Tequila Surprise by Spencer MacDonald (spencerforhire) writing as Father Guido Sarducci - Short, Comedy - When a smoking hot college cheerleader hooks up with the star running back all hell will break loose after his death. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Wow, this one's a mess. Intentionally so, I'd guess. Either way, I enjoyed it immensely.

Not much to say, so I'll just highlight some of my favorite lines of dialog and prose...

- "You want to put it in my mouth you
    hunk of love muscle... tequila I
    mean."

-  Micky squirts a long stream of tequila into her gapping
   orgasmic mouth.

- "Me too. I can imagine him giving me
    that hot beef injection. I need it
    so bad."

- Jennifer rubs herself and moans, imagining.

This is gold and I'm so here for it.

I wasn't expecting the twist, but then again, I wasn't expecting any of this. Lol.

Thanks for entering.

I'm going to start off with a "WOW", as Zack did.

I bet this was a fun write.

As soon as I finished, I needed to see what Zack said, as the new Dreamscale wasn't sure how to review this.  And I think Zack hit a bunch of the nails here.

Some of the dialogue is quite wild and I'm hoping was meant as a laugh, but some of this is also towing the line between acceptable and unacceptable and that's because you listed this as a thriller, not a comedy.

I really am at a loss for words, but here's a few pointers for going forward.

Opening passage full of mistakes.  You know, trust me, I get it.  We have other lives, we have commitments, sometimes time is not our friend, and mistakes happen.  But, your opening passage just can't look like this, as your readers will know what to expect.

Your 2nd passage takes place in the same location your 1st passage, but for some reason, you changed your Slug.

You didn't properly intro a single character, I don't think.  No ages - how do we even begin to picture anyone?  Character descriptions aren't right at all.  Is Kennedy wearing a Cheerleader outfit or something?  Is this a Halloween party?

These are college students?  Having squirt gun fights?

Is the dialogue meant to be taken seriously?

It's very entertaining, but then again, I absolutely LOVE pissers.

Thank you.  You started my Saturday morning off with a big old smile.

Dear Rev Guido,
Yikes !! A dairy farm decimation!! Didn't see that coming - - no pun intended. Buffy was never like this. It's nimble with mis-direction. College co-eds with squirt guns - it's more original than the usual  bong and drug paraphernalia. Nice work.

That was something else. A lot of unnecessary and unfilmable descriptions (e.g., how would we know Tyler's a chemistry geek and why does it matter?). The dialogue is quite hokey and on the nose, too. Intentional? Was this written for Jeff's benefit?

Very interesting, indeed.

Bust = burst... one of a fair few typos...

This is another one that feels like it was fun for the writer, but as a reader it's all over the place.

Hot beef injection is certainly a phrase I've not heard for a while

And the twist ending, yep certainly wasn't expecting that... doubt anyone was.

if the dialogue was meant to be funny then the writer definitely nailed it. i like the plot twist.

As a longtime SNL fan I decided to read this one next based on your pseudonym.

Quoted Text Light bust free from the cracks

Do you mean "bursts"?

Slugs are usually day or night, rarely dusk or dawn. If midnight is important, you could use a super. Or better yet, you could have a clock strike midnight.

Be careful using "we" in a spec script. Unless you're the director, of course.

Bale of hay. Or are you using hay to get someone out of jail?

Quoted Text Water gun fights [lead] to

I just noticed you have a few orphans, one of which could have been prevented by adding the word "the."

"in the jewels." Is this an expression I'm not aware of? Euphemism?

I love the innuendo here.

Quoted Text The party crowd goes [quiet] to watch.

You have a few comma issues.

The continueds are a bit confusing.

I didn't see that twist coming!

Bad Will Hunting.

I love that final one-liner.

Ending on "FADE OUT colon" is weird. I'd prefer a period.

You're clearly a new writer and there's some fairly good writing here. It just needs a lot of tightening up. Congrats on entering.

Solid script. I couldn't tell if the action lines and dialogue were intentionally over-the-top or just your usual style. Definitely could use some grammatical polish and scene setup but it had a solid twist. A few logic gaps with no one from the crowd being shocked or calling 911 after watching someone die and being dragged off. Good twist with the ending, though it should've just ended with them standing triumphantly on the grave.

