Logline: Horror unleashes inside a funeral home when the mortician fails to follow instructions in preparing the remains of a deceased woman.

Genre: Horror  

Page Count: 15

Anyone that has some free time and wants to check it out.  I would like to hear what you think.

Thanks!  

https://www.dropbox.com/s/e99i785c6f9vdji/Coffin%20Birth.pdf?dl=0

I went in thinking it was the first 15 of a feature, but I guess it's just a short?

I liked the idea here, but had some issues with it as well.

First off the tone. It doesn't set a horror vibe when we're at a funeral home, but the Dad is playing on his phone. Aubrey wants to touch the dead grandpa. I was also left to think this was going to be about that family and Pap Pap. You wrote they were the only ones in the room, but somehow Heather is there too and it turns out she's the bigger part of this. Once she's introduced we went from horror'ish dark comedy to a feel of thriller. Still with some comedic tones. I don't know what kind of horror you had in mind here, but whatever you decide to do, stick to it

Then we move on to Heather and Bob. Here I had a bit of a hard time believing Bob would go along with any of this. If he's willing to do it for the money, then we need to know why he so desperately needs it that he's willing to do this. I think it would be better if Heather had done her research better so she could threaten him and not just with a gun. Maybe she is clever enough that she has set something up so that if he doesn't go along with her plans, an incriminating video with one of the corpses (or something else) will be sent to the local TV station or something. It's a horrific thing he has to do, so his motivation to go along needs to be more than a bit of money, IMHO.

The end went a little over the top for my taste. IMO, it would've played better if you kept it creepy rather than a full-on crazy bordering on cliche. Having said that, I do like the idea of the whole morgue cremation thing very much.

Good Luck with this.

Thanks for taking a look, Pia!  

Quoted Text First off the tone. It doesn't set a horror vibe when we're at a funeral home, but the Dad is playing on his phone. Aubrey wants to touch the dead grandpa. I was also left to think this was going to be about that family and Pap Pap. You wrote they were the only ones in the room, but somehow Heather is there too and it turns out she's the bigger part of this. Once she's introduced we went from horror'ish dark comedy to a feel of thriller. Still with some comedic tones. I don't know what kind of horror you had in mind here, but whatever you decide to do, stick to it

I didn't even notice I was all over the place with the tone until you pointed it out.  Thanks!

Quoted Text Then we move on to Heather and Bob. Here I had a bit of a hard time believing Bob would go along with any of this. If he's willing to do it for the money, then we need to know why he so desperately needs it that he's willing to do this. I think it would be better if Heather had done her research better so she could threaten him and not just with a gun. Maybe she is clever enough that she has set something up so that if he doesn't go along with her plans, an incriminating video and one of the courses (or something else) will be sent to the local TV station or something. It's a horrific thing he has to do, so his motivation to go along needs to be more than a bit of money, IMHO.

I thought about that when I first started this.  I talked myself into the version you read, thinking he's basically just performing an off-the-books cremation. You're right. It's a little far out in left field in that aspect.    I may go back and rework where Heather shows up already dead.  

Really appreciate it!  
  

No no no! She shouldn't show up dead. That's the best part!!! Insisting to be cremated. Just have a stronger reason/threat for Bob to agree to the cremation. He should be a dirty guy. Until he agrees to the deed, he seems like a pretty decent guy.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear No no no! She shouldn't show up dead. That's the best part!!! Insisting to be cremated. Just have a stronger reason/threat for Bob to agree to the cremation. He should be a dirty guy. Until he agrees to the deed, he seems like a pretty decent guy.

Ok, I see what you're saying now.   As an example...  She has a video of him giving corpses a little too much "attention. "    Would that be good or a little too silly?  

Hey man,

No technical or formatting notes - looks clean and smooth. Bolded slugs are my jam.

I'm really, and unfairly, bothered by mother characters not getting a first name and just being MOM if they're speaking roles. Idk. It seems like a way to boil down a woman's essence to her birth-giving (I'm well aware this is not your intention or motivation and is just me being insane).

Some good action lines - "the anticipation is palpable to Audrey" - hell yeah, at that age I'd be SO keen to touch a dead body. Kids are weird, love it.

For a short (?), lots of perspective jumps and it messes with the tone. I echo others' sentiments about tone. This was kind of funny/lighthearted in areas where I think you aiming for a Hammer-Horror vibe almost? Correct me if I'm wrong.

You Capitlise Bob's intro as "HUSKY MAN" but then later capitalise his intro as "BOB" when we see his name tag, and refer to him as Bob throughout - just introduce him in text as Bob and describe him as husky. It seems odd to withhold information from the reader when you don't need to.

Probably needs one more go through but didn't mind reading this at all.

Hey man,

No technical or formatting notes - looks clean and smooth. Bolded slugs are my jam.

I'm really, and unfairly, bothered by mother characters not getting a first name and just being MOM if they're speaking roles. Idk. It seems like a way to boil down a woman's essence to her birth-giving (I'm well aware this is not your intention or motivation and is just me being insane).

Some good action lines - "the anticipation is palpable to Audrey" - hell yeah, at that age I'd be SO keen to touch a dead body. Kids are weird, love it.

For a short (?), lots of perspective jumps and it messes with the tone. I echo others' sentiments about tone. This was kind of funny/lighthearted in areas where I think you aiming for a Hammer-Horror vibe almost? Correct me if I'm wrong.

You Capitlise Bob's intro as "HUSKY MAN" but then later capitalise his intro as "BOB" when we see his name tag, and refer to him as Bob throughout - just introduce him in text as Bob and describe him as husky. It seems odd to withhold information from the reader when you don't need to.

Probably needs one more go through but didn't mind reading this at all.

Hey Ben,

Thanks for the read!

Quoted Text I'm really, and unfairly, bothered by mother characters not getting a first name and just being MOM if they're speaking roles. Idk. It seems like a way to boil down a woman's essence to her birth-giving (I'm well aware this is not your intention or motivation and is just me being insane).

It's all good on the Mom thing.  It was just a lazy out for me not to worry about coming up with a name.  You probably have a point.  It might be more challenging for an actress to get in the skin of just "mom."

Quoted Text hell yeah, at that age I'd be SO keen to touch a dead body. Kids are weird, love it.

I know, right?  That was the whole reason the boys in Stand By Me went on their adventure.  To see a dead body. Lol.  

Quoted Text You Capitlise Bob's intro as "HUSKY MAN" but then later capitalise his intro as "BOB" when we see his name tag, and refer to him as Bob throughout - just introduce him in text as Bob and describe him as husky. It seems odd to withhold information from the reader when you don't need to.

Good point on naming Bob.  

I'll give your RUBY IN THE YARD WITH CASKED WINE a read.  Will try to get notes up by tomorrow night/early morning.    

Appreciate your input!  

Hi Kevin

I’d love to you to read Ruby! I look forward to it