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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Nightshade - OWC
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  Author    Nightshade - OWC  (currently 1505 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nightshade by The Grimm Sisters

Snow White seeks revenge on the Evil Queen that sentenced her death.

Short Comedy Horror based on Snow White


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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Not for me, but I did like the mirror.

In fact, whilst it's hardly new, the idea of a mirror telling the truth could be very funny. Here, I enjoyed some lines, others less so

The mix of fairytales is fine and adds an element, and I like the seven deadly sins in the dead seven dwarfs- that's a decent idea. In fact I would have focused on that alone. I think that consept has legs.

Ta



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Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 10:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Opening sounds odd, with "A KING", and then "An elegant QUEEN MARY".  The odd part is the "A" and "AN".

Now we have full on nudity...NICE!  

"can be heard" - unnecessary.  

If we're in the King and Queen's bedroom, why is the King pacing back and forth in the Hallway?

"Kings face" - "King's face"

Next Slug is the same, which is a mistake.

Huh?  The Queen is dead and the King doesn't know it?  WTF?

Serious punctuation issues throughout.  Strange using "a" and "an" when introing characters.  Dialogue sounds almost like a comedy.

Hmmm...wondering if this is a comedy or pisser now?

Dialogue is just terrible, sorry to say.

Sorry, but that's all I can take.  Not sure if this is supposed to serious, comedy, pisser, or what, but it doesn't work at all for me.

No Grade


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pale yellow
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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I love the title...

Grammar/typos/punctuation errors ...

The dialogue needs work.

As far as story, I didn't like the use of the beanstalk or even understand it. Did the beanstalk grow out of the patch of ground Snow had been buried? It was confusing that part for me.

I did like the mirror in this. I also liked the dwarves as the seven deadly sins. Very clever there. I liked at the end when Snow kept asking the mirror ... didn't like some part of this but overall it turned out ok for me.

Good job.


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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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So I'm 99.9999999% sure I know who wrote this.

It did have a few simple issues that would be easy to fix but as a whole I really enjoyed it.

F@#king hilarious, between the Mirror and Lust I had several laugh out loud moments.

Not sure I'd really classify it as a horror but the killing was horrific so itíll do. Itís a gory comedy, and just because there is gore doesnít necessary mean horror.

One of my favourites, for sure.

A recommend from me.


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Gum
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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LOL, I liked the comedic vibe this thing was throwing off, works well for a late Sunday evening.

Se7en Deadly Sinners... nice. That alone is a clever concept you should have rolled with... Lust and his 'Rock out with your cock out!' attitude could have stolen the show, if you worked that angle a bit more.

Some of this shit is too funny, and some is just too much fluff before the Grand Finale, I'm afraid. Mirror ain't the sharpest tool in the shed either, could have just appeased Nightshade to save his ass... save that he's probably sick and tired of the whole dysfunctional scene and just wants to die.

Not entirely my bag but, points for a humorous angle, fun script.
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StevenClark
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Laugh out loud moments that just kinda take you off guard here. I enjoyed the writing, flowed pretty well -- however, your ending seemed rushed and tied up too quickly. Still, what came before made up for that. A funny and fun entry that's one of the better ones so far. Good job!

Steve


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c m hall
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Clever story with surprising dialogue and colorful characters that makes good use of the source material -- just what this OWC should be, IMHO.

SPOILERS

The 7 dwarfs, seen briefly, have the earnestness and simplicity one hopes to see in them, and their identification with the deadly sins gives them gravitas they deserve.  

The ending: Snow White pitching the head through the mirror is a nice, concise and energetic summation of this version of the story.

All in all, this could be quite a dynamic film -- entertaining, with some very funny dialogue but for me it's a stretch to call it a comedy; the stage is strewn with corpses, traditionally the indication of tragedy.  

note, the final page of the script shows some missing sentence-ending punctuation and "separates for her neck" should be, I think, "from".
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Very good title, writer.

I don't understand the second slug, why it is extern, and also why the super is placed before it. That made me stop and think a second if there isn't another room intern next to the bedroom.

P3 too comedic eventually???
P4 it is! Not that it's bad but you got a pretty cool opening that could be build up things in a more serious way, beautifully horrible.

Okay, I read the rest and I'd call it a witty parody with splatter. To me, not every splatter film is horror. Even a splatter film needs suspense and tension to qualify as scary - for my taste.

Such an esthetic choice of title compared to the plot shows its complete lack of focus. Don't get me wrong, it is partly very, very funny but this challenge isn't write Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It's still entertaining but I hope you understand my personal view.


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stevie
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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LOL almost a dark comedy. At times the gory bits jarred with the humour and snappy lines - I'd liked to see this re-done perhaps with more slapstick violence and keep the comedy!

Pretty well written too. Not sure if comedy/horror was strictly allowed but at least it was a new take on Snow White.


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khamanna
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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This was at parts funny.

I think you took an easy route - the exact tale and this is a Disney version with Doc in it, and you just added some profanity in it.
Not to say that profanity didn't work. At places it did.

I didn't understand how she killed the king. The part where she orgazms and he dies in convulsions was funny though.

It could be more refined and funnier. Just spend some more time on this.
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Recommending this all the flipping way.

Some of the scripts I've read have been uber gory, some have been a bit bokers, this expetly treads a line between them.

The mirror was my favourite, and a couple of other fairy tale characters appearing had a bit of Deadpool with his X Men about it. In fact that's what you've created here, a Deadpool-esque fairytale, with flippant throw away comments and a good bit of brutality.

Well done


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Nomad
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Genius!  Pure genius!

It's as if Anna Karenina, Jane Eyre, Lolita, and All the King's Men had an orgy and this was the love child birthed from that sweaty, sticky, odorous mess.

This shall forevermore be inscribed within the annals of literature as the worlds top 11 greatest works.

Why 11?  Because it's that fucking good!



Truthfully though, I found it to be poorly written and juvenile.  

There were no LOL out loud moments, the tone was all over the place, and it was on-the-nose.

It's doubtful you were trying to write 'Crime and Peace' or 'War and Punishment', regardless, it wasn't for me.

Jordan


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Nomad  -  October 20th, 2016, 9:00am
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to have to take a pass on this one, sorry,

Laughed a couple of times but the majority of it just isn't my kind of comedy. I do like the fact the Snow White came back as a zombie though.

There are times where the dialogue got too on-the-nose for me, the end of page 5 for example when Bruce is about to kill snow white.

This isn't bad by any means, just didn't do anything for me, good effort.
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Opinions are all over the place on this one and I can see why. It has some genuinely funny moments with the mirror and some clever lines. Then it veers into Airplane comedy with an actual X marks the spot and her instantly digging a hole. And some of the dialogue is OTN to the point of being unintentionally hilarious (or was it intentional?).

Not to mention all of this is intermixed with extreme violence and a disturbing (and awesome) sex scene with a knife pressed to his throat and her climaxing on top of him as she slits his throat. I've seen gross-out sex stuff and gross-out violence work alongside slapstick humor, but not something like this. This is pretty dark and intense. I mean that in a good way, I thought it was the most compelling scene even though it came out of nowhere after a whole series of silly throw away gags.  

So... I can't figure out what you're going for here. Just the concept of this queen who's a sexual force going around slaughtering people and taking what she wants is kind of darkly comedic in it's own right. I don't think you need to force slapstick into the mix. Dark humor doesn't have to be hysterical. Just write some better dialogue and hone your characters/story and the humor can flow naturally from that.


That rug really tied the room together.
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