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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Cell Mates - WT
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  Author    Cell Mates - WT  (currently 669 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cell Mates by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as XXX - Short, Horror - A new inmate discovers she has a lot more to worry about than just her new cellmate when she finds out it's actually cell mates. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 20th, 2018, 9:44pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:45am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Writing was crisp - solid - the writer knows his/her stuff.

The story was okay - but this is clearly a tough parameter and a short schedule.

Good cfraftsmanship


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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I have no idea what a "G4S" uniform is.

Not sure I like the way you wrote the character's dialogue and their contractions.

Pretty dark story, which I prefer.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 3.5/5

Total - 3.75
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DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Umm wow that was dark.  I didn't care for your protagonist so that's a problem.

I can't add much more but to say I preferred the other one.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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ajr
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, ticks the boxes on this challenge, though I'm not sure Jack qualifies as a "guardian" angel.

Dark as others have said. Liked it but didn't really have an emotional reaction to it.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, that was weird and messed up. I liked it. Dialogue was quite good for the most part.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Dustin
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Why is Kaz on top bunk? This writer clearly doesn't know how annoying it is to be so close to the lights and have to jump up and down all the time to get in and out of bed. The better bunk is the bottom.

All very cheesy, low rent drama so far. Lines are bad. Circumstances are poor. Oh, man, now it's exposition. I lost interest by the end.

Writing: 2
Story 2

Total: 2


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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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That was cool. Not quite sure that Jack would be considered a guardian angel but cool none the less. The dialog in accent didn't really let me read effortlessly, which would have been better. Was there true value to having such a hard accent?

Nice work for the 48 hours limit. Good job.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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This was okay, I think I liked the other one better but since it was disqualified I guess this one will be the winner! I didn't care for the accents in the dialogue, and I'm wondering if Jack was a 'guardian' angel 'cause he sure didn't seem like one. Too bad these had to be short, I was kind of wondering where this one was going.


MY WEBSITE

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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Cell Mates

Short notes: I enjoyed Kaz and the later main villain "ghost" Jack. Lara on the other side was unremarkable to me, she could need some shape. Storywise, it could improve with some more focus in picture, where is who, how get a better overview between cell, doorway, landing, which wasn't so clear to me as a storyline expression although I principally understood all of the action. In general, the little scenario you developed works well.


story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 3

script presentation (0-5): 3

total: 9


@ after reading your criteria I must do some adjustments, as I ironically also did toward your opponent's assessment.

For not including a guardian angel, which is a well-minded being to me, and rather replacing it with a dark angel in the core of the story and its expression, I reduce your score here for not less than 5 points.

NEW TOTAL: 4



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 4th, 2019, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Cell Mates has been optioned by a Producer in Holland.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zack
Posted: September 4th, 2019, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hell yeah! Awesome news, Anthony. Congrats!


MY RATING SYSTEM

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