Forget-Me-Not by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as Who - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A father reassesses what's important in life after an accident takes him to a place long forgotten.

Writing Challenge theme of "Money is the Root of All Evil" using: Fantasy, Unicycle, Budget Analyst, Basement. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was well written and very entertaining. A big idea for only 5 pages. Totally wanted more of the fantasy part and to find out how Richard knew this place. Maybe expand it!!

Only one bit pick...it's spitting image, not splitting image.

Great job. Really enjoyed it!

Great familial strained relationships established from the get-go. Natural easy on the ear dialogue

I loved it when Richard started laughing, pedalling around - back to childhood - nicely done.

Few quibbles:

with early grey hairs prematurely grey, perhaps?

computer’s monitor. computer monitor
unicycle lying limp It's an inert object so I'd personally omit the limp adverb. Jmh.

That'd be a pedal, not peddle. Just saying... He's not spruiking something. Actually you spelled it correctly once at the top.

flutters about his head flutters above or around maybe?

I think this line:
Danny! Hey, Danny! Let’s have a go at this together.
- would work better if Danny asks at the top: can I have a go on this? Being picky.

Wonderfully whimsical, thoroughly enjoyable escapism.
I would have been freaking out to get this combo.

Hey writer,

This was a very cute idea. Not daringly ambitious but very sweet and endearing.

This is another one for me though that really skirts the boundaries of the theme. I guess you can make an argument that having to be a slave to your job is being a slave to money. On the other hand, this is what providers do. I guess the casualty in this is both the relationship with his son, and his innocence. But if I read this without knowing the theme there's no way I'd track back to it.

So, absent the parameters, the idea of Forget-Me-Not is a good one.

Nice job -

AJR

Was sure this was going to have some Twilight Zone vibe to it, twist ending perhaps. Good overall. I tend to shy away from using "cut to black" and then "fade in" again within the story, but some can get away with it.

I really liked this - Good job, writer! After the first page or so, I was on the verge of really not liking it but you were able to turn it around with your fantasy land. Thank you for not just pulling the unicycle out the box as a throw away prop too.

All the boxes ticked. The theme could use a bit more emphasis but met the mark.

Thanks for entering.

Well-crafted fantasy. You made the father very hateable in such a short period of time! The other characters were also well drawn. Good job.

Liked this a lot, though a little light on the theme.

My only real issue in terms of the challenge is that the fantasy isn't introduced till near the end... which quite frankly isn't fair cos I WANTED MORE

My one nitpick is that the Troll being called Gargamol threw me as it's so close to the name of the evil wizard in the Smurfs.

Really liked this.

Well, hits on all the criteria pretty well and a very nice story.
Well written too.
Very good job here.
Probably my favorite so far and I read and loved many.
Great job, writer.

Fantasy, unicycle, budget analyst, basement

Bloody hell, that seemed like a tough bunch

But it all comes together seamlessly - well done.

The father was believable if a little cliched. The rest kind of played out as we would expect, Ie the father realising his error, reconnecting with the kid etc

The quick trip to LSD land suited the story.

To make this fly a bit more I feel it’s needs something unexpected. Not saying that the visit was expected at the beginning, but that the outcome and result could be different.

For the time a nice effort

Look, i love the childhood whimsy going on here but I do have a gripe with the guy being a budget analyst. That variable was just shoehorned in I feel. Richard could've been any occupation -a porn star or truck driver or postman - so his being a budget analyst had no real bearing on the story IMO. Had no issues with the writing or formatting but I'm marking you down for the occupation variable. Sorry

Excellent writing. The character intros, dialogue and action were spot on.

Difficult elements checked nicely. The topic is a little flimsy as the guy has to work not because he loves money, but he has to provide for his family. However, I'll let it slide as I can see what you were heading for.

The fantasy in this comes too late and is over in the blink of an eye. I wanted more, which is good, but I didn't get it, which is bad. I'd encourage you to expand this more outside the confines of the challenge as there's a great fantasy story here.

-Mark

Hi, shades of 'Hook' with a busy father returning to a fantasy land and finally reconnecting with his children. A familiar tale but well condensed and rolled out in five pages. Easily imagined settings and good dialogue.
Well done.

I enjoyed this but it did have a Hook feel to it, which took away some originality points for me.

I was left wanting more so I guess that's a good thing.

Well done.