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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  The Parkton Girls - OWC
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  Author    The Parkton Girls - OWC  (currently 553 views)
Don
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Parkton Girls by Hubie Marsten - On the night of Parkton's firework show, will the growing number of missing teenage girls be added to?  Short, Horror, Thriller


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written, easy to follow. Due to the nature of this OWC I took a guess at who the bad guy was and was right. So I could see where this was heading.

The setup was standard high school stuff and all the girls sounded the same. So I'd suggest working on that aspect and trimming it. It starts to get interesting at the firework display and figuring out who is going to be the next victim and how. That's the strongest part so I'd concentrate more on that and less on the setup, for a short anyway. If you decide to make this a feature then a lengthy setup and intro to characters is fine.

Ticks all the boxes!


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Anon
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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I had some clarity issues from, the start. Had to read this dialogue several times and it still doesn't make sense.

KELLY’S FATHER (O.S)
Fucking bitch. If you want your two
cheeks to match, open that door. If
not, you’d want to get to school as
quickly and quietly as possible.

Is what you mean something like this ...

KELLY’S FATHER (O.S)
Fucking bitch. If you don't want your
cheeks to match, open that door and
get to school as
quickly and quietly as possible.


Then there are several characters intro'd with just names and ages so I had a hard time remembering who was who.


I guessed the villain, but it met the brief, and the partnership was sinister.
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Yuvraj
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

The story was good with decent enough writing. The villain was easy to spot, even then you did a good job with handling the suspense. Given the theme, it is inevitable to not start guessing about who is the villain in the story.

The only confusion that I have is -- In the last scene, why is Jen in kelly's bedroom? I don't fully understand that part. Is it a twist? If it is then I don't get it. Or is it a mistake?

Good luck.


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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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It's good, but I know the requirement so it was obvious to me that Matt and Jen are behind all those disappearings of the young girls.

I wish there was more depth to Jen. I understand she doesn't like these girls, that she's a weirdo, but you didn't let us much deeper into her character and revenging those girls for being rude to her is not enough.
It just could be a bit more, I thikn. Maybe you could give her some character too. Right now she's very bland, almost unexistent. Also, maybe. you could start with her.

Anyway, it's very good, don't mind me please
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RolandJ
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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This reads like the 'mean girls' script. The protocols was to make the villains almost invisible until the end.
And did I miss Halloween...?  

Revision History (1 edits)
RolandJ  -  October 18th, 2021, 6:00pm
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure what is happening. Either you have got confused with your names and characters or I'm missing something.

You introduce as Kelly Bronson and Jen Murphy... but then Kelly makes a joke about Jen's dad running away from Mrs Bronson (I think), which doesn't make sense because that would be her mom... and then twice you refer to a Kelly Murphy (Matt says this once and again at the end in the news report)... and at the end Jen is in Kelly's bedroom, so yeah, it's a bit muddled.

Other than that it's pretty standard fair. I think it needs it's own USP to make it stand out


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SteveClark
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Loved the tone of this! I think you really captured the school-girl thing (if that's a thing), and each character had a distinct voice, and the contrast between Kelly and Jen at the beginning was great. Not much else to add here. Nice twist and reveal. Written so well. Def one of my favs! Great work!

Steve


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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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             ZARA
She hates a lot of people. ..  I think this is suppose to be Kelly

Then at the end Jen is in Kelly's bedroom ???

You have a lot of this throughout I had to keep rereading to figure out the characters.

Besides it was well written and the villain was obvious.

Good job on entering


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Britman
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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A relatively simple story. Some of your descriptions are well thought out, but some a little clunky and repetitive. Dialogue needs a polish. What's with the "--" prefixes?

The requirements were met, although I had to go back and see where Halloween was referenced, but to me this needs a few more passes to clean things up.

A decent effort.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Decent enough tale well told, but it felt familiar with a twist that was fairly easy to spot.

It's difficult to do this sort of tale with any real difference as it's been done so many times.

Well written though and hits the requirements.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dukeman42
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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This script does a good job of establishing the familiar teen girl social hierarchy as a backdrop for sinister deeds. I appreciated the brief prose which kept the pace moving, though there were times when a little more description would have helped solidify setting or character motivations.

There's definitely something unnerving about Jen helping her uncle secure his victims. If there were another layer to her motives beyond "other girls are mean to me" I'd have found that interesting to explore as a reader (unless it is there but I missed it).
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PKCardinal
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Well written to be sure.

I like the twist with the uncle. It elevates it from what otherwise feels like a pretty standard high school girls script.

That said, I'd like to see more of that relationship. Which, I know, is hard to do, since you're trying to hide the villain for OWC purposes.

Without the challenge parameters, you might be able to expand on the story some and make it even more interesting than it currently is.


PaulKWrites.com

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Spqr
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Good dialog and descriptions, and the story moves along at a nice clip. However, the girls are pretty much the same character, and even Jen isn’t that much different, though she’s the outsider. But that’s probably a function of the limited page number. The character who needs more buildup is Uncle Matt, since it’s for him that Jen lures other girls to their death. Now there’s a relationship that merits investigation. Also, where’s the Halloween angle?
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ColinS
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

An enjoyable read, and for me to be able to follow seamlessly and be able to visualise your scenes, the writing must be good. Well done.

I've got no problem with Matt and Jen being the bad guys, but as Matt is a little underdeveloped (Appreciate you didn't want to give too much away), we have no idea why he's in the kidnapping the teenage girl business. Also the devil in me would like to know what they're actually doing with these girls - Just how evil are Matt and Jen?

Anyways, I liked it!
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