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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  In The Company of Monsters - OWC
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  Author    In The Company of Monsters - OWC  (currently 616 views)
Don
Posted: July 17th, 2023, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In The Company Of Monsters by Gary  Kohatsu (Abe from LA) writing as Robin D. Graves - Short, Horror, Fantasy - A company man in charge of  a horrifying product creation, must choose to expose or protect a worker with a sinister counter-plan. 11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 31st, 2023, 1:16pm
revised draft
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steven8
Posted: July 17th, 2023, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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This is a wild story.  It's like an art deco-twisted-James Bond-Art House-Roger Corman-Techno-Porn film.  All in all I liked it.


...in no particular order

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steven8  -  July 22nd, 2023, 7:19pm
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 18th, 2023, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nicely written, clean, descriptive. I definitely commend you for coming up with such a fascinating concept. Clearly a lot of thought went into this. I quite liked this. More importantly, one of the few we've read that didn't play free and loose with the parameters.

All the best.

Ghost


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Yuvraj
Posted: July 18th, 2023, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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It took me a while as I was reading to make sense of what's happening, but eventually as it ended, it was all clear. Must say, a cleverly crafted tale. Nicely written as well.  

Good luck.


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LC
Posted: July 18th, 2023, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Bloody hell, what a ripper! Now I sound like an Aussie cliche...
I'm going to read it again because some things got lost in the chaos, and it is a big story for ten pages. That said, this was a unique and very enjoyable ride.

DONOVAN
Sounds exciting, Neil.
NEIL
No. Call me, Mr. Rose.

Haha, made me chuckle.
Typo 'champagne'.


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mmmarnie
Posted: July 18th, 2023, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was great. Loved everything about it. Ending was awesome. Writing top notch! Great job!!!


boop
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 19th, 2023, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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I'm not entirely sure I understand the world at play here, but it is a very interesting one. This could easily be expanded.

Well written and engaging with a satisfying ending.

Lovely job


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 19th, 2023, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, there was decent interplay with the characters and intrigue was built and had me reading to figure out what was going on.

But some of the dialogue felt over stylised imho, and read a little too arch in places. And even though it's not the intent, it felt a little male gazey (or maybe that was the intent, not sure where the line is on this one).

But I liked the ending.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Gum
Posted: July 19th, 2023, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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It’s a well written script that meets the parameters, my only question would be “how do the AI Models self-destruct?” Overload the batteries? Just nitpicking, works just fine as is for the theme at hand.
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MichaelYu
Posted: July 20th, 2023, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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I liked the ending. How about making Neil suffer from the pain Miranda and Olivia had instead?

Michael
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kcranford
Posted: July 20th, 2023, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Features:  Christmas Joe

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Well.....interesting little S/M tale.  Also couldn't help notice the alias "Robin D. Graves".  Didn't I see a character in another offering somewhere named "Doug Graves"? Is this a case of "great minds think alike"?     As to the story, although darkly disturbing, it is very well written, an obvious pro at work here.  Seems like all the parameters were met in a well thought out story.  I did have a couple questions still lingering after reading this through twice.  First, what is the significance of the "Elvis" pen?  After using it to sign in, he just drops it in an envelope in the outbox.  Is it being returned to Joe Reed?  I didn't get the significance of this or how it tied to the story.  Also when Neil goes to the bathroom to get sick, it states that he pulls a pen, a thumb drive and other objects from his pocket and flushes them.  I got lost on this too.  Am I just not good at comprehending?  Can someone else shed some light on these actions?  I don't want to miss out on an integral part of the plot if it is indeed noteworthy.

In the end, I really like this.  I of course wound up having empathy for the girls...even if they were machines.  No one or "thing" deserves that type treatment.  Loved that Olivia, given the gift of free thought, chose to sacrifice herself to rid the world of those despicable humans.


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SAC
Posted: July 21st, 2023, 7:16am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Well written and smart, and a social commentary as well. At least that’s what I got from it. Someone once told me to have the tone of your writing match the tone on your story, and you did a great job of that here. Well crafted and dark. Good work!

Steve


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Abe from LA
Posted: July 22nd, 2023, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you everybody for the reads.
For the hours I put into this script, I can say that I worked my butt off. When
I finished, almost every part of me was crying.
"Monsters" was inspired by Neil Labute's In the Company of Men and Ira
Levin's Stepford Wives.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 23rd, 2023, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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The only one I had left to read before the vote! I would say this one was my favorite. Loved the writing. Seriously. Also loved the touches of humor here and there. This story felt the most coherent and put together to me. Excellent job for an OWC.

I hope you are writing seriously these days. I'd like to read more, whether it's a screenplay or book.


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James A McCormick
Posted: December 31st, 2023, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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What a fantastic script!
Kept my attention all the way through- I was worried at one point it was going to get a little too disturbing for me and there was the potential in the script for that to happen.
I liked it, a flawed protagonist but one with a moral compass.
I think this has the potential to become a feature should you wish to develop it,
Great writing.
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