Killing My Sister by I Know My Mouse - Crime: Prescription Pills, Hypnotherapist, Log Cabin

Powerful and emotional story here. All the criteria is in there, some seems thrown in but who cares really, by week 5 things are going to be desperately thrown in lol!

What I think would make this much better would be a lot less dialogue. [SPOILERS NEXT - IF YOU ARE READING THE COMMENTS BEFORE READING THE SCRIPT - NAUGHTY BOY/GIRL!]

You gave several opening blocks of VO, when it could all be summed up with one -

                                                              BRIAN (V.O.)
                                                Killing my sister was the hardest
                                                 I've ever done.

Combined with the action, that's a great hook even if I say so myself.

And here's another  suggestion. Try the scenes without VO and see if they work without it. For example:

INT. TREATMENT ROOM - DAY

Susan lies on a bed with an infusion running, a silk scarf tied around her head.
Brian enters with flowers. As he approaches her he whips off his cap to reveal a freshly shaven bald head. Susan bursts out laughing as she whips off her scarf to reveal her own hair loss.


This tells you everything you need to know without a word of VO.

If you cut back like this, you can squeeze more scenes in, more character development and more depth to the story.

Anyway, it's just a suggestion.

Congratulations on making it to round 2!

-Mark

A bit too heavy-handed handed for me. I think it might have worked better for me if the two main characters were husband and wife. That would still fit the theme.

I found the ending a bit melodramatic.

All the elements were there. Theme was there too.
Lovely opening atmosphere and descriptions with brevity to boot.

I liked the idea behind this but think it would have a bigger impact if it wasn't so overwritten. And there are several writing issues that slow your story down in places. Example..."CUT TO". No. Using direction takes us out of your story and momentarily puts us in the director's chair or editing room. We see by your new slug that we're heading into another scene...so it's pointless.

Also...too many wrylies...and some were repetitive and none were needed. Them shouting over the music could have been addressed by adding to the action line above: They shout to hear eachother over the music. And you did a good job showing us Susan wasn't well so (breathless) is totally unnecessary.

Some writing was a bit awkward which also slows things down a bit. Example of smoother writing:

FROM: Susan suddenly stops dancing and wobbles on her feet. She falls forward and Brian jumps forward to catch her.
(We know she's dancing so no need to tell us again. We know she's not wobbling on her head.  Too many forwards in one sentence)
TO: Suddenly Susan stops, wobbles. She falls forward. Brian reaches to catch her.

FROM: Lowering Susan to the floor, a worried Brian looks around for help while people rush to their aid.
(We can assume he's worried. He's looking around for help while people rush to help?)
TO: Brian lowers Susan to the floor. People rush to their aid.

Lots of "ings" throughout...example: music is blaring/music blares.

If you're going to use Brian's last name, you should intro him as BRIAN FERGUSON.

This story is very dialog heavy and could use a serious trim. Example: DOCTOR-I have a couple of questions.  (NOT NEEDED...to ask as we walk)

You need a new slug for Susan's hospital room.

Okay...hope these notes are appreciated and you're not offended. You have a good story here, it's just kind of buried. Your ending would have a much bigger impact if your story was leaner.

You had some good stuff here. My fave was the transition from bird song to sirens on pg. 1. Good atmospheric writing there.

This story has lots of potential. Hope you continue to work on it. Best of luck.

Surprise!  I'm still here.

Hey, story-wise, you managed to make this quite powerful.  Writing-wise, it's absolutely terrible, though.

Slugs are some of the worst I've ever seen.  I think every single Slug has at least 1 mistake in it.

Passive writing everywhere, which reads poorly.

Overwriting everywhere.  Extra words that are either repetitive or just not necessary clutter so many lines up, causing orphans you don't want or need.

Flashbacks - All incorrectly formatted, and not even consistent.

ATTACK OF THE WRYLIES!!!!

ATTACK OF THE V.O'S!!!!

Why something works or doesn't work is always a mystery.  This does work on many levels, even though so much of this doesn't work at all.  For me, much of the parameters are shoehorned in.  The theme of "crime", for me, doesn't work here.  Yeah, sure there's a crime, but as written, it doesn't come across as a crime at all, which also affects the theme of blood being thicker than water - in a way.  The opening V.O telling about blood being thicker than water is just too much.

But, here's the good news - as these things go and get tougher and tougher, peeps will overlook all the mistakes and crappy writing and hopefully see that you put together something that just may stay with them for awhile.

I guess that's what counts.

Bennet wouldn't kill Brian for that. I think you have to eaither get rid of that bit later or add a few more pages to set up Brian better.

But it's very much on the theme in my opinion.

The VO's are hard and here it's a bit overwritten. But a good story and good idea. As to execution - the VO has to be rewritten throughout in my opinion. You better avoid exposition.

