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Cell Mates by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as XXX - Short, Horror - A new inmate discovers she has a lot more to worry about than just her new cellmate when she finds out it's actually cell mates. 6 pages - pdf, format
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Why is Kaz on top bunk? This writer clearly doesn't know how annoying it is to be so close to the lights and have to jump up and down all the time to get in and out of bed. The better bunk is the bottom.
All very cheesy, low rent drama so far. Lines are bad. Circumstances are poor. Oh, man, now it's exposition. I lost interest by the end.
That was cool. Not quite sure that Jack would be considered a guardian angel but cool none the less. The dialog in accent didn't really let me read effortlessly, which would have been better. Was there true value to having such a hard accent?
This was okay, I think I liked the other one better but since it was disqualified I guess this one will be the winner! I didn't care for the accents in the dialogue, and I'm wondering if Jack was a 'guardian' angel 'cause he sure didn't seem like one. Too bad these had to be short, I was kind of wondering where this one was going.
Short notes: I enjoyed Kaz and the later main villain "ghost" Jack. Lara on the other side was unremarkable to me, she could need some shape. Storywise, it could improve with some more focus in picture, where is who, how get a better overview between cell, doorway, landing, which wasn't so clear to me as a storyline expression although I principally understood all of the action. In general, the little scenario you developed works well.
story (0-5): 3
character (0-5): 3
script presentation (0-5): 3
total: 9
@ after reading your criteria I must do some adjustments, as I ironically also did toward your opponent's assessment.
For not including a guardian angel, which is a well-minded being to me, and rather replacing it with a dark angel in the core of the story and its expression, I reduce your score here for not less than 5 points.