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So this started out great, but I'm guessing there was a lot of rushing to get it in. There was some inconsistencies that, if they weren't there, this would be a good story. I still think it is a good story, but I was lost.
OS is a struggle. The kitty cat girl SCREAMS. Gepetto grunts.
PRINCESS Stop it!
I didn't see the Princess ever introduced. Was this meant to be the Kitty?
This girl is dressed in a FAIRY PRINCESS costume. She is 8, with dark hair and clutching a magic wand.
KITTY Help me. Please.
Pinocchio stares at the fairy.
KITTY Wonít you help me?
I was totally lost at this point. I don't know where Kitty came from here. I think you were mixing all the characters up, or maybe you're not and I'm just reading it wrong.
All in all, I liked it. For some reason the yellow pages made me even more interested. Clean it up and I think it's great.
This is a strong script, with evocative descriptions and interesting characters. I'm not that enthusiastic about the idea of making Gepetto into a Vampire Child Murderer, but this twist is handled effectively. I like the "framing" scenes, and, after reading many scripts in this competition full of blood and gore (including this one), it's nice that this tale has a happy ending...
At least I know the story of Pinnochio. I can actually go into this one with knowledge of the source material. In fact, i considered this, but thought it stretch the challenged paremeters a bit.
As an appreciator of good puns, the title is kinda corny... eh, that's not fair, it might be perfect in the end.
yellow pages, eh?
that's a lot of dialogue to put over black.
I'm catching a few typos, but I'll just let others point them out. I just wanna read the story.
I appreciate the fact you set this in modern times, but at the same time, Gepetto still using wood to build Pinnochio now seems pretty archaic. A nipick, but i feel like in the days of Baby Ruths, Gepetto would work with some better technological advances.
Who is Princess? where did a Princess come from?
oh there she is. I would introduce her first. her saying "Stop it" was confusing. just seemed like a typo for Kitty Cat.
Now he's talking to Princess but the dialogue says Kitty. man this is getting jumbled. Why is she rhyming? she supposed to be the blue fairy? but she's just a captive kid, no? i'm confused.
Now she's "Fairy" instead of "Princess?!" Where's the consistency? Come on man. Did you read this over once?
I gotta say, on the surface i hate the idea of Gepetto being a vampire, but as expected it gave Pinnochio the perfect hero moment, so that was cool.
i wanted to say the father/son storytime framing device was unnecessary but i held off to see the payoff, and in the end, i thought it delivered nicely.
there's a lot to like here. i still think you could have done a bit more with it, and obviously you need to proofread your submission next time.
a solid, albeit sloppy script.
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Pretty good. There was something about your set up that seemed a little off to me. Quite possibly could've been the way you described the workshop. Something, but I just couldn't get a clear image in my head where all this was taking place, where anyone was in the scene of and leading up to Gepetto's death. However, I freakin loved the ending. Possibly the best twist in the challenge so far. Really enjoyed it. I don't know if it brings this story to a Rec, but it's a solid consider.
I really liked this story. You started nicely - it's a night time story - and I really liked the way you finished it, you showed why it's these people telling the story.
The story itself was very straightforward and strong. Your main character shines through. The story adds up, there's a steady build to it.
I was lost when you kept changing childrens names - Princess, Fairy... You'd call a girl "a girl" then switch to a "fairy"... Then you'd start a scene without telling us who's present in it - that was confusing. But no other grudges besides that. The dialog was not super great and perhaps you can work on it some more to make it more memorable. But the dialog is good - all I'm saying it could have been more interesting and fun.
I didn't understand why the title. Don't think it gives us the essence what it's about.
Messy execution, feels very rushed (probably was and an unfortunate bi-product of the OWC) but an enjoyable tale with a good twist. Some comments.
The yellow pages - some like it, others don't - I'm indifferent. My focus always primarily on the story.
The setup of reading the fairy tale to a child was dull, I didn't get why you went for this at all but then the twist at the end was great. I can see why you did it but if you could, make the beginning a bit more interesting - get the audience engaged from the very beginning. Don't sacrifice the beginning for the end.
I like how Gepetto was a mentally broken man in this. It really suited the original story. If you were so desperate to have a little boy that you would make one out of wood, this does suggest a bit of mental instability. Here you show Gepetto at his Nth degree, someone so desperate to make his boy real he's killing children and taking parts from them.
At least that's what I thought was happening. Turns out Gepetto is actually a Vampire - wtf? Honestly, I don't think you need that aspect at all.
This is the second Pinocchio story I've read in this OWC and the second to use his nose as a lethal weapon. That suggests this is an obvious option, try to think of something a little different.
I too got confused about the time period. In Gepetto's workshop it all seemed 19th century so I was brought out of the story when the current day Halloween kids turned up.
A very decent effort though, too many issues for a rec but I'll definitely consider this.
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Yellow pages...I'll bet that's been spotted before.
Ok, let's think
We have Gelato, or whatever he's called, as a paedophile killer in the present day - who can snatch a kid on halloweeb[n from a pack without them being noticed - which a boy kills after losing his legs.
But then the suggestion is that the father was associated with this. Which makes me think why would a father tell that tale to a kid, and if not I still think the same.
As an aside princess and kitty got lo mixed up, I think.
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