Blind as a Bat by Brother Grimm - They say love is blind. So does everyone else in the room.  Short, Comedy

Ahoy writer,

In terms of whether it's 'yay' or 'meh', well this was a bit 'meh' for me. I wasn't really there with the man(Vincent) coming back 3x..for what you have here - once or maybe twice would have suffice. Also, most notably here, for me at least - I did not find any laughs, or even chuckles, in these exchanges - terrible I know, but I'm sure others' will

On a technical point, you forgot to CAP some of your characters on intro.

Not bad by any means. Best of Irish luck! -Andrea.

Hi writer,

I was wondering about that vacuum cleaner sales rep there, thought he might be in a cult or something, like the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners in Seinfeld, and my suspicions were confirmed when he returned as a Jehovah, buuuut, not so. Ahhh! He’s a Vampire and a Vampire cannot cross the threshold of a home less he/she is invited in, hence the beer, smart.

Not entirely sure what transpired here, but I did laugh a few times, especially when someone gets kicked in the nuts, not me… that would be tragic, but Jack probably deserved it. Met the challenge theme and was a fun dysfunctional ride, best of luck.

The dangers of buying on the internet.  You never really know what you might get.  She had a narrow escape.

Biggest laugh I got was "model... for ski masks."

Unfortunately, not much after that landed for me, except maybe the idea that Vincent, after two failed tries, decides: screw it, I'll just give him beer. And it works. That's pretty funny.

Comedy is so subjective. I'm sure others are going to get more out of this than I did.

Thanks for sharing!

Hi Writer

There were a couple of moments that could have been genuinely funny but they were lost in a lot of humour that was forced and all a bit childish for my liking.

The writing needed a lot of work and the characters were a bit wooden. Not my bag but best of luck with it.

Oh my! This wins the award for dark humor.  The description of Jack was hilarious, "too many pies....a model...for ski masks".  However, I definitely did not want to laugh at the fact that Jack got the blind girl " at a discount because she was broken" or the blind girl sticking her head in the hot oven, burning her arms and then severing an artery cutting the turkey, but alas....I could not help myself.  Shame on you! LOL   Oh, and I loved Vincent!  He reminded me of the old Saturday Night Live skit with the "Landshark" at the door.  And yes, vampires have to be invited in....alcohol works every time.  In the end, I did not want to like this, but I did.  Probably too much because I'm still ashamed of laughing at the poor blind girl.  Great job writer! But again....shame on you! And shame on me, because this might just be my favorite.

Petite and stocky, nope can't picture that. Sarah/Daniela should be capped and given a less lazy description.

Some of the humour lands, some doesn't and some just feels a little off... but i am engaged.

A fair few typos that another sweep should catch.

Lost me about page 6.

Funny little comedy that plays on Dark Humor.

Nice use of the uninvited Vampire    

Jack getting a well deserved kick in the nuts.

It looks like it was rushed but I enjoyed it for what it was.

This is whacky.  It needs a bit of finessing with the black comedy imho.

With black comedy you need to really go for it, not sit on the fence - think Something about Mary which goes the whole hog.

It's quite a 'straight' opening and you need to establish tone right from the get-go. Go all in from the start with blind Daniela reaching into the oven or doing something daft with food prep. There is an actual thing called episodic blindness which lasts from 10 to 30 minutes, that might suit your character here.

I liked your guy knocking at the door in his various guises. That was amusing.

Some tweaks here and there and adding a few more belly laughs, and physical comedy, and on screen this might work well as a Thanksgiving gone nuts short.

Edit:  Something about Mary is not black comedy, but you know what I mean.

Not only is this as blind as a bat but it's also as nutty as a fruitcake. It's metal, but I kinda liked it.

Whilst I think there are some good laughs in there, some of it gets lost in the pure clutter of comedy. Maybe you needed to put the brakes on a bit - have fewer jokes but more set-up to them.

Having said that, if I watched this play out on screen, I believe I would enjoy the pure calamity of it all. I think it's a good crazy.

P.S - After reading the overwhelming hate for my effort in this owc, I feel a bit like Jack - drop kicked in the nuts  

The set up here is very funny. Some funny actions.

I didn't understand quite a few motivations here. I though that the man coming to woo the blind girl was random and couldn't get why he would do that at all.

Things happened fast and at the peril of the writer which is not right I think.

But funny lines, and somewhat entertaining I must admit!

I think this is one of those stories that you have to "see" when you read it.  Really cast it in your mind with actors you love...and let it happen!

In the script itself, much of the absurdity such as Vincent's many attempts to get inside really need to be acted in a special way ( think Will Ferrell), but lack the impact in the printed word.
The mail order bride, imagine how Kristen Wig could nuance the performance with just the simple action/dialog she has.

I enjoyed the premise, some of the writing, and could be hillarious if the absurdity is taken up another notch or two.

Tip of the hat to the writer.

P.S. Absolutely, positively kill the "broken" line.

Writer,

This was a good bit of fun, and it reads more like an SNL sketch than anything. Did you name Lee and Sarah after Sara Lee cakes? Just curious. As funny (and absurd) as this was, I feel it could have been funnier. I mean, seriously, you have a blind mail order bride cooking Thanksgiving dinner! So much more you could have done with that. Got a laugh when he opened the door the second time and the moustache was gone. Seems like you ran out of ideas with the vampire bit and just wanted to end it there, but maybe pressed for time. Overall, a fun and funny script. Good job!

Steve