The setting has potential - confined space, kids party, drink and sexual tension

Where it goes next is  the key decision.

Randomly killing someone and then burying them with witnesses is unlikely to work

But a discreet killing hidden by college antics has potential

All the best

I guess the invocation of the hot beef injection was a necessity here, huh ?

80s dudebro bullshit and murder is a winning combo to me.

I smiled a little every time they say the name "zune"

you kinda jump the shark with the ending which is weird for me to say for such a wild ride. but I think you have enough funny elements in the initial premise to sustain this. for once I didn't really need vampires.

This is solid.  Yeah, there are typos and some puzzling physics and weird behavior.  But, this is "...midst of a 1980's party. NEW WAVE MUSIC..." and my mind went to "Revenge of the Nerds" and once I attained that peace (not piece) of understanding, the story pretty much nailed it for me.  I enjoyed the story with all its wackyness.

Spoilers.  

How do we know tequila is in the water gun?

"She pulls away and we see a small drop of blood on his upper
lip. Micky wipes it away."  How does Micky know he has blood on his lip.  (I like the forshadowing btw, tho I missed it the first read). Perhaps, "She pulls away and see a small drop of blood on his upper lip.  She uses her thumb to wipe it away."


Why can't the nerd win?

I couldn't tell if this was set in the '80s or if it was a retro '80s party. Either way it looks like a fun time.

Then we get to Kennedy and Tyler, and I'm not rooting for either of them. Between the slutty bitch and the jealous objectifier, I'll take the dim-witted jock named after an 2000s music player. (Be consistent with names, everyone calls him Zune so naming him Micky in the script only serves to confuse the reader.)

Things get zany real quick. The hypersexuality is fine, I'm here for it. The drop of blood screamed vampire to me right away. But then Tyler makes a scene and is sent off humiliated, only to return to challenge Zune to a water pistol fight...and Zune accepts? In what world would that ever happen? These aren't twelve year olds, and you don't bring water pistols to a fist fight.

But fine, the story must go on, and Tyler shows the one muscle he has by tricking Zune into gulping down a pesticide...and then wants to hide the murder, and all it takes to convince Kennedy is saying "come on, give me a hand." Kennedy, who a moment before asks what the audience is already wondering, is Tyler completely insane? Not to mention the crowd of onlookers who just stand there gawking while they drag Zune's body away.

So we get to the twisty bit, and sure enough Kennedy's a vampire. The twist for me was how quickly she could turn Zune, and how selective she can be about whether biting someone turns them or just bleeds them. And now the cardboard cutout crowd comes to life because the dinner bell has been rung and they're the main course.

Does the twist work? Sure, a drop of blood is the necessary foreshadowing, but it's a strong foreshadow for anyone well versed in vampire material. The water pistols didn't help with that, they're a callback to The Lost Boys, and intentional or not I expected there to be something awful in store for Zune. The only question at that point was if he was also a vampire, or even if they were all vampires.

Is this a good story? It could be, but the tone hurt the thriller vibe a lot. It comes off as schlocky comedy instead of what could have been more tense and anxious. The main problem is there's nothing tragic or satisfying in this ending, Kennedy does what she wants, gets what she wants, and there isn't really much else. We can't even feel bad for Tyler because he's such a douche, which just begs the question why was she even with him to begin with?

There's some good writing in here despite the many errors, a good sense of pace, and a certain panache for raunchy action. The dialogue needs work, it's stiff and on the nose and characters sound a lot alike, but that will improve. I'm interested in seeing more from you.

Not a bad story overall. It was a little on the raucous side for my taste, but that’s just me. It does need a good polish to correct typos and punctuation.  Also, the last line needs a fix.  And one question, are tequila squirt guns a thing?  That’s new to me but then college is quite a far distance in my rear view mirror. 😊.

Lots of comments here already. I think I know who wrote this. 80s. Young hot people. Booze. Sex (even if nothing really happened). The writing was good. A couple of typos and at least one orphan. They don't bother me, but I know they bother Jeff...

The twist wasn't something I expected, but I'll go with it.

A solid entry, even if I'm personally way past the college-age shenanigans from the 80s.