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What's Left. by Alan-Michael Howells - Short, Drama - In a post-apocalyptic U.S., a teen named Jack ventures from Oregon across the states to New York, in hopes of uniting with his long lost girlfriend. 5 pagesd - pdf format
Pretty good, IMO. - Although several format errors.typos. e.g.,
BOOK READER (V.O.) Chapter 72: The Monkey-Rope.
BOOK READER (cont'd) In the tumultuous business of cutting-in and attending to a whale, there is much running backwards and forwards among the crew... He stirs his beans. Dipping his tongue into the ladle, he spits. He head quickly snaps right...something's got his eye.
No need for back to back BOOK READER - just make it one dialogue block.
MAN and a scrawny apprentice. They meet eye sight. The two men stop.
Scrawny Apprentice should be in CAPS
BULKY MAN Well look what we got here Jim. You mind if we join ya'?
Need a comma after here.
JIM Sure does smell good mister'.
Need a comma after good.
Just nitty stuff - thought it had a pretty good vibe to it.
This is a good story, I enjoyed it and (SPOILERS!!!).....
the twist. I can see how it is the beginning of something big, and you've created a great hook, but it works well as short. I forgot it was apocalyptic, so the ending for me was more powerful. I wonder if you took out the apocalyptic part in the logline the twist would work better for the audience.
Because of my ignorance, I was asking questions such as why is this guy by a fire in the woods, why is this guy so quick to be offended, why does he have a gun in his pocket, why did he just shoot them all? Then with that great twist you answered all my questions, which is brilliant.
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....