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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Cleaner
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  Author    The Cleaner  (currently 479 views)
Don
Posted: September 24th, 2017, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Cleaner by Dan Walker - Short, Drama - An old cleaner upstages two FBI agents by solving the case. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Logan McDonald
Posted: September 25th, 2017, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan,

This was a fun little story although I think the ending came out of nowhere. So, the connection to the presidents was just a wrong direction the agents were taking the case? I was hoping something would come out of that.

I like the idea that the cleaner would figure things out basically just be remembering aspects of the people who he worked under.

I thought Charlie was going to remember how the killer was a history buff with extensive knowledge of the presidents or something all the while connecting that to the tragic death of the killerís daughter.

None the less, the story was a fun ride. God job.
Logan


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DanielW
Posted: September 26th, 2017, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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Hi Logan,

Thanks for reading.

I wanted to do a feature length on the 'Presidential links', but at this stage, I'm not quite up to writing a FBI thriller.  

  
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Fausto
Posted: September 28th, 2017, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Daniel,
good thriller story. It deserves a feature script. Cut to the point when Charlie appears, work on the agents (investigations, obstacles etc.) and then introduce Charlie and work to the third and final part of your script. If you are not comfortable with a feature, what's the big deal...we learn by writing.
My bst,
Fausto
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DanielW
Posted: September 28th, 2017, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Fausto.

I've learnt so much on this site already.  
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