But you can rewrite this and make it great cos the story is there. And it touched me so that's very good news.

Not a fan of narration that blurts out the theme, but still reading. Okay, it blurted out the ending too. Now I'm wondering why.

The writing is suitably emotional. Wish I could do that.

You can turn off that automatic (CONT'D) in Final Draft.

CUT TO: is the default whenever there's a new scene. Best to skip it, especially when under a page limit.

Though Alan is labeled a hypnotherapist in action, from what we see and hear he could be a guru or faith healer or quack. If it was germane to the story (as opposed to a requirement), I'd bring in something stereotypical like a pocket watch or other focal object to make the hypnosis obvious.

Looks like there were a couple lines to spare even with the space wasted on CUT TO:, but maybe a few more lines would have given you some breathing room.

Managed to get a little twist there at the end, but we knew from the middle of page 1 that poor Susan was going to die and it took four pages to happen. Even cutting it a lot (and likely ruining the emotion) would still be three pages of waiting for the euthanasia... I'd suggest not giving away that she dies until much later in his narration (which also means a different title).

The variables were all present, but the location never really impacted the story. Pretty brutal set of variables IMHO, weaving in three of the four is an accomplishment. The theme is there but could be stronger (especially with some lines freed up by skipping CUT TOs) by showing that he has some competing responsibility, like a friend depending on him to do something.

This was more like a family drama than a crime story, but the character did commit a crime, however. Title made me think it was going to be a bit more about betrayal, family secrets, etc. But well done. Story came together at the end.

Pretty is a bit lazy for a description, in CAPS is wrong too.

To be in the Crime genre a story needs more than just a crime in it, this is a drama, decent enough but it's not crime.

The rest of it, well all felt a little telegraphed and heavy due to the VO, kinda knew where this would go from the point iin the VO where you have "Killing her...

I found the story and characters realistic. The opening was too on the nose,  but I can see where this might have been the best way to get into a difficult story. A story told entirely in flashbacks is usually a bad idea, but, again, this was probably the most efficient way to get all the important scenes in, without bothering with the connecting scenes you need in a more straightforward construction. I assume that the character element is supposed to be a major part of the story, but in this one, Alan, the hypnotherapist, was only in there for part of a scene, so this has to count against the script.

Crime: Prescription Pills, Hypnotherapist, Log Cabin


Lots to like in this. The opening I liked.

The concept of a sister dying and what a brother will do is sound.

Killing her and the consequences is also a strong

The end with the police I struggled with - I feel that with time an dpmore pages you would have flexibility

Good effort

Let me start by saying that by the way this story is written, it feels personal. So, to the writer, I sincerely hope that none of this ever happened to you, and if it did, you have my sympathies. What you describe here is unimaginable pain.

Moving on to the script - wow, a lot to unpack here.

I'm not a fan of repeating the theme in the script, and this one is done on the first page, in voice over. And then goes on to explain what the theme means. . And I'm wondering if a mercy killing is a crime. Yes it's a crime in real life, but thematically?

This actually feels overwritten at 5 pages. Could have been much less.

The entire scene with the doctor is not necessary, because in the next V.O. you tell us that Susan has lymphoma.

Since the criteria is hypnotherapist, the way I would have attacked this is - Brian's V.O. on top of the therapy sessions. Holistic healing... positive thinking... will it work? She seems to be getting better and then... it fails. She gets a bad test or something.  As you have it, we get a few lines of dialogue from the therapist, and then we are told it didn't work.

Very sad ending - he had the courage to kill his sister, out of love, of course, but not the courage to kill himself. I have to ponder on that for a while.

Good and extremely sad material, I think given more time you could have improved the execution.

AJR

You went right for the old heart strings with that one. Not what I was expecting from the title.

Very OTN mention of the theme and the hypnotherapist was but a mere mention. Crime as a genre? I guess so but so very heavy drama here.

The V.O. was just too much for me. Imagine yourself watching this if it was filmed. Shame, too, that he commits police assisted suicide. Now the cop needs to live with it.

I'll just repeat what everyone else has already said: the story here is very strong. And, it nearly gets lost in the writing.

The good news is: story, in my book, is the most crucial element, and the most difficult. So, take what everyone here has said and clean up the writing. You'll have a great short. Leave no line untouched!

Good luck... and don't forget to share the rewrite with us!

That first scene feels a bit unnecessary and expositional.

The writing is quite passive.

All those "shouting" wrylies are quite unnecessary. We already know the music is blaring, just put an exclamation mark at the end of the dialogue and it makes a cleaner read and also frees up a fair few lines.

I have no real issue with the CUT TO's but they add nothing here and again really just take up space. If they weren't there we would still know one scene cuts to the next.

The voice overs really just serve as exposition.

Sorry this one wasn't for me.