanted Quill - OWC
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  Author    The Enchanted Quill - OWC  (currently 2658 views)
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:21pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Enchanted Quill by Mark Renshaw (Mark Renshaw)  writing as Prince Urpon Ah-Thyme - Short, Splatter Horror - A troubled young woman seeking answers about her dark past discovers a magic software app that allows her to make wishes comes true, but at a price - each wish costs her a fraction of her soul.

Based on The Enchanted Quill - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 6th, 2016, 5:26pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 4:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

The effects of writing again....

The Island of Jersey
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Nice effort.

Short and contained. Effectively this a revenge play on magic wishes. The weakness is the one sided nature and to a degree the redundant element of the other characters. I assume there actions are a throw back to the original story??

The flashback to the finding of the app didnt seem to add a huge amount.

I considered some kind of computer app In a modernised version but it didn't float my boat as it felt a little too unlikely and I suppose I feel that here in terms of a lack of magic about the app itself.

But having said all that, it's one script that could be filmed and I think could be tweaked to be made stronger.

Solid entry

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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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This is a morbid tale of sweet revenge. I wasn't aware of it actually until now either. I have a Bros. Grimm book I bought years ago, but the thing is a friggin' tome and I can only read a few passages before my mind wanders off to some outer concept of reality... Bros. Grimm will do that to you.

BTW, I'm aware that this is not Grimm, but feel most, if not all, tales have an allegorical connection to the human psyche. Jung was a proponent of these archetypes that fill our mind with thoughts of murder and debauchery... leaving us wondering how the fuck we can dredge up such concepts of horror... this script encapsulates that concept.

Anyway, that being said, this put me in mind of Donald Marshall and the Cloning Stations...

You'll have to take it at face value of course but, the overwhelming evidence points to sinister forces at work, doing similar torture in an arena full of freaks. Or, is it that immutable human archetype lurking in his(Donald's) mind, that, if given magical powers to exact retribution on those who made us suffer, would grab the monster by the reigns and have at 'er.

This is also a tale of possession, hence the vomiting of a demonic force controlling the will, another aspect of the human corporeal structure being nothing more than a vessel for whatever personae wants to inhabit it, in this case Milly's form.

Well written. Dark and horrific to say the least, with a great use of visuals to slam this out into the psychotic world of Neverland. Good work.
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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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I read the source material first and am rather clueless...and wondering how or why anyone would attempt this.  We'll see...

Title page looks pretty bad and is not a good sign.

2nd passage ends in an orphan and it's all because you chose to overwrite the character description.  If he's dressed like a "traditional lumberjack", how can we see the veins in his arms?

Not working for me at all. It's ambitious for sure, and very creative and I give you credit for that, but I'm not buying into anythign going on and the tone doesn't seem to fit this fantastic voyage you've started.

No grade

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  October 16th, 2016, 6:42pm
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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good effort, and a pretty gory one. Maybe leaned on that a bit too much. After reading the original story I was pleasantly surprised to see the “loses her soul bit by bit” part was an original addition. I really liked that aspect of it and feel the story could benefit from concentrating on that more.

The flashback of her finding the app didn't really add much. I would also suggest making Malcolm guilty of something less horrific than child molestation. By making him such a monster, you justify everything that happens to him right up front when the thing that's most intriguing about the story is watching Milly’s state of mind become darker and darker with every wish. By making her the victim of such a horrific crime, it's hard to see that her soul’s not lost from the get-go, There's no progression to track. And when she turns to guy number two, I have no idea what to expect. Unless he molested her too, why would he be in danger?

I like what the ending was trying to do, but it doesn't work for me because we haven't seen her go from normal to soulless. Too much of what happens to Malcolm depends on who he is and not what the app is, which undercuts the gist of the story, imo.
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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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This was very interesting and out of the box. I was curious to see where it was going. And hers is a nice character.

I don't see the point in having all three of the men there. I think you could get rid of the other two.

It got a bit repetitive for me. She was telling the quill to do stuff to Malcolm over and over and telling Malcolm that he broke her soul over and over. So in a way, the scenes lost the conflict for me. Maybe if Malcolm did something back. At least talked back - and he tried somewhere int he middle, which I really liked.

The flashback - I'm not sure if you need it. Whatever is in it - she retold through dialog.

