The Twist by Chubby Checker - A writer's new script isn't the only thing that has a twist, so does his ankle.  Short, Comedy, Thriller

As I've said a few times, I'm not going to list the mistakes on display here, but there are MANY, MANY, MANY.

You have a twist and I doubt anyone will see that one coming, but I can't tell you that's a compliment.

I'm not completely sure what all is happening here, but you have a total of 4 scenes - BEDROOM - in which Larry is intro'd as if he's in bed with Tom (I know he's on the "device", but it's wrong and confusing how you did this), E.R., X RAY ROOM, and then, back to the E.R. - not the most exciting of locales.

There's effort here and in many places, your writing is good.  I sense a very quick write here, but who knows these days.

I will award you 10,000 extra points though for using "fade to white" twice, and once even as it's meant to be used.  

Appreciate you entering.  

Hey Writer,

I was enjoying this one, and the writing was dynamic. Think you ended up with several twists in the end which includes a twisted ankle which was a cool touch.

The actual ending/twist felt abrupt - I had to read it twice. I get we only have 6 pages to get the twist in, but your last couple of pages just go mad and it was quite hard for me to keep up with the shifting narrative.

Despite that, theres good stuff here too - some nice little jokes in the mix

Dear Chubby,
I have a healthy respect for the writer(s) who give "The Deadline" the finger - but something always has to come along to salt the pot - the unforced error injury!
I wondered if Tom W. Martin was an actual person (awarded a patent for improvement to the fire extinguisher in 1872) as I wrote about Todd Martin not realising he's a tennis player!
I thought the Xray machine hand transformed into a man eating MRI scanner. In the mayhem Mr Woo is mistaken for that woman in Misery . . . It's the plot twist of a demented and pain filled visual architect - completely vaild once you've strangled your suspicion of disbelief at birth. It's even called "Killing your babies." Neat.

I read it twice and didn't get it. Then I thought I'd read comments by others and am even more confused. Maybe a Dr. Who reference that flew over my head? IDK.

I'll look forward to reading some answers from the writer once the OWC is finished.

Okay, so I am a Doctor Who fan, Tom Baker is my Doctor... and I so want to like this!

But it's all over the place and I'm not really sure what's going on, or why.

So points from the fan boy in me, but the script needs work imho.

I feel some of this story went over my head, even on multiple reads. It was very clever with the multiple twists, both literally and figuratively. However, everything from the x-ray on just felt like a convoluted mess with no clear direction. It left me more confused and lost instead of pleasantly surprised. With time, a cohesive ending and fine-tuning on multiple grammar issues, this could be a home run script.

i feel like there's a reference or two i'm not getting, but i'm a fan of random gory scenes so i liked this one.

in the mouth of madness if it were good lol

some of this is so bizarre I kind of dig it ("Well, it's certainly not unbroken" keeps echoing in my head, so does "Tom's body lingers for a beat.") formatting's kind of screwy but I'm sure everyone is telling you this. personally I think it kind of adds to whatever effect you're instilling here, but I'm likely alone in feeling this way. it's not like this really feels like it's supposed to live on outside this challenge.

I always appreciate when somebody crafts something that's actually fun to READ beyond a mere by-the-numbers blueprint for a movie. I chuckled a few times.

a lot of this is seriously weird and I hope you hold on to that

I had to read some parts a few times to fully understand what was going on.

I think this has a pretty good ending although that was a pretty tough pen. I think it would have been better if it had pierced something softer than a sternum, like perhaps a neck or groin artery.

I felt at home here. I actually know of a CT scanner that went rogue and injured a patient and of course I personally know a few doctors who are living demons, so this to me is a non-fiction entry 😂.  Seriously though, I have to agree with others that this all over the place and I did have to re-read a couple things. I actually like the twist being a literal “twistâ€�.  It was not lost on me that even in death, the writer still had the scourge of a script deadline!  Thanks for the entry, enjoyed the read!

I like the idea of a writer that's under pressure - a fairly well used plot device - who then has an experience that drives that forward.

I also appreciate bringing in the twist theme.

There is something in this but needs to be simplified.

The late Tom W. Martin lay on the bed,

The bed moves out of the machine. Tom lay unconscious

You seem to have forgotten to write present tense.
Lay is past tense, lies is present.

I loved the beginning of this, loved the humour, but then it all went a bit haywire. Points for how it all began though.

Mr. Checker, congratulations on your Rock Hall induction. Way overdue.

Your slugs are clean and simple. Maybe a bit too generic. Maybe something like TOM'S BEDROOM or TOM'S MESSY BEDROOM. Or perhaps CLINICAL EMERGENCY ROOM (or E.R.) or STERILE EMERGENCY ROOM (or E.R.). X-RAY ROOM seem specific enough.

I love your opening. I can visualize it right off the bat. Great movie, btw.

Tom, writer, unpretentious. He's just like us.

Is this a Pulp Fiction reference?

Interesting use of a Siri/Alexa type device. Not sure if it entirely works.

I love Larry's introduction. I can definitely hear his voice. Something like Brian Doyle-Murray or J.K. Simmons or RFK Jr.

I love the saucy banter on page 2.

Tom woke up pretty damn fast, but I understand you're trying to push through six pages.

The whole X-ray scene is intense and visceral. Impressive!

I'm a little confused - Can we or can we not see the nurse?

It seems you mixed up lay/lie. Remember, a corpse, like a living person, lies. A pen, pencil or ball lays. I'm generally good at this, writer, but even I get confused with corpses, and when it comes to them in screenwriting vs prose. I just went through a handful of grammar checkers (not Grammarly) and only one picked up on this.

I love the way you built atmosphere and suggestions of Heaven after Tom "dies."

I'm not religious, but I love how you played into the God/Devil Heaven/Hell situation with Dr. Woo. Clever.

*SPOILER*

So, did Dr. Woo magically twist Tom's ankle?

Damn, even in "death" a writer can't beat a deadline.

So, wait... is Woo Annie Wilkes now? Is Tom supposed to be Paul Sheldon?

I love the final line and the closing autograph gag. Wrote it rather fast, though.

I must say this script was all over the place, for better or worse. But it's certainly clever. You're clearly a seasoned writer and there's some good writing here. It's not perfect, but another draft or two should help it shine a little more. One week isn't always easy.

Congrats on entering.

Spoilers,

Dr. Woo - Funny.

Deadlines exist, even in death.

This one didn't do it for me. And, I don't know why. Mechanically, this is a solid script.  I just didn't get it.

Don