Cindy Tucker, Sewage Queen by Anonymouse7 - On her first work day in the sewer system, legend of the streets, Cindy Tucker, has to prove herself when the mighty fatberg calls for her. - Short, Comed

I enjoyed the banter when she first turned up to meet Bob and Carlos.

I think there's comedy potential in the Fatberg idea, but I don't think it quite got there.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text the enthusiasm of her rosy cheeks, the confident smile, her sparkling eyes actually express - I am today's Cyndi Lauper.

I'm sorry but there is just no way to translate this to screen. It barely works in the script.

Quoted Text CINDY (V.O.) As I told you, women can be anything they want in this world.

When did she tell us?

Early on I'm thinking English may not be a first language.

Quoted Text CINDY Oh, well, thank you not.

I don't understand the "not".

The dialogue is not great by any means.

I'm getting a bit of a Tommy Wiseau vibe.

Quoted Text Cindy runs for her live.

Life.

Not my kind of humour at all.

This needs a lot of work all round. I'm not sure too much of it is actually salvageable. I don't imagine it would be one you'd hang onto or revisit after the tournament.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

Hello writer

This is too overwritten for my taste - I guess that's your style - It is really hindering my enjoyment and taking me out of the story, most of page 1 I had my "WTF?" face on.

Ok, I am not a fan of your writing at all - It's overwritten and I just can't follow it properly.

I'm not sure what the story it - what is the story? There were a few strands left dangling and nothing really tied together at all.

I applaud the effort but this is a swing and a miss for me - With more time you could really focus this, but I don't think it works as is.

The image of her floating under the manhole cover still blowing the whistle made me laugh though.

So, I get it. This is one that if you don't visualize a mental picture, it's totally lost. Though there wasn't much to lose. Croc? Really? And then to misspell them as crocks later on.

The whistle and camera just appeared. Not sure where they came from and for what purpose. Did you need to condense this to meet the five page limit?

You developed the characters, so good on you for that. The story, ever so ridiculous, is okay because it's comedy and supposed to be ridiculous. Yeah, it was out there.

The dialog had some potential but missed the mark for me. Some decent banter but nonsensical, which again is almost acceptable for the genre.

Overall, good attempt and valiant effort.

I like the characterization of Cindy. Bold. Confident. Worked for me.

Not a fan of the VO. And, I don't understand the need for the line "As I told you..."

Story worked fine, I thought. Cindy hears of job. Gets job. Does job. Messes up on job. It's  5 pager... can't do too much more.

Yes, this is very much a visual humor script. So, you've got to read it that way.

All in all, a good effort. Not the best of the bunch, but stronger than many.

Opening Slug - SHOPPING STREET - HUH?  WTF is that supposed to mean?

2nd passage is a mess and so overwritten and irritating.  I'm very worried on what's going to follow...

Why is there a VO here?  Oh man...

"make some pictures" - Huh?

Love the CUT TO: - Thanks for that.

No clue what this is supposed to be about. Not for me at all.

Story - None

Characters - so over the top and irritating

Dialogue - so over the top, racist, sexist, and irritating

Prose - Really?

Criteria - Well, I see attempts at comedy, we're in a sewer, and yeah, she blows a whistle, but I hate giving out 5 points for this very weak attempt.

I liked your female lead. How she speaks with the “not.”  Some women add words like that to the end of their sentence. Kind of like some girls say...”as if”  I’m not a structure guru. But maybe put in    
        Character
Yada yada yada
         (Then)
       Not!
I think that would help illustrate her speech pattern.  

Most women of her mindset wouldn’t ever do that job. Reminded me of the character in Legally Blonde just a few more pounds .

Liked the Fatberg. I think there is plenty of extra meat, left over on the comedy bone ,to do some more stuff with the Fatberg.

You’ll get there ,just keep riding the Fatberg wave.

And,when I heard, they search for more
female workers in the wastewater
Awkward sentence. Try something like: When I heard jobs were opening up for gals in waste management...

BOB
I never said this before but can we just go (get) down there
- Made me chuckle.

take some pictures of it (not make some)
Don't worry, hon ( Hon should be capped - in place of a person's actual name).
NASA should be in all caps.

It's been three to one
last time, wasn't it?
Mixing past with present tense. Should be: It was three to one
Is the writer NESB, perhaps?
Rolls the dice, not dices. Dice is both singular and plural.

Light on humour. Potentially good characters that need developing. I liked the slack-arse workers playing boardgames etc. It just needs a bit more story.

Is Cindy obese because this adds to the sight gags e.g. a large woman in a tunnel?

Overall, as is it didn't quite work for me.
Oh, and the French Fry - yuk!

Dice is the plural, not dices. Die is the singular.

This was just odd to me, almost uncomfortable. I didn’t like the banter between Carlos and Cindy. I think this was trying to be a very visual script, and I was able to pick up on a lot of what you were trying to do, however, as a story it fell short for me. The characters weren’t necessarily likable and the conversations between them were awkward and sexist.  

All the criteria were met, so good job on entering.

Gary

Sometimes the problem is simply in the concept. And that's going to happen a lot in these challenges with comedy. Where the story lost me was when she wanted to work in wastewater for no discernable reason. I had a hard time wanting to follow anything after that.

I liked that the two male characters had such completely different reactions to her. But that's really not going to earn character points. One was a guy disgusted by a fat woman, the other was a Hispanic attracted to it.

I don't know, man. I don't know.

I liked the ending a lot. At first I couldn't understand what it was about. And because of that my attention would meander off and I had hard time concentrating on the story. It seemed being about nothing.
But the ending shows it's a romcom. And I really liked the vibe, the last line, good job I say.

There are a few errors in here, missed words and the like... not sure if its a rush thing or English not first language thing... anyway I'm sure a re-draft will fix these up.

In terms of story, there were some amusing elements and I really liked Cindy's odd mix of confidence and naivete, that did make me smile.

But ultimately I think the narrative got a little muddled and this lessened the comedy.

Kinda disgusting, but fun. Good mix of characters. Cindy has a major eating problem. Bob is a lazy idiot. And Carlos has no taste in women. I have one nit-picky concern about the backgammon game: I don’t know anything about it and I imagine a lot of other people don’t either, so how are we to know it’s being played wrong? Like I said, nit-picky.

It started off well and then fizzled out.

There were moments of comedy.  The french fry was on the gross side.  Not sure I’d laugh at that sort of thing.

The backgammon idea seemed odd.  I wouldn’t think there’s enough light to play.  Can rely on light from above.

If you rework it to have the guys come along with Cindy.  You could develop it further.