After making a mysterious deal as a teenager, a broken woman must fight to protect her baby as she's tormented and deceived by a relentless force that has come back to claim its due.

Ahoy Kat_Z

Werlcome to the boards.

Hmm... it's intriguing, but -- as a whole -- it's a bit vague. More detail would help. For instance, "mysterious deal"  and this "relentless force" can you provide a bit more on each. It would go a long way in us helping you craft a pretty good one. -Andrea

I agree with Andrea that some more specifics will help.
It sounds a little like Rosemary's Baby, mainly because of your existing logline and of course the title. A deal with the devil made previously, I'm guessing?

Quoted from LC A deal with the devil made previously, I'm guessing?

Or Child Services.

She makes the deal while semi-conscious, during a near fatal overdose and not much is known about it - she's just whispering with her eyes rolled back in her head and then says the word "Deal". I was attempting to keep the logline vague since it's all a mystery that slowly unravels (similar to Rosemary's Baby, as one of you noted). At first it seems as though the people around my protagonist are sabotaging her/acting in disturbing ways, but as the story progresses the audience should find themselves torn between questioning her sanity and believing there is a supernatural entity shape-shifting and twisting reality in a bid to take her baby. Eventually, the audience will realise the entity is indeed real and at the very end it's revealed that the entity is Rumpelstiltskin himself, something that has been foreshadowed throughout the entire script, but only those paying close attention will pick up on.

I hope that helps :S

Oh and the deal is that he saves her life in exchange for her firstborn.

I think it’s actually pretty good, but I’d name the force she made the deal with, and shorten the second half so it’s more deadly and insistent.

"After making a mysterious deal as a teenager, a broken woman must fight to protect her baby as she's tormented and deceived by a relentless force that has come back to claim its due."

Personally, I'd consider re-wording... "After making a mysterious deal as a teenager,"

Some ideas --

"In the wake of a near-fatal overdose..."

Or something like this --

"After a near-fatal overdose forces her into a desperate deal... a fractured woman must..."

Hmm... I'm wondering if you really need to include "deal" in there. I mean it will be in the script. Just thinking out loud.

Going off your logline --

After making a mysterious deal as a teenager, a broken woman fights to protect her (baby or unborn child, not sure which is appropriate here) from a malevolent spirit(or sinister entity) that has returned to claim its due.

Regardless, I'd replace relentless force.

Maybe something like this could spark an idea --

"After a broken woman makes a mysterious deal in her youth, she must confront a malevolent spirit that has returned to reclaim its due, risking everything to protect her unborn child from its sinister grasp."

Just some initial thoughts.   Other's will chime in.

These are all very helpful suggestions. An industry reader told me the deal is intriguing enough to include in the logline, so I added it in.

But there's also this:

A troubled mother-to-be grapples with a series of escalating horrors as a malevolent entity uses her memories — and fears — to distort reality, in a bid to claim the baby for itself.

Or:

"A new mother grapples with a series of escalating horrors when the dark bargain she made years before comes back to haunt her.

Quoted from Kat_Z These are all very helpful suggestions. I had another logline that didn't mention the deal but was told by a reader the deal is intriguing enough to include, so I added it in. The previous one was: A young mother-to-be grapples with a series of escalating horrors as a relentless force uses her memories — and fears — to distort reality, in a bid to claim the baby for itself. I know, I know, "relentless force" again. I just thought I shouldn't out that it's an entity, since that's a reveal.

I get what're saying, they may see entity, but they won't know it's Rumpelstiltskin which is a cool reveal.

Anywaz,

Hmm, "insidious evil" perhaps?

Sorry I edited for clarity before I saw your post. Insidious evil isn't bad. Although maybe the movie Insidious has claimed that word haha

I guess it's not good to be vague.

Years after making a desperate and dark bargain during a near-fatal overdose, a new mother must fight to protect her baby as she is tormented and deceived by a malevolent entity that has returned to claim its due

Quoted from Kat_Z I guess it's not good to be vague. Years after making a desperate and dark bargain during a near-fatal overdose, a new mother must fight to protect her baby as she is tormented and deceived by a malevolent entity that has returned to claim its due

You're right. Not too vague but concise and capture the essence of your story.

OK, this sounds intense -- it's good, but still needs a slight tweak with the wording methinks. JMOP.

When it comes to loglines I like to use the an old adage about "Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. Throwing spaghetti on the wall is how you know spaghetti is fully cooked. If it sticks to the wall, you have cooked it long enough. It it does not stick, you need to cook it more.  However, the real problem with that adage is that overcooked spaghetti sticks to the walls too!"   


Um, beddy bos' time for me.  Be back later in the day to offer a suggestion. I'm sure other's will chime in as well so no worries. When all is said and done you'll have a suitable logline to your liking.

Quoted Text "Years after making a desperate and dark bargain during a near-fatal overdose, a new mother must fight to protect her baby as she is tormented and deceived by a malevolent entity that has returned to claim its due."

Ahoy Kat_Z

Ok, just a coupla slight variations to what you already have... salt to your own taste.

"Years after a near-fatal overdose led her to make a desperate bargain, a new mother must fight to protect her baby from a malevolent entity that has returned to claim what it’s owed."

"Years after a near-fatal overdose forces her into a dark bargain, a desperate mother must fight to save her baby when a malevolent entity returns to collect a debt..."

Between the three listed - or a combo of them -- hope you find something suitable.

Regardless, in the end this is your script, and you have to be the one to make the final decision. Feel free to PM me if you have questions. Again, welcome to the boards. -Andrea

Thank you Ghost&Ghostie Gal! Really appreciate all the help.