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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Would Not Tell A Lie - OWC
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  Author    Would Not Tell A Lie - OWC  (currently 1786 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Would Not Tell A Lie by Strings Attached

A wooden boy's desire to be real, leads him on a path to murder.

Short Fairy Tale Horror based on The Adventures of Pinoccio


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Nolan
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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**Spoilers**

So this started out great, but I'm guessing there was a lot of rushing to get it in.  There was some inconsistencies that, if they weren't there, this would be a good story.  I still think it is a good story, but I was lost.  

For instance:

OS is a struggle. The kitty cat girl SCREAMS. Gepetto grunts.

PRINCESS
Stop it!

I didn't see the Princess ever introduced.  Was this meant to be the Kitty?

Then:

This girl is dressed in a FAIRY PRINCESS costume. She is 8,
with dark hair and clutching a magic wand.

KITTY
Help me. Please.

Pinocchio stares at the fairy.

KITTY
Wonít you help me?

I was totally lost at this point.  I don't know where Kitty came from here.  I think you were mixing all the characters up, or maybe you're not and I'm just reading it wrong.

All in all, I liked it.  For some reason the yellow pages made me even more interested.  Clean it up and I think it's great.  

Nolan
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Nomad
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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This wasn't set up correctly but I see where it's going and there's a lot of promise here.

I really wish this flowed better and didn't involve a vampire.

I like the story behind it all but the execution of it wasn't on par.
The dialogue was on the nose and the action lines lacked spice, but it painted a clear picture.

My favorite of the 3 I've read so far.

Jordan

P.S. Lose the yellow pages.  I had to check and see if my browser was broken.  It's not.


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RaphaelH
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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This is a strong script, with evocative descriptions and interesting characters. I'm not that enthusiastic about the idea of making Gepetto into a Vampire Child Murderer, but this twist is handled effectively. I like the "framing" scenes, and, after reading many scripts in this competition full of blood and gore (including this one), it's nice that this tale has a happy ending...
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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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I thought I was having a stroke when I started reading this. Seriously need to lose the yellow pages.

Not too bad, I quite enjoyed this. I'm not sure the vampire angle is necessary and vampires are so over done.

The writing is alright, but is OTN at times.

Itís a consider from me.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Yellow pages, sorry, just no

Spotted where this was going an soon as you said his nose got sharp, interesting idea.

Not sure you need the opening VO

Wasn't sure when/where this was set from a timeframe point of view, seemed odd to have a cowboy costume in a small Italian village and then Pinochio started on about Babe Ruth's guess it's reset

PRINCESS in dialogue, there isn't one up to now in the script?

Ah, I see you've mixed up your characters, you have a Princess in the next scene BUT call her Kitty... oops

A vampire who's reflection is in the mirror, feels a missed opportunity - check out the pacman scene in What we do in the Shadows

I must cut off your legs - not sure if it ws meant but that had me laughing.

And not sure why he'd let his leg get cut off before using his nose?

Liked the twist.

Good effort

Anthony



Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Conz
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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At least I know the story of Pinnochio.  I can actually go into this one with knowledge of the source material.  In fact, i considered this, but thought it stretch the challenged paremeters a bit.

As an appreciator of good puns, the title is kinda corny... eh, that's not fair, it might be perfect in the end.

yellow pages, eh?

that's a lot of dialogue to put over black.  

I'm catching a few typos, but I'll just let others point them out.  I just wanna read the story.

I appreciate the fact you set this in modern times, but at the same time, Gepetto still using wood to build Pinnochio now seems pretty archaic.  A nipick, but i feel like in the days of Baby Ruths, Gepetto would work with some better technological advances.

Who is Princess? where did a Princess come from?

oh there she is.  I would introduce her first.  her saying "Stop it" was confusing.  just seemed like a typo for Kitty Cat.

Now he's talking to Princess but the dialogue says Kitty.  man this is getting jumbled.  Why is she rhyming?  she supposed to be the blue fairy?  but she's just a captive kid, no?  i'm confused.

Now she's "Fairy" instead of "Princess?!"  Where's the consistency?  Come on man.  Did you read this over once?

I gotta say, on the surface i hate the idea of Gepetto being a vampire, but as expected it gave Pinnochio the perfect hero moment, so that was cool.

i wanted to say the father/son storytime framing device was unnecessary but i held off to see the payoff, and in the end, i thought it delivered nicely.

there's a lot to like here.  i still think you could have done a bit more with it, and obviously you need to proofread your submission next time.

a solid, albeit sloppy script.









