SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 6th, 2022, 11:01am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Read scripts studios are posting for award consideration.


The January Project script, Relentless, is live!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Cindy Tucker, Sewage Queen - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Cindy Tucker, Sewage Queen - WT2  (currently 773 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15519
Posts Per Day
1.96
Cindy Tucker, Sewage Queen by Anonymouse7 - On her first work day in the sewer system, legend of the streets, Cindy Tucker, has to prove herself when the mighty fatberg calls for her. - Short, Comed


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 3:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3381
Posts Per Day
0.70
I enjoyed the banter when she first turned up to meet Bob and Carlos.

I think there's comedy potential in the Fatberg idea, but I don't think it quite got there.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 17
Warren
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 5:04am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3721
Posts Per Day
1.61
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
the enthusiasm
of her rosy cheeks, the confident smile, her sparkling eyes
actually express - I am today's Cyndi Lauper.


I'm sorry but there is just no way to translate this to screen. It barely works in the script.


Quoted Text
CINDY (V.O.)
As I told you, women can be
anything they want in this world.


When did she tell us?

Early on I'm thinking English may not be a first language.


Quoted Text
CINDY
Oh, well, thank you not.


I don't understand the "not".

The dialogue is not great by any means.

I'm getting a bit of a Tommy Wiseau vibe.


Quoted Text
Cindy runs for her live.


Life.

Not my kind of humour at all.

This needs a lot of work all round. I'm not sure too much of it is actually salvageable. I don't imagine it would be one you'd hang onto or revisit after the tournament.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 17
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 10:46am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1528
Posts Per Day
1.05
Hello writer

This is too overwritten for my taste - I guess that's your style - It is really hindering my enjoyment and taking me out of the story, most of page 1 I had my "WTF?" face on.

Ok, I am not a fan of your writing at all - It's overwritten and I just can't follow it properly.

I'm not sure what the story it - what is the story? There were a few strands left dangling and nothing really tied together at all.

I applaud the effort but this is a swing and a miss for me - With more time you could really focus this, but I don't think it works as is.

The image of her floating under the manhole cover still blowing the whistle made me laugh though.




Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 17
JEStaats
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1689
Posts Per Day
0.75
So, I get it. This is one that if you don't visualize a mental picture, it's totally lost. Though there wasn't much to lose. Croc? Really? And then to misspell them as crocks later on.

The whistle and camera just appeared. Not sure where they came from and for what purpose. Did you need to condense this to meet the five page limit?

You developed the characters, so good on you for that. The story, ever so ridiculous, is okay because it's comedy and supposed to be ridiculous. Yeah, it was out there.

The dialog had some potential but missed the mark for me. Some decent banter but nonsensical, which again is almost acceptable for the genre.

Overall, good attempt and valiant effort.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1198
Posts Per Day
0.68
I like the characterization of Cindy. Bold. Confident. Worked for me.

Not a fan of the VO. And, I don't understand the need for the line "As I told you..."

Story worked fine, I thought. Cindy hears of job. Gets job. Does job. Messes up on job. It's  5 pager... can't do too much more.

Yes, this is very much a visual humor script. So, you've got to read it that way.

All in all, a good effort. Not the best of the bunch, but stronger than many.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 17
Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Opening Slug - SHOPPING STREET - HUH?  WTF is that supposed to mean?

2nd passage is a mess and so overwritten and irritating.  I'm very worried on what's going to follow...

Why is there a VO here?  Oh man...

"make some pictures" - Huh?

Love the CUT TO: - Thanks for that.

No clue what this is supposed to be about. Not for me at all.

Story - None

Characters - so over the top and irritating

Dialogue - so over the top, racist, sexist, and irritating

Prose - Really?

Criteria - Well, I see attempts at comedy, we're in a sewer, and yeah, she blows a whistle, but I hate giving out 5 points for this very weak attempt.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 17
Kevin_L
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 12:07am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
103
Posts Per Day
0.02
I liked your female lead. How she speaks with the “not.”  Some women add words like that to the end of their sentence. Kind of like some girls say...”as if”  I’m not a structure guru. But maybe put in    
        Character
Yada yada yada
         (Then)
       Not!
I think that would help illustrate her speech pattern.  

Most women of her mindset wouldn’t ever do that job. Reminded me of the character in Legally Blonde just a few more pounds .

Liked the Fatberg. I think there is plenty of extra meat, left over on the comedy bone ,to do some more stuff with the Fatberg.

You’ll get there ,just keep riding the Fatberg wave.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 17
LC
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 1:53am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6642
Posts Per Day
1.30
And,when I heard, they search for more
female workers in the wastewater

Awkward sentence. Try something like: When I heard jobs were opening up for gals in waste management...

BOB
I never said this before but can we just go (get) down there
- Made me chuckle.

take some pictures of it (not make some)
Don't worry, hon ( Hon should be capped - in place of a person's actual name).
NASA should be in all caps.

It's been three to one
last time, wasn't it?

Mixing past with present tense. Should be: It was three to one
Is the writer NESB, perhaps?
Rolls the dice, not dices. Dice is both singular and plural.

Light on humour. Potentially good characters that need developing. I liked the slack-arse workers playing boardgames etc. It just needs a bit more story.

Is Cindy obese because this adds to the sight gags e.g. a large woman in a tunnel?

Overall, as is it didn't quite work for me.
Oh, and the French Fry - yuk!







Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 17
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1211
Posts Per Day
0.34
Dice is the plural, not dices. Die is the singular.

This was just odd to me, almost uncomfortable. I didn’t like the banter between Carlos and Cindy. I think this was trying to be a very visual script, and I was able to pick up on a lot of what you were trying to do, however, as a story it fell short for me. The characters weren’t necessarily likable and the conversations between them were awkward and sexist.  

All the criteria were met, so good job on entering.

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 17
leitskev
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.72
Sometimes the problem is simply in the concept. And that's going to happen a lot in these challenges with comedy. Where the story lost me was when she wanted to work in wastewater for no discernable reason. I had a hard time wanting to follow anything after that.

I liked that the two male characters had such completely different reactions to her. But that's really not going to earn character points. One was a guy disgusted by a fat woman, the other was a Hispanic attracted to it.

I don't know, man. I don't know.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 17
khamanna
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4081
Posts Per Day
0.86
I liked the ending a lot. At first I couldn't understand what it was about. And because of that my attention would meander off and I had hard time concentrating on the story. It seemed being about nothing.
But the ending shows it's a romcom. And I really liked the vibe, the last line, good job I say.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 17
AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4008
Posts Per Day
1.23
There are a few errors in here, missed words and the like... not sure if its a rush thing or English not first language thing... anyway I'm sure a re-draft will fix these up.

In terms of story, there were some amusing elements and I really liked Cindy's odd mix of confidence and naivete, that did make me smile.

But ultimately I think the narrative got a little muddled and this lessened the comedy.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 17
Spqr
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Kinda disgusting, but fun. Good mix of characters. Cindy has a major eating problem. Bob is a lazy idiot. And Carlos has no taste in women. I have one nit-picky concern about the backgammon game: I don’t know anything about it and I imagine a lot of other people don’t either, so how are we to know it’s being played wrong? Like I said, nit-picky.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 17
jayrex
Posted: June 14th, 2019, 2:10am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1422
Posts Per Day
0.24
It started off well and then fizzled out.

There were moments of comedy.  The french fry was on the gross side.  Not sure I’d laugh at that sort of thing.

The backgammon idea seemed odd.  I wouldn’t think there’s enough light to play.  Can rely on light from above.

If you rework it to have the guys come along with Cindy.  You could develop it further.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 17
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006