First Generation by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Charles Babbage - Short, Sci Fi - When a female android takes her pedroid dog in for repairs, an accident turns her world upside down and reveals her entire existence has been a lie.

Writing Challenge there: "Blood is Thicker than Water" using Sci Fi: Ankle Monitor, Veterinarian, Repair Shop - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

You painted that world really well. And the atmosphere is there too.
And it's a really good use of the object and all the other criteria. Sci-fi indeed. It reminds me Altered Carbon - very made up but clearly established world.

the only thing - I did not completely understand the ending. Was it a flashback or they managed to do something about it? I can't tell. I read it twice and it escapes me. I'll be waiting for your explanation when this thing is over.

Vet, repair shop, ankle monitor, sci FI


In some ways I’m not quite sure how to rate this one.

Imaginative, nice use for the ankle monitor and definitely sci fi.

I’ve read a few sci fi scripts before where the world is altered by drugs, gadgets etc but I did like the choice they make of living it real.

The blood is thicker theme is not it’s strong point, but I guess most will have a weak spot.

Fair effort

Hi,

While I can visualise the story very well, I can't understand what it is I'm supposed to be reading. Are they human in a mechanical world or a new breed of robot.
Not a lot dialogue to expand or explain what's going on but as a dystopian vision of the future it works well.

Well done.

Inventive use of the criteria, well done.

If I get the story right we are in a future where real humans are unusual/rare and these two meet by accident. Not sure why the anklets react like that but hey... and the robot Drs who fix them advise them not to be together as it could lead to more emotional pain, I think, and they disagree and have a son instead.

Liked all that, not sure about his vision drifting in and out like that, didn't really see the need for it, but again no biggie.

I am a sucker for endings like this, optimism is always good in my book.

Good effort.

This is a top runner for me. I liked this a lot. I still have a few gripes and questions but the overall concept and arc is great. I bet the five page limit really challenged your creativity as one or two more pages would've done this wonders.

The jumping back and forth between scenes (?) of what they were seeing/experiencing during the trauma just needs clarity to explain 'why' it was occurring. 72 hours, right? Definitely worth revisiting after the dust settles.

All the boxes were ticked re: requirements. The theme addressed through the literal sense of blood thicker than water, or because they were human and they hooked up and got busy with a child?

Nicely done, I enjoyed it. I think I know who wrote this...

Fun concept. I, too, look forward to reading the writer's full explanation. I think I've got it, but, I wanna hear it from them.

Good stuff. Well written. Only thing might be to smooth out the scenes where he's blacking out. Might be a way to tell it just a bit more cleanly. Or, maybe not. Just worth exploring.

Yeah I read this a couple of times and think I got it(maybe): so the peeps are in this exotic existence which is all a facade? Or maybe their human memories have been hidden inside their robotic selves so when the glitch happens, they can’t be fixed?  The last scene is how they are in reality but it’s still in a grim future Earth.   That’s my take lol.

Good job here as the variables are used well though the last minute use of the vets was convenient lol.  In my top 2

Wow! You managed to put that combo together in a fantastic fashion.
I was a little confused at times, but who cares!

Terrific stuff. You should get a medal. The only reason you won't is cause this comp doesn't give out medals and also cause I think the theme was light on the ground. I think you tried with a literal rendition of them both being flesh and blood so their bond is forged and they make a choice to be together and live in the real world but I really wouldn't get the theme just by watching this as a film... if you know what I mean. I don't know... I'm fence sitting.

Regardless, a mighty fine piece of work.

Evie and Peter’s world comes crashing down when their ankles collide. The ankle monitors control their perception of the world around them. Since they’re first-generation androids, repairs can’t be made to their equipment to allow them to go back to the idyllic world they believed they lived in. As good of a story as it is, I think it comes up short in meeting the requirement of the theme (and not because they have clear liquid rather than blood), since neither Evie or Peter does anything for the other except bump ankles.

Quoted from Spqr ...since neither Evie or Peter does anything for the other except bump ankles.

Ah, not true. Eventually they bump uglies and have a kid!

Some great world building in this one. The script feels similar to a world I've visited before so I'm almost certain who the writer is.

This could definitely use a little more space to breathe.

Good writing on display, and an enjoyable story.

Super cool world you set up there. The opening scene with the baby was awesome.  The rest was just okay for me. Excellent writing but I was confused at parts. Some bits felt rushed, like when their ankle monitors vibrate...would have liked a bit more there.

Nice work though. I usually don't like sci fi, but this was very entertaining. 😊😊

Strong entry. Very inventive story. Good use of the criteria. I think on the surface the theme is not there... however I think it's metaphorical. They literally choose blood over water. I think that's a cool way to approach this.

I'm not quite sure I know what's going on here at every moment, but I'm not sure I have to. I think that having some vagaries is part of the charm of the piece. And it would play out nicely on a screen.

Well done.

AJR

I knew this felt a bit Cyborn-ish. Felt like a similar world.

Great script, Mark