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StevenClark
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pretty good. There was something about your set up that seemed a little off to me. Quite possibly could've been the way you described the workshop. Something, but I just couldn't get a clear image in my head where all this was taking place, where anyone was in the scene of and leading up to Gepetto's death. However, I freakin loved the ending. Possibly the best twist in the challenge so far. Really enjoyed it. I don't know if it brings this story to a Rec, but it's a solid consider.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Yellow pages?  Why?  Not good...

"A voice, strong and clear, breaks the reverie." - Completely unnecessary, as your dialogue tells us this.

Writing is good out of the gate.

Too many wrylies, too much dialogue with nothing happening onscreen.  A similar setup to a script I just read, with a father telling his son a fairy tale.

Again, writing is good, but far too many "sentences" could be included with prior with a comma, vs. a period, as commas tend to make the read easier on the eye.

Page 4 - A Baby Ruth bar?  What year is this taking place?

Page 5 - OS? HUH?  WTF?  And who is Princess?

Oh boy...things are falling apart.  What's with all the subject-less lines? Why write this way?  Don't!  Just don't do it.

Are Kitty and Princess mixed up?  I'm clueless.

Writing getting very awkward and stilted.

Good wrap up.

Too bad things got so bad, writing-wise.  This cold have been rally, really good, and I will throw out another..

Good Effort.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - B+

Script/Story/Execution - C+ (could have been much higher if you had spent more time editing this).





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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this story. You started nicely - it's a night time story - and I really liked the way you finished it, you showed why it's these people telling the story.

The story itself was very straightforward and strong. Your main character shines through. The story adds up, there's a steady build to it.

I was lost when you kept changing childrens names - Princess, Fairy... You'd call a girl "a girl" then switch to a "fairy"... Then you'd start a scene without telling us who's present in it - that was confusing. But no other grudges besides that.
The dialog was not super great and perhaps you can work on it some more to make it more memorable. But the dialog is good - all I'm saying it could have been more interesting and fun.

I didn't understand why the title. Don't think it gives us the essence what it's about.

Anyway, great job, I think.
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JesseS
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting read.

Yellow Pages hurt my eyes, but it was a good read.

The ending was predictable and I'm lost on a time period here.

Overall, a solid read with a few edits here and there could be great.
Good job.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Page 5 Who is Princess? I had to go back through the pages and still I can't find her.

I liked the twist and the ending was predictable but you did job with the story and the writing was clean.

I knew Gepetto was an evil bastard.

I've noticed how many times the yellow pages were mentioned... yeah not a good idea


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pale yellow
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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I love the yellow paper. How did you do that? Great title. Great logline IMO.

PRINCESS...who is that? And then FAIRY? Who's that?

Anyway with a little confusion...great ending. I love this. Other than the character names confusing me, this was an awesome story!

One of the best in the challenge!


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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Messy execution, feels very rushed (probably was and an unfortunate bi-product of the OWC) but an enjoyable tale with a good twist. Some comments.

The yellow pages - some like it, others don't - I'm indifferent. My focus always primarily on the story.

The setup of reading the fairy tale to a child was dull, I didn't get why you went for this at all but then the twist at the end was great. I can see why you did it but if you could, make the beginning a bit more interesting - get the audience engaged from the very beginning. Don't sacrifice the beginning for the end.

I like how Gepetto was a mentally broken man in this. It really suited the original story. If you were so desperate to have a little boy that you would make one out of wood, this does suggest a bit of mental instability. Here you show Gepetto at his Nth degree, someone so desperate to make his boy real he's killing children and taking parts from them.

At least that's what I thought was happening. Turns out Gepetto is actually a Vampire - wtf? Honestly, I don't think you need that aspect at all.

This is the second Pinocchio story I've read in this OWC and the second to use his nose as a lethal weapon. That suggests this is an obvious option, try to think of something a little different.

I too got confused about the time period. In Gepetto's workshop it all seemed 19th century so I was brought out of the story when the current day Halloween kids turned up.

A very decent effort though, too many issues for a rec but I'll definitely consider this.

-Mark    


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Yellow pages...I'll bet that's been spotted before.

Ok, let's think

We have Gelato, or whatever he's called, as a paedophile killer in the present day - who can snatch a kid on halloweeb[n from a pack without them being noticed - which a boy kills after losing his legs.

But then the suggestion is that the father was associated with this. Which makes me think why would a father tell that tale to a kid, and if not I still think the same.

As an aside princess and kitty got lo mixed up, I think.

Not quite there for me.


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