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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  A Child's Closet
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  Author    A Child's Closet  (currently 107 views)
Don
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Child's Closet by Christine Locker and Lee Ann Riddle - Short, Horror - A child's greatest fear is what hides in the closet. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Fais85
Posted: August 14th, 2019, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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SPOILER

I have read few similar scripts here on SS where the protagonist is in the hospital fighting for life and death and the story takes place in his/her imagination.

This one was no different. But I guess, the twist works somehow. The only thing I will suggest is, making it creepier in the beginning. Right now it just goes flat.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 14th, 2019, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Christine and Lee Ann (or is just Lee, lol)

Everything is a process. I happen to like the choppy, almost bullet like style. It read smoothly, imo. While reading a few things did cross my mind, and that was adding flare to already crisp writing to break up some of the montony of any descriptive narrative. Of the bat, I would suggest capitlizing sounds that will be heard on screen.

As I said for another script/writer, the advantage is that it will draw attention of readers just as it would for audiences listening, for example...


Quoted Text
Door hinges squeak.


could be...


Quoted Text
Door hinges SQUEAK.


and...


Quoted Text
The closet door swings open and slams into the wall.


Quoted Text
The closet door swings open and SLAMS into the wall.


Of course these are all personal suggestions because I like the description as is, but the intended effect is what I'm trying to emphizies if that makes sense, lol.

I liked that you had a reversal at the end. How creative one could argue about like the prevoius reviewer. But at least you had something. And two somethings because it turned out to be his grandmother.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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