I think you could cut some of the dialog. Her angry dialog, the stuff she tells the quill to do to Malcolm - everything that's a repetition should go in my vision.
Otherwise it's a really unique entry and a very good idea.
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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Sydney, Australia
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As a whole I really enjoyed this. I thought it was well written and a quick, easy read.

My only issue is that I didn’t really feel anything for Milly, and to honest I found her to be quite an unlikable character. I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for.

I still thought it was a great effort. In my top 3 at this point and I only have 5 left to read.

It’s a recommend from me.

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Private Message Reply: 6 - 31
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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I loved Milly. I thought this was a smooth, intriguing read. I haven't read the original, but I'm not going to do that and try to read the OWC's as well. I loved the introduction of the iPad - I thought that worked well and I'm assuming that that wasn't in the original.

I couldn't fault this, I really enjoyed it.
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Posted: October 17th, 2016, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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You are really good with descriptions, Prince. Flowed well and easy to read.

I don't know the original story, so I didn't know where this was going. Horrifying stuff. But really witty too, ie "fucking microtransactions" ;P

I enjoyed this, it will be a reccomend.

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Posted: October 19th, 2016, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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Small nitpick - the introduction of the third (and most important) man was a bit thin compared to the good descriptions of the other two.

I thought it was quite okay, a little too predictable after all. I had hoped for a twist, where the soul debt thing backfires on her in some way in the end, but it didn't happen. The horror of the descriptions of what she lets Malcolm do were very good and imaginable. Well written too, it was a quick and easy read.

One of the better scripts so far.

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Posted: October 19th, 2016, 7:19am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Why do you describe a bald man when it turns out he got a name, Malcolm…? Not a fatal mistake but simply irritating.

Bottom p1/p2- Another confusing moment I had here concerning the ipad, read it 3 times till I got what visually happens.

Okay, not completely there yet. Once I was familiar how she can use that tool, also visually understanding things, it was getting better and better. There were some dragging slow parts but hell there was also some real tension rising.

At first, I only found your script solid but the more I thought and think about the script I read only few moments ago, the better I like it. It feels NEW. There's an unfamiliar degree of absurdity that is very striking. Nothing really fits together, the bird, Ipad, butler, flashbacks, a pedophile… the tone between caustic wit and ruthlessness. etc.  Nothing matches. And that's the great thing to experience in this story here. As said, it feels new, fresh, and free. Rollercoaster-style. It works for me. Good job.

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Cam Gray
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator

Laaaaannnndddaaaan (London)
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I quite like this one.

It was like some other worldly revenge movie, with elements of Hard Candy chucked in. There were horror elements there, so you've got that down, and whilst it moved quickly and jumped all over the place, it didn't lose me.

I'll give it a consider

23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Posted: October 19th, 2016, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't think this was too bad.  I thought the dialogue for Milly was a little off, but that's just my opinion.  I don't have much for you on this one, I think everyone has said it already.  

I thought the scene with Malcolm was good.  The imagery was brutal, but in a good way.  

I'm torn on this one.
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Posted: October 20th, 2016, 4:56am Report to Moderator

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I like the idea at its core, and the script mostly does well to quantify it into words but... I feel as if there's this constant escalation throughout the script that doesn't really end up anywhere. There's a very simple story at its core, which seems to be the biggest problem.

The concept is good, a subtle revenge story almost -- but I would've liked to see some lows as well as some highs. But right now, there's a wish, there's torture, more wishes, more torture, and for ten pages, it gets tiring -- not quickly mind you, but it does wear you down. There just needs to be a little more here, some headbutting, some conflict, just some...story really. As it stands though, it's a very decent effort for a week's worth, and one of the better entries I've read thus far. Good effort.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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Wow!  Okay, that was interesting.  Glad I looked up the tale before reading.  Modern version of this tale of revenge.  Writing was good enough to keep things going.  I could picture it all on “screen” in my head.  The violence seemed just about right for the story and good enough to call this horror.  Interesting ending because I thought it would turn out different – or maybe I’m just tired.  When Milly is narrating in the flashback, there was one instance I thought you should have a pause:

Then one day, she found a magic application which would grant her all her wishes. Break his fingers.

Plus,  when she started the voiceover and then had the Quill do these things to Malcolm, it was a little confusing at first.  I got it, but just make sure it’s all clear what’s going on.  Some might want to know more about the butler and lumberjack, but I say it’s much better not knowing and makes her last line appropriate.  Good job overall, especially for a OWC.  One of the better ones so far.

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Yes
Overall: Recommend

My Scripts:
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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