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A nice, easily filmed concept. I think the reveal of Grandpa being dead came too soon? IDK. This is another that, if filmed, could be quite good with the right actors. The child's last line of dialogue seemed a bit off and uncaring too. Does she not care or not understand what she just explained? Hmmm. Good work, writer.
The story is good - but there are a ton of typos and some very awkward phrasing throughout.
For example:
Quoted Text
AMY (CONT'D) You can't be still tired.
Really should be - you can't still be tired.
Given that you only have two pages, I think you would have been better served spending less space on the setting (pancakes, description of table, etc. etc. ) and more space on the dialogue between mother and daughter.
Good effort, here. Though the writing needs some polishing up -- I read some past tense being used, punctuation a little off, the wording a little off in description, etc.
Jesus, none of these shorts really end on a good note, do they? Lol. Anyway, this was pretty good, though once the setup towards the twist became apparent (her mentioning grandfather), I knew it would be something with the father. So, while it was a decent story, the twist didn't quite hit me that much. Maybe it's because I read so many of these shorts before this, but the endings are very similar from short to short.
Not a bad story here, but there wasn't much suspense or thrills. You needed a build up, something to propel this into thriller category. All the pieces are there, but as is it's not quite there yet.
The story is good as far as it goes, but it doesn't really have a twist, since our expectations weren't subverted. The cops merely confirm what Julie told Amy. Julie's source of information is unusual, but doesn't really contribute to any twist.
I liked the story. I think the first page could be trimmed a bit, and there are quite a few spelling/cap mistakes that make it look sloppy. Maybe trim the first page and add some more tension with Julie so the twist at the end doesn't feel so rushed.
Nice little ghost story. Some explanation of how grandpa was able to talk to the daughter would have been nice, but we only had two pages to work with.
My main issue is that the 5-year-old seems too nonchalant about what she is telling her mother, I would expect her to be somewhat upset at the prospect of her Dad not coming home.
You can turn off Final Draft's tendency to add (CONT'D) when a character has lines on both sides of an action. Go to Document > Mores and Continueds and turn off "Automatic character continueds". It's a simple fix, and not a problem with your writing.
The problem is that the story ending is more of a ramp than a twist. I'll call it a valid sting-in-the-tail, though. With a little more space, I'd have the girl's information start off as ambiguous to mildly positive... and once mom starts to play along then bring in that sting.
I might have tagged this as sci-fi rather than thriller since there's paranormal stuff but no real action... but there is a sense of rising tension, so it's neither here nor there on that front. Both genres are allowed anyway.
Man, that daughter sure must've hated her dad. You'd think she'd wake up a little earlier or at least go to her parents room. But it kind of ended with a "Sorry bout yer luck, mom". She didn't have a care in the world.
The writing is good, but this seems like a scene in a bigger story. A ghost giving a warning is in so many horror stories and urban legends it feels like there should be something more to it.
Pages: 1, 
Author
Through a Child's Eyes - May
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