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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  They Speak to Me at Midnight
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  Author    They Speak to Me at Midnight  (currently 176 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2021, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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They Speak to Me at Midnight by Rob Herzog - Short, Horror - A man gets disturbing messages from things that aren't alive. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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ChrisS
Posted: February 18th, 2021, 5:30am Report to Moderator
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I like the story concept and it twisted its way into an ending I did not expect. My only feedback would be to tighten the ending and add in additional visual clues. Justin is clearly off to kill someone, but that might not translate to the screen with him just standing at the gate holding knives. Maybe add in a couple visuals that hints to his macabre intentions:

EXT. BACK YARD - NIGHT

Justin scrapes the two knives against each other. Metal on metal. The shrill noise echoes.

JUSTIN
(whispers)
Cut, cut, slash.

He walks to the gate. The night wind blows. Cool and eerie.

Across the street -- he notices a FEMALE NEIGHBOR sitting on her porch, texting on her phone.

Justin grips the knives tighter. His face contorts into a twisted smile.

                                                                                                                    FADE OUT:

But like I said, it was an otherwise great read. Well done!
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Rob
Posted: February 18th, 2021, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Good suggestion, Chris S. I like it.
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Yuvraj
Posted: March 4th, 2021, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Rob,

It took me a while to understand that the guy was actually going nuts, hearing things and all and that he was a killer(assuming that the guy had killed before). Obviously, he sounds crazy. He lost his wife/GF(woman in the picture).

But the point is it all sounds well and good until the ending happens if it were clearer and stronger in the depiction that he's gonna kill someone. Something more visual. The ending would have been somewhat more impactful. Just a friendly suggestion.

Good luck.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES
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