Endangered Species by Juneau Takagus - Necktie, Judge, Pet Shop - Short, Fantasy

I was going to complain about a Pet Store existing in BC... then I clocked the genre, as you were.

Quite a number of typos, nothing that another pass won't fix, though 'serval coins' did accidentally make me laugh

Okay, so this is occasionally funny, but you definitely need to alter 635 B.C. it doesn't work even in a comedy/fantasy - just set it in medieval times.

Necktie - you know what I'm going to say!

I liked the twist too.

Fun read

'Sparks fly of steel' off, of course.

Intersected in money? I don't get the phrase.

First described as a dragon and then he releases a griffin. If meant to be the same, they're two totally different creatures.

'...bits off his ring finger.' Bites, of course.

"...nearly escaped with my life!" Barely escaped with his life, perhaps? Or is he a ghost?

'Judge Phibin nods.' Phirn or new character?

It craws on Rayden, claws scratching, drawing blood. Crawls on Rayden?

I don't usually pick like this but it became quite distracting and took me out of the read. Also don't see Rayden as a villain either unless the Judge was supposed to be the protagonist. Necktie was just thrown in too.

Very interesting world building. Good luck, writer.

A nice world you created there. Very inventive.
The story is easy to understand and flows well.

The dialog was trippy at the beginning. And here and there it's not perfect, you should work on it some.

My gripe is - you introduced Rayden late into the story. But I think if it's only 5 pages you should start with your protagonist (villain in this case)

I didn't have a problem for pinning Rayden as your protag and the villain. This is on the theme I think.

Very cool world you set up. Nice descriptions, could really see it. The story was interesting. Good idea with the dragon.

Not much else to say except I enjoyed it. Nice work writer!

Typos scattered throughout the script, which takes away from the read. Syntaxes are a bit awkward too. Didn't really enjoyed the story. It was OK for me.

Regardless, good luck.

Quoted from JEStaats Also don't see Rayden as a villain either unless the Judge was supposed to be the protagonist.

Okay, so with all the villain discussion going on, I re-read this and I can see Rayden as a villain. It's like Spock said "A sane man in an insane world appears insane." In this case, a good deed performed in an evil kingdom appears villainous. It's a stretch but it does make sense.

Inventive script!  Good to see a fantasy that’s not an animation or visions. Has a real GOT feel. The necktie reeks of shoehorn but I loved the ‘pet store’ full of dragons and other critters lol.

Got a bit convoluted near the end but, hey, it’s Round 4 and we’re all frazzled. Luckily I already have the final round script done lol!

Hi,

What a quirky story. Good visuals and some errors that confused me, did you originally write about a griffen then changed it to dragon?
Dialogue was a bit stilted at times but I enjoyed this.

Well done.

Needs a tidy but fantasy is tricky to pull off in such a short spell (pun intended) and you managed it well. All elements included and an enjoyable story. Well done!

With stores and knights and castles, this reads more like the 1200s or 1300s than the BC era. Even then, neckties weren't invented until the 1600s (and whoever invented them is a villain who should be hanged with one).

Griffins and dragons are different beasts. Both fly, but that's about where the similarities end. That was probably an editing mistake to go along with the typos. Probably an artifact of rushing rather than carelessness.

I'm torn about the villain angle here. Either the judge is the main character and he's protecting the kingdom in his own ruthless way, or Rayden is a late-appearing main character who got caught up in some particularly harsh local environmental regulations. Of the two, the judge clearly has a villainier vibe, but it's hard to make a story about a judge when we only see them at work. Their job is to interpret laws that are not of their own making, so to make an on-the-job judge villainous he/she needs to be corrupt or a legislate-from-the-bench partisan (in which case you need to make clear to audiences of any political persuasion that the judge is on the "wrong" side).

Very ambitious script, would like to see some more of this world.

You know.
Take a guess.


The Judge is the villain, and the protagonist. He's introduced on page one. One of his first acts is to have someone killed, and leaving the body outside of the kingdom's walls to rot in the sun and become bird food. I'm not sure why most everyone thought Rayden was the villain, although a few interpretations by some were made.

I wrote the ending last, and wanted to tie it in with the opening, so I changed griffin to dragon...and forgot one. I actually though it was part of an earlier draft, but it wasn't. It was an oversight on my part. I was also surprised at one of my spelling errors, and have since made both corrections.

Quoted Text With stores and knights and castles, this reads more like the 1200s or 1300s than the BC era. Even then, neckties weren't invented until the 1600s

and that error too.
I had to fit in (ha ha) the necktie in somehow. Shoehorned in, I made a magic snake out of it. Still didn't work.

There is a rewrite I did the other day, which adds two pages. The changes aren't many storywise, except it's revealed that Rayden's boasts were the truth, as despite his wounds, he's able to kill the young dragon attacking him. But as he exits the cave he's again confronted with the Judge and Queen Madgan. The truth is, they didn't turn the King into a frog, but the dragon that Rayden killed before coming to Orland. The baby dragon he killed was the king's cursed son., He's imformed that they fed the King's first wife to him and his son. They are still looking for the escaped Princess.

Madgan then curses Rayden.
He becomes the new dragon under their control.
>

It's up at Script Revolution. (as is Double Whammy)
I'll resub here when the time is right.

Thanks to all who read and reviewed.

-DjS

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley You know. Take a guess.

I knew.

I like my interpretation that I stated earlier for Rayden. No good deeds in that Kingdom! I'll give it another read over on SR.