Laws Of The Jungle by Chimp Chimcheree - A family of Gazelles. A pack of Lions. Nature can be cruel.  Short, Drama, Crime

Okay, hmm, so...

I think the first three pages are a little dense, probably due to the lack of dialogue (which I get why), but they do set up the chase effectively.

But for me I was wondering why we were getting the David Attenbrough treatment.

Then you went for a massive left turn... which I didn't see coming.

Does it all hang together, not for me entirely BUT the references to one of my face law enforcement officers go a long way!

Bannana?
That typo's gonna getcha'.
A certain member will be on your case.

Big points for inventiveness and I actually detected a bit of humour to this which you could have exploited a bit more otherwise the tone is a bit all over the joint.

Robo-Gorilla makes his entrance too late. Your opening is too long. When our superhero finally makes his entrance I'm a bit like the cross-eyed lion after he got hit in the bollocks.

It's a good idea, I just think you needed to go with it even more.

Marks for ingenuity and an out of the box interpretation.

ROBO-GORILLA abruptly shifts his attention and torso to the
plains in the distance, accompanied by that cybernetic sound.

'and torso' ? Not really needed. Cybernetic sound? I feel all that should come on his intro - how he moves etc. You do add a lot of that (his visual system) at the top so I don't think you need to refresh our memories of the details at this final point.

This is like Predator meets Dr Dolittle.

Wow

I started reading it yesterday and when I reached Robo Gorilla saying "you're under arrest" to the lion I went Wow. So, I wanted to praise this, cause thought it was amazing to watch animal planet where a calf gets saved like that but decided to read it sober again before doing that.

I'm sober now. And oh my God, loving it. "somewhere there's a crime to be commited" haha. I think theere will be something like that in the future. They mix genres crazily these days but this is more. Kids would appreciate the calf being saved. I would love it. and my mom would go crazy about it.

Other than that, I enjoyed the writing. The dialog, the robo gorilla, the mix of genres, the unexpectedness of all this. Super great job, thanks

At first, I was scared for the calf and then it turned comedic, which I prefer over seeing a baby animal being eaten. I liked it and it's the second one of the bunch that was unusually creative. I only have one question. If the lions and the crocodiles are not allowed to hunt, what will they eat?

Great job!  

I don't have much to add in that I agree with Pia. Ditto.

This reminded me of an old message board post by a young woman in New York City. She was asking for advice on how to put her cat on a Vegan diet. Really.

Nature is cruel. It controls populations with carnivores. I enjoyed the fact that while nature is cruel, your story wasn't. Thank you.

Dear Chimp,
Gor blimey Mary Poppins!! Big Cat Diaries was never like this - maybe the future Westworld version will be? It's a great tail twist.  I wonder if one of the failed lions could be splatted and be shown also to be an automaton?
On a musical note - have "Give that wolf a banana" playing in my head now. Great stuff - all best JtF

Hi Writer

Well that took me by surprise. I was just enjoying the ambush and cheering for the lovely hungry lions to get some dinner and then BAM! Robo-ape!

Not sure why predators always get a bad rep and we seem to cheer on the prey for escaping with no thought to the starving predators and their children.
If Gazelle didn't want to be eaten it shouldn't have evolved to be so delicious and nutritious.
That ape is contributing to the extinction of all predators in the plains, followed by the overpopulation of prey and eventual total collapse of the ecosystem. Evil Ape.

As an animation, if it was part of some anthology of bonkers animations, I'd probably enjoy watching it.

nice work, writer.

Ahoy Chimp-- sometimes you ask for crunchy peanut butter, and somehow you end up with " I can't believe it's not budder" -- not really my genre, but  I could see this as a very fun animation story no doubt. Thanks for the entertaining read. Best of Irish luck! -A

Hi,
It was fun to read your work.
The creativity is the most important noun to me.
Let's see how the other 9 stand by this.

I must admit I did enjoy this, but only when the Robo-Gorilla intervened. at first it could easily have been a scene from david Atenborough's Animal Kingdom.

But it all goes a bit tongue in cheek and silly. Enjoyable and very well written indeed.

Down to my last few scripts.

Nice title font.

No FADE IN?

"Their youngest" seems to imply that the older calf is his brother's father.

This is touching my heart.

*SPOILERS*

WTF??? Deus ex machina.

This is the third script I've seen mention running and hills. I love that song.

I went in reading a nature doc and came out reading that scene from Robocop. This one was bonkers. Yeah, totally nuts! But if this gets produced, I'll buy that for a dollar.

I agree with others above, that my heart was breaking for that baby calf, but then, Boom! A welcome comedic turn!  Robo Gorilla with a Banana gun - LOL. A+ for imagination on this one. Best of luck!

I could see how this was going to end a mile away.

And by "a mile away" I mean "I didn't see it at all".

Robo-Gorilla, eh?

Genius.

It was a chase story for sure.
It felt a little Animal Planet at first and then it took a turn for the strange.

I'm not going to really nitpick over small details because... well let's be honest:

Robo-Gorilla!!!

Cool story.

There's a new enforcer in the jungle and it's Robo-Gorilla.
I think you need a sign:  NO HUNTING ALLOWED. And in the fine
print, between the hours of 2 and 3 pm. The animal kingdom
will have to adjust to the new rules.

What will you do for a sequel?
Poachers beware. I could really get into that!

This was an imaginative script with a colorful twist.
A pretty solid OWC entry.