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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Warden
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  Author    The Warden  (currently 377 views)
Don
Posted: February 18th, 2020, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Warden by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - A man all alone in an abandoned prison. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Yuvraj
Posted: February 19th, 2020, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Enflammer votre imagination.

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One of my friend gave me this logline. Hope you guys like it.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD
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Max Ruddock
Posted: February 19th, 2020, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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The log line does nothing for me to be honest. All it tells me is that there’s a bloke in a prison.

I think you’ll need a little more than that to pull people in.
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bert
Posted: February 19th, 2020, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Problems with the first line.  You tell us he is a retired police warden, but to the viewer, it is just a guy.

Maybe fix that by dressing him in some sort of uniform.  Clarify his identity at the outset.  The story plays out better that way.

Not much meat on the bones here, and it goes where we suspect it is going.

Fine for what it is, but maybe give Naveen more to do than plead.  If he were unrepentant, for example, his fate would carry more resonance.  Since you're playing with flashbacks, maybe a quick flashback revealing how he even wound up where he is could add an additional layer to this story.

You've got the space in this quick story to add something quick and unconventional to the proceedings.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Yuvraj
Posted: April 18th, 2020, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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Thank you guys for your inputs.

All I wanted this to be a quick and a simple read.

Anyway thanks once again.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD
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