Finding the Brother by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) writing as Phileas Shoehorn - Short, Mystery - A private investigator is hired by an old friend to find his long-lost twin brother… who may or may not exist.

Nature vs Nurture: Cigar, Public Relations Specialist, Casino - pdf format

Hmm, interesting this one.  Has a noir feel but almost reads like a documentary. I think i knew the gist of it by the end. Competently written, the writer definitely knew what they wanted. And there wasn't a rushed sense with it too.

Good effort.

A lot going on here with flashbacks, forwards and different scenes. I think you can make this easier to read by keeping it simpler.

Well written and I got it all in the end. A basic story with a nice conclusion but nothing resolved with the bad twin.  

Nice effort.

-Mark

I liked this noir little mystery. The VO didn't bother me at all since that was the tone the writer was going for. Definitely hits on all the requirements and a good representation of Nature vs. Nurture. Decent writing on display here.

I had to re-read a couple times to keep my timeframe correct. Not sure if 'Back to Scene' is proper to end the flashback? Could be, I'm just not sure.

Good work, writer. Enjoyed it.

Oh, my how beautiful this story is.

I read it twice, but I watched Memento twice too to understand it better. It's always like that with these Detective stories.

Jack's last sentiment is beautiful. He already had a brother.
This might be the best for me in the challenge but let's see.

Clean writing for 3 day's btw.

Yeah, really beautiful.

Nice, well written and I enjoyed it, nothing much to add.

Good job!

This is a very nice story. No missing the theme here Not much to add except to ask: Delegates to what? A political convention? Reading on, it appears that they're staff for an event.

Edit: Was that an intentional hint that "tax day" April 15 is associated with a huge decrease in wealth?

Nice tone, could hear Bogie reading it.

I hope I don't sound like a killjoy but some of the finer details in this bugged me.

Obviously Jack decides Felix is scum and a potentially damaging influence in Midnight's life after all he's already been through (I really baulked at that character name btw) - it's just Felix is not portrayed as quite sinister enough imh. He's a bit of a low-life. The young woman was not underage and Felix writes sleazy tabloid stuff. Your character tells us he abuses the vulnerable. I think making Felix more evil would have sold me more on this part of the story.

And then:

MIDNIGHT
Please, for me, find my twin.

Midnight wanted to find and reunite with his brother desperately but Jack makes the executive decision he won't allow it. He's a better 'brother' than Felix will ever be.

I know you only had five pages but I'd be pretty pissed off if I was Midnight.

I do like it, don't get me wrong but Hollywood does this thing often in stories and it makes me groan. Okay with a child but these characters are adults.

Of course five pages meant you had to keep the narrative short and sweet. Midnight deciding on his own just would have felt better to me. He would've been making the choice that Jack was more of a brother than his true blood brother would ever be off his own bat.

I like the born either side of midnight bit.
I love the vibe.
You nailed the genre in five pages better than I've seen it done so far.

Apologies for the essay.
Well done.

Interesting one. Liked the locations as I've dealt with some of it. Thought Midnight an odd name for a male character but I see how it is for the story. Ending was a bit touchy-feely, and I wasn't quite sure what was going on with Felix. Kind of noirish, weaving tale. Enjoyed that part.

I liked this story a lot. Good characters and execution of the theme.

Hi,

Absolutely no complaints from me, Vegas Noir. What's not to love?

Well done.

I think it's always better to lay a super over a visual, set the scene, even if its just minimally and then go the super.

The writing is solid. The story is okay, albeit a little confusing at times.

Not a bad effort.

So this one was curious for me, because I liked the sentiment, and it's ALL theme - we're shown it, we're told it... I think it stops short of sledge-hammering us with it, though. And I do like the sappy ending.

Like Libby though I had issue with the details. One, you use the word infamous at least twice, once to describe Vegas. Infamous means someone or something has become famous for a bad reason. I've never been to Vegas, so I guess that's in the eye of the beholder... (0:

In order to satisfy the criteria, you made a public relations specialist famous. Or infamous, as it may be. I can't think of one well-known publicist, other than the President's press secretary du jour. Now THAT would have been a twist.

Also, the behavior and dialogue is all wrong. PR persons don't admit their clients are bad people. It's well known that their clients are bad people, and they are there to spin, spin, spin. Deny, deny, deny. Admitting it and saying that they are entitled to a voice is more sleazy lawyer-y than PR work.

A couple of lines from Midnight were weird too - "he lives" rather than "he's alive." And "I needed you then. I need you now" was a little daytime drama-ish.

I also don't think he needs a private detective. Jack basically goes to the hospital, requests the register of births, and finds the brother. Something Midnight could have certainly done on his own. And while I do get why Midnight is called Midnight... I find it a stretch to think that Jack would travel all that way and not have flipped a page to April 14, 11:59 pm, without the realization based on the clue. Fun play on words though.

In the end I think it's preachy, but sweet, and free from the parameters of the challenge all these little things could be cleaned up.

AJR