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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Touché - OWC
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  Author    Touché - OWC  (currently 2148 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Touché by David C Lambertson writing as Anonymous4 (eldave1) - Short, Drama - A young man discovers that the only cure for his phobia is vengeance. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 17th, 2020, 1:04pm
revised draft
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, clearly deals with the phobia head on and a nice way of getting the RIP in at the end.

The only problem for me was I could see where this was going a mile off. The Priest thing is really cliche and was overly used in the last OWC, maybe try a different angle than the one more often travelled?

It also seemed a bit quick him getting over this phobia. Yes, he's faced his fear head on and taken care of business, but it would seem more natural if he started to come out of his shell a bit rather than a full on Scrooge-like recovery.

But a solid entry in my opinion.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Cameron
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Now, I'm fairly certain I know who wrote this, just a couple of tells in there, but that won't cloud my judgement when it comes to marking.

In short, this one's going to be hard to beat. The writing and technical aspects, nailed, no worries there, and it reads with absolutely ease. The paranoia is real and Nathan makes a journey through it, again nailed. The RIP, some anally retentive folk may grumble that it's not dialogue, but I thought it was clever.

There's a tiny typo in there that I can't even remember now, was enjoying the read too much to take note.

Definitely gonna be a contender, unless I'm missing something major which I don't think I am.

Well done

Cam
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Pleb
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Solid.


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JEStaats
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Favorite so far. Great dialog, phobia and RIP. No newbie wrote this one. Loved the dialog between Nathan and the Doctor. Yes - very solid.

Must admit that I rolled my eyes when it came to the abusive priest. It's been way too common lately. But it worked, so no hard feelings.

Excellent work for a one week challenge.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, which I really appreciate.

Page 3 "...as he adjust..." - should be "adjusts"

Page 8 "scalped" - "scalp"

The Flashback isn't properly formatted

Yeah, this is good.  Great job working within the parameters and bringing a compelling and even touching story.  It's obvious where thsi is going, but that's OK.

Only things I'd recommend would be to fix the Flashback and change the INT/EXT scenes so they read better.

Grade - ****
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Like the title.

Good logline here.

Great writing on display. Great dialogue.

Good job with the psychiatrist ...sounds really like a psychiatrist would sound I think.

Love the end. Saw it coming but still love a good ending...

GREAT job. Another good one here.
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Warren
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi,


Quoted Text
NATHAN (O.C.)
Okay, give it to me.


Not a massive issue, but (O.C.) is generally reserved for sitcoms. Here (O.S.) would be better suited. Everyone will know what you mean though.\

SPOILERS

Page 3 and I already know where this is going. I was told how overdone it was in the last QC so I guess it still applies now, it's overdone.

I think some of your wrylies are unnecessary.


Quoted Text
DOCTOR ANDERSON
(low voice - into
recorder)
Classic signs of Aphenphosmphobia.
NATHAN
What’s that?
DOCTOR ANDERSON
It’s the fear of being touched or
of touching.
NATHAN
I’m not afraid. I - I just hate it.
DOCTOR ANDERSON
The most common cause is sexual
abuse.


I think you are spelling a few things out that are already written into the subtext, for me this takes away from the overall piece.

Flashback in unnecessary and I think it's used to fill in space.


Quoted Text
FATHER O’NEIL (O.S.)
Nathan? Is that you?


Now I'm confused, what do you think the difference between (O.S.) and (O.C.) is?

Good character arc for Nathan and smart wordplay with the sign.

One of the better ones so far.

All the best.


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khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey,
That's a nice short, thanks for submitting.
THe progression in this is nice, the story is very well tied together. The reason to do what he did is perfect and I liked the way you arrived at it.

SPOILERS

The letters being taken down - a bit too much for me for some reason. But makes sense, since the priest used church and God as a shield to do what he did.

The priest route maybe offensive to some. And also, I suppose it's a bit of talked about, I mean beaten topic. But you were very subtle with it.

ANd I like how the doctor says he should forget and forvige - the very values that religion would impose on him. Very clever take on the challenge I have to say. Makes great sense.

Anyway, thanks for a great read.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Oh no, not another Church/Priest abuse story.

Should be called Cliche, instead of Touche.

Anti-Christian, bigoted garbage, for me I'm afraid.

No disrespect intended to the writer. It's just far too didactic  and the overt manipulation of the stories message... Displayed by changing the written message on the Church takes the story over the line into a prejudicial and inherently illogical (the Priest was forsaking the scripture already) attack on an entire religion and not just the Priest's actions.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  October 22nd, 2017, 6:55am
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JakeJon
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Great Write and easy read!!  Heard it before and knew where it was going but still very well done.

  BUT  Grounds for Disqualification of the OWC?  Perhaps Anyway.

The phobia is either a fear of priests or fear of molestation?   Not being able to touch someone, is the SYMPTOM or MANIFESTATION of either of these two phobias.  (Nicely depicted I might add).
Dr. Anderson would know this.

Unintentional, I'm certain, but the incorrect phobia usage allows the writer to hide the "twist"  and/or create suspense.  If the logline indicated "priest" , no surprises.

The RIP ending was GREAT and very Nathan.

Good stuff!

JJ



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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely handled - from the writing to the plot.  Fairly well trodden path with revenge on the abusive priest but I like the way you wove the phobia into this - the trailer door and drive-thru were a nice touch.  The doctor’s office scene was subtle enough to inform without feeling too much like exposition and the dialogue felt natural.  A smooth read - couple of typos to pick up on a revision but otherwise I could sit back and let the story unfold.  Solid entry albeit a tad too familiar.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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RJ
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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I like how you've set the opening scenes - gives us a good, true sense of the phobia. Although, after going back and reading what phobia this was - I initially though it was germs.

I think the INT/EXT scene would have worked better as just EXT. DRIVE-THRU. You would still see and get a sense of what the scene involves. I like the basket set up - you handled that well.

For the most part I liked the story. Clean and crisp read. As others have stated - I think this might have played out better if it wasn't another priest abuse story'. I also believed in the seriousness of the phobia he was feeling until he suddenly turned up -after one doctors visit- to the church. I understand the constraints of 12 pages and feel this needed more, so it was being cramped in.

Don't get me wrong, I liked this a lot. Good job.

RJ
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Spqr
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but I can't think of anything that would improve this story. Well done.
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Huidong
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing, decent pace. The story was a bit predictable, but I guess it's hard to make one that isn't.  
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