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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Gay Bear Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gay Bear by Raz Willis - Comedy, Satire - Three high school pals on a camping trip are traumatized by a black bear invasion. When a local news station desperate for newsworthy content discovers the video of the bear chomping one of the boys between the legs, rumors spread that the animal was curious. 115 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 20th, 2023, 4:22pm
revised draft
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Sam
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Naz, I took a look at the first 15 because the title caught my eye. Not sure I'm a fan of the title but hey.
Your formatting looks spot on. It's easy and clear to read.
I would suggest you edit the opening scene. It's like 4 pages of talking. You also kick off with some heavy exposition. I'm sure there's a better version of that scene if you cut it down.

You have some long scenes of people talking which usually I wouldn't like but it gave the three guys real chemistry. They talk how friends should talk. They discuss the past and talk about who they like. I enjoyed it.

You also have them out camping in just a few pages which is good.

Just by reading the log line I would expect to not like the story. Using homosexuality as a punch line isn't funny or interesting but you have this down as satire so maybe it's commentary on that.

If I have time I'll try and give some more a read. I liked it so far and I hope the satire is there and it isn't just a film about people calling each other gay and being insulted.

Sam


Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/

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Don
Posted: November 27th, 2023, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Broken link fixed.
- Don


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