The Final Draft by The Don - Some writers will go to any length to get ahead.  Short, Black Comedy, Thriller

I wondered why i was losing my hair…oh it could be im getting old of course.

I must make tea for my mother in law in the mug next time - a cunning plan.

Nice switch -a-roo with the mug

Ill give you ‘well done for entering’

Greetings good soul with dried ink.

An interesting story. I like the demise (so to speak) of the writer from awards ceremony to just a writing challenge. Oh how far they have sunk.

I enjoyed the read.

Well, what do I say when I see "FADE THE FUCK IN:" as our opening?  I say we obviously have a pisser here...or the writer is purposely trying to be irritating?  Awful start, IMO.

Long passages, poorly constructed sentences.  On purpose?  I don't know.

On Page 1, we have 3 completely different scenes and 3 characters, none of whom seem to be connected.

"Young, eager LENA (2 sallow complexion..." - Never seen a character intro like that before.  Is she a young 28?  I don't get it.

Why is "DON" all capped over and over?

"Mourners file past a coffin where lies HARTLEY CHEF (50s).
Beautiful and elegant even in death. A group of mourners
huddle around CHUCK CHEF (60s), HARTLEY'S husband." - What is this supposed to mean?  What is it that I'm seeing?  If nothing else, it needs to be broken up - each shot gets its own passage.

I honestly have no idea what's going on or why all these character's names are all CAPPED over and over.  We obviously have some kind of parody going on, but there are so many characters who aren't connected.

A 7 line passage on Page 3?  Really?

Hmmm.  Actually, there is a rather cool little tale in here, but it's so poorly presented, such a tough read for only 3 pages.  I honestly don't know if this is a pisser with an actual story, or just someone messing around?  In fact, this could actually be The Don, masking his writing skills to throw off the scent.

I just don't know, but if this is a serious effort, you need some help in your writing, and if not, well, you took a good piss here and your ending came across rather well.

Thanks for sharing.

Spoilers

Clearly someone has been paying attention.  A little scary.  The plot twist was telegraphed in the opening.  The dialogue could have been broken up a little more.  This was written by someone who has won an OWC.

- Don

Quoted from Don Spoilers Clearly someone has been paying attention.  A little scary.  The plot twist was telegraphed in the opening.  The dialogue could have been broken up a little more.  This was written by someone who has won an OWC. - Don

Or, by someone who has sent out "Crappy Mugs" before.  

So this is a regular, and someone who's had the mug too

This script though is a little all over the place for me, wasn't entirely sure why it was jumping around so much.

Decent effort and the in jokes made me smile.

@Don, do we need Geiger counters?

Immediately this reads like a pisser, and I'm all for it!

A misplaced comma on page 1.

Great song choice.

Never heard the word "sallow" before. Yellow, sickly? Does Yena have jaundice?

Quoted Text asthmatic Darth Vader

Isn't that just Darth Vader?

I think the script had too many characters for a short? Is this an ensemble?

I was wondering where/what the twist was, and then bam!

The writing is mostly good here. I was curious why all the character names were capped in every instance. Writer's trademark?

Thanks for the laugh.

Dear Don,
Dave and Don ey? either a left hand bias or a downward arrow jolt on the FD character selection - a single right clawed finger maybe . . . .Lena - so frail, so impossibly buoyant - Onto C characters now - still a lefty bias; color me intrigued. Ending, as one should in circular fashion with D's.
It's almost as if this was rapidly penned by our Sponsor - but that would be a misdirection. It was grab any character name to hand - or claw. Horrific ! Be careful what you wish for. Well done Omega!

robotard 8000 reference in the first line holy shit poggggggg

asthmatic darth vader poor guy :c

this is cool, poetic, even. I feel like the writer is someone who knows their way around a script; there's a confidence on display, a punchiness to the sentences and the pace that I'd be interested to see more of.

the real twist is that there might be another taxidermied cat's head collector on these boards ? what are the odds.

And I thought it was just the frustration, stress, and anxiety since joining this lovely group of writers that has caused my hair to fall out. I should probably move my mugs from the bedside tables.

I could tell that you wanted to keep writing with the excessive lines on your last page. Not sure why you didn't, you had pages to spare.

Thanks, writer. I had a good laugh.

The big plot hole that I found is that the mugs should not be radioactive. I have heard from a reliable source that there is enough lead in them to kill an elephant. That should provide adequate shielding.

All kidding aside, I like this. The dark humor flows throughout. The expected twist is still a surprise. Nice.

I’ve read quite a healthy number of scripts, but I’ll have to say, the fact that I’m a genteel, southern lady notwithstanding, I will now begin all my works with “Fade the F In� 😂
You had me at that line no matter what followed. Having said that, what followed was funny and entertaining with a lot of “insideâ€� humor that only the gang here would understand. One of my favorite reads so far.  Good job writer, thanks for the laughs.  Oh about those cups, fortunately, in my nursing career I’ve most likely been exposed to enough radiation and toxic chemicals that I am immune, so I will gladly accept another!

The final line made me laugh.   Classic stuff.
A simple plot with a final twist.
D.A. has a point about the lead.

The small touches woven in, the jazz, the martini, the vintage typewriter, the taxidermied cat's head, all point to a certain writer. If not that writer then someone with acute observational skills.

This was a hoot!
Thank you, Writer.

Dude, there was a lotta truths woven in this one --

"God! They write so much better than
me. I can't compete with them."

And a little bit of this, lol --

"Though there are the occasional
assholes being mean to each other."

There are quite a few characters and scenes to take in here, but I suppose that’s part of the fun. The twist is amusing — let’s just hope there’s no truth to that!

Well written, enjoyable - gotta be a contender.