Falling by Guy Little - A daredevil ventriloquist throws more than his voice to prove his love to a special woman  Short

First, the nitpicks. Opening slug EXT. EARLY EVENING - SUN JUST SETTING doesn't give us an exact location, just a time reference. Then, later in the action lines when get descriptions of scents and smells. That bends the show-don't-tell rule.

Aside, I enjoyed the switching up of the ventriloquist and the dummy perceptions, with the little person being the human and the life-sized inanimate object. Then we get kind of a shaggy dog story, with a "D'oh" ending. Still pretty enjoyable.

Writer,

excellent work here, IMO. Very original setting and story, and tightly written. I think one last word, or sentence, needs to be spoken before he takes his leap. that whole interaction should provide more a lot more tension. Then it's, er, impact would have been that much more jarring. A quick fix, the way I see it, though you may not. Either way, very good work!

Steve

Writer,

This was a strange experience. Not what I was expecting. I liked the opening images. Very vivid, evocative. The ending was expected. A twist would have been nice.

A fine entry. Thanks for the entertaining read.

Ghost

Is this two challenges in a row with a twisted take on ventriloquism dummies? And, can someone please make it three in a row next time? Because I liked both of them. I guess I just can't get enough.

Not a fan of the opening slug. Need a location. And the sun setting is more an action line thing than a slug item. And, the opening descriptions are pretty heavy. But, overall you did a nice job of setting the scene.

The highlights for me were the visual of mini-Benny and the banter of the skit. Funny stuff.

I agree with SAC that the jump could have been more impactful (oh, man, did I just type that?) by building just a bit more tension into the moment. With only 5 pages, it's understandable. But, I think trading a bit of description on page one for more tension on page 5 would be worth it.

Fun stuff. Thanks.

Best,
Paul

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Writer, A twist would have been nice. Ghost

Maybe even a half-twist, ending with a jackknife into a double-gainer.

Talk about the ultimate belly buster. This was quite the vaudevillian script on display here, a throwback to the olden days of Hope and Crosby (I'm afraid maybe I'm the only one who might know who Hope and Crosby were).

Other than a couple of minor grammatical errors and some groaner one-liners (which you were probably going for), this actually was (a) well written and (b) had a decent story that connected to the song.  I liked the visual descriptions and the change to the little person being the ventriliquist. Some solid writing on display here, so good job.

That third sentence of the first action block is a doozy. Too many shifts within the sentence to follow easily.

One more note on that -- it feels a bit odd that you set the scene, then do the Barker's dialogue, then do what seems to be more scene setting afterwards.

Love the imagery, love the routine, love the ending -- missed the point. It did make me laugh but I'm not sure what we're supposed to get from this. Doesn't feel like a full story, given that the entire thing is basically a routine followed by a mistake that more or less has no stakes. But the challenge did leave the door open for scenes/sequences/etc. So basically, I thought this was super enjoyable for what it was and would enjoy seeing it expanded into a more complete story.

I'm a fan of this script. The opening details of the circus are strong, especially the tainted whiff of elephant poop. You captured the seedy circus perfectly. The splattery end is also great.

It took me a couple of reads to figure out that Benny was the ventriloquist and Lola was the dummy. Perhaps an additional line of description might make this more clear. Would this work if the sizes of the ventriloquist and dummy were more traditional? Just asking.

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end.  I think Benny did it on purpose, because he hated the idea of retirement.  This script had great texture.  You really could see and smell it all.  Kind of reminiscent of the Sorcerer's Apprentice on the Alfred Hitchcock Presents, show.  Not the story...the atmosphere.  This should be done in black and white.

Hi Writer

That was bonkers. Another one that really drew me into the world, made me apart of it, and took me on a wild ride... I don't really know what the ride was about but I am glad I took it none the less.

A very unique take and bursting with character, certainly one that will stick in the mind.
Doesn't carry enough story weight to stand on its own but I can see this as part of a bigger picture or anthology.

Best of luck to you

Loved this bit of throw-back to Vaudeville! "Ba da boom!".  Also liked that you threw in the mix-up of little Benny actually being the ventriloquist.  I also laughed out loud at the description "town dandies".  I'll remember that one    The writing on this is really well done, so kudos for that, but I have to admit I was disappointed that you chose for poor Benny to take that fatal fall at the end.  Turned the comedy to tragedy for me.  Anyway, cute idea for a short - wishing you much luck with it.

Kathy

Opening of this read a little too prosey for me, this is probably compounded for me by no characters being introduced in the usual scripts format.

The back and forth between Lola and Benny was funny, but the ending fell a little flat for me (pardon the pun)

Decent effort

Did somebody request a ventriloquist and his dummy?
I liked it for the most part. Lots of description that set
the mood and the aromas that stung the nose.
The fall was a bit flat, but mainly because I don't know
why it happened.
My thought is to insert some real life clues in the banter
between Benny and Lola.
As if, for example, he was despondent and had been drinking.
Then he has a few moments where he almost slips as he's
climbing the ladder.
The audience would gasp and think it was part of the show.
Anyway, most of the story worked for me, so congrats.

Great job setting the scene here. Was really easy to put myself into that world. Some of the back and fourth dialogue was great, too.

Just wish there was a bit more to it that would have given the end a bigger pay off.

Still, good work writer person!

Practically everyone here has mentioned the 'tainted whiff of elephant poop' and I concur. It clearly brings back memories for most of us, (probably as kids) and puts us right in the location. Great description there!

This brought back memories for me specifically of a 'carnival' I went to about a decade ago, everything and everyone looked tired and old and over it and I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Okay, I half expected a trapeze or high-wire act, not just Benny taking a miscalculated dive which I suspect was intentional. The tone of this is comedic but oh, so tragic that at times I wasn't sure what I was meant to feel - laugh or cry.

Your denouement? With all that set-up was a little bit of an anticlimax - I think a little bit of backstory by way of bickering banter between the two before the show might add something.

That said this is crazy and wonderful and all kind of nuts - in a good way.

Great job for bringing us something original.