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Pools (currently 1585 views)
Don
Posted: April 29th, 2018, 11:00am
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So, what are you writing?
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Pools by Anthony Cawood - Short, Family, Children's Fantasy - The missing fairies may be closer to home than this little girl things. 2 pages - pdf, format
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eldave1
Posted: April 29th, 2018, 11:48am
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Hwy, Anthony:
Quoted Text
DAD (O.C.)
Are you missing an "it" here?
Quoted Text
Rex lets her have the stick back to stir the new pool.
IMO - a bit too crisp here. Not sure what let'e her have the stick here is suppose to be visually and I don't know what she's looking at when she says "see". Maybe something like:
Hoping for a fetch, Rex drops the stick to the ground. Bethany grabs it, stirs the pool - nothing but water. - Something like that.
I didn't quite get the theme of the story - at the end felt that there was more to read.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 30th, 2018, 2:02pm
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Thanks for taking a read Dave, this was another one of the 'spare' 1 pagers from the OWC.
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eldave1
Posted: April 30th, 2018, 2:59pm
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LC
Posted: April 30th, 2018, 6:38pm
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Haven't read it yet. Just letting you know there's a typo in the logline. Things. Thinks.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 30th, 2018, 7:08pm
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khamanna
Posted: May 1st, 2018, 1:22am
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Started out very well and you kept me curious to the very end. But the ending is abrupt for me and I'm not sure I got it.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 1st, 2018, 2:53pm
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Kham... so the ending is meant to be that she's the fairy in the story... as all little girls are, well my daughter at least
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khamanna
Posted: May 1st, 2018, 7:19pm
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Anthony, you deacribed the fairy as a young girl with white hair. Maybe you could say Bethany. a bit otn but it'll bring clarity.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 2nd, 2018, 2:32am
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Thanks Kham, good point, changed it.
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