Knotty Boy by Walt Dis'me - A 'boy' tries to outwit the devil.  Short, Fantasy

Just on a technical note, I don't think the Circa 1880 is in the right place... either show us it is 150 years ago through the description of the square or add it as SUPER.

So I 95% love this script, the twist is delivered in an unusual location in the scrpt, which is afforded by our familiarity with the tale - I love that!

And the interplay between them flows well too with some great lines and clever use of the existing story.

My only but, and it is a minor gripe, is that I don't think it needs the additional twist at the end, I'd have been happier with him descending

Great job.

A couple of interesting things right off the bat - title is interesting in that it evokes 2 instant feelings - a twist on "naughty" and possibly "wood".

Your synopsis has quotes around "boy", so that also has me thinking.

Hmmm, only 2 scenes.  Interesting again.

Opening Slug is problematic.  Absolutely no reason for "A" in front of "TUSCAN".  Just no need at all that I can come up with.  "(CIRCA 1880)" has no place in the Slug, IMO.  Maybe you needed to edit out lines that showed this properly, I don't know, but in a normal script, you'd want to use a SUPER, and you'd want to show us this in your descriptive writing passages.

Oh boy, Geppetto, Pinochio, and Jiminy.  We're twisting up the classic tale.

Sorry, but I have to add a quick funny story, as once I read the name "Geppetto", I actually had to leave my office, as I started laughing so hard, I literally almost threw up.  Long ago, I was in Puerto Penasco, Mexico with a buddy, partying like the rock stars we were, and we'd often come up with crazy shit just out of the blue.  So, we met some chicas, and for some reason, I told my girl my name was Geppetto.  My buddy almost lost it but we played it straight.  So, we take off, and we're at another place and they have a mechanical bull set up.  Like an idiot, I get on the bull and I'm on it and from the crowd, I hear, "Gepetto!  Hey, Geppetto!  Looking good!", I look to the crowd, and there's my chica waiving and yelling...at me, thinking my name is actually Geppetto.  I busted up and literally fell off that bull in seconds.  OK, sorry for that, but I'm still laughing now.

Your writing is good, but your intro of Lucifer isn't handled all that well, IMO.

Dialogue is good.  You've brought "character" to your characters.

AH HA!  There it is!  The knotty and the naughty.  Well done here!

Page 4 - "Ah!  I know what I'll do." - I'd cut this out, as it cheapens your good dialogue up to here, and just isn't needed for any reason I can see.

Page 5 - "Lucifer is furious." - Not necessary and stands out as weak in your otherwise well written prose.

Page 6 - Hmmm, although this almost sounds like something I'd tack on, I actually don't like it at all, as IMO, it cheapens what you've presented, and feels totally out of place, and a real tone changer.

Overall, I think this is quite good and a welcome relief to what I've read so far.  You've taken a classic story and put a nice spin on it.  Your characters have real life, your dialogue solid.  Pretty well written, good flow...but...is the twist here really the kind of twist that works in a challenge where the only real parameter is that the script needs to have a twist?  I'm not really sure, but I like this for what it is.

Solid work here.

Glad you entered.

Dear Walt,
marvellously written. A great build up and a novel twist. I laughed - I nearly pistachioed !!

Spoilers.

I absolutely loved this.  I liked the twist.  I chucked when I made the  Knotty to Naughty connection and the acorn to nuts connection. I really was impressed with the idea of  'no original sin' which Pinocchio uses to get out of the contract.  

Overall a very tight story.

- Don

I have no suggestions on how to improve. I liked this one a lot. Best one I've read so far. It felt like a fresh breeze amongst the others. Great job writer!  

I love it when classic Disney is twisted. This was fun with a lot of puns and pokes at Pinocchio. Anybody else envision DeNiro's Angel Heart version of Lucifer?

The CIRCA bothered me, as well as when Pinocchio's confusion of seeing a man standing there instead of the Blue Fairy. I think that can be fixed easy enough.

Lots of fun, here.

Walt Dis'me  

Really enjoyable and well written.

My only quibble is if those last lines are really needed but it didn't spoil what came before it.

Very nice job.

Ha ha, well done. Everything works here as far as I
can see. Loved the whole Pin Oak backstory. Is that
real or created by you?
Jiminy had all the answers. Down to the nuts. No lie.

I really dig the way you stuck satan into a disney thing without betraying the vibes innate to either of them. fine craftsmanship on display here. pinocchio was always such a great horror movie to me, so taking it into horror comedy territory really works. good stuff

Very well written. Good spin on a classic tale and well done on the clever wordplay. Some polish and tightening could benefit it some and the last couple lines didn't quite land but it didn't hurt the overall story. Great job.

Writer...

I have no gripes here. You did a masterful job. The read was fast and kept flowing. The story line made sense, except as some has said in other posts that this is probably not filmable. Doesn't matter. The story flys.

Best I have read, this far!

What to make of this one?

Nice setting, simple and effective,. Using the characters we know is sound as it brings us a lot of info straight away.

I can’t remember the story too well but does he hit the booze and cigars?

The double twist, from real boy to new born was a clever way to defeat the devil.

I wasnt so sure about the last line, felt out of keeping, but he is a boy now, so that going to be  an important area

Sound entry.

Hey Writer,

It’s imaginative and enchanting to see fairy tale characters in a fairy tale setting — and this is well written, too.

I have to say, this didn’t land for me as strongly as it has for others. The idea that the devil can’t condemn Pinocchio to hell because he’s made of wood is clever on the surface, but it didn’t quite make sense to me. If hell is that fiery, surely everything would burn — regardless of what it’s made of. I doubt Lucifer would be stumped by something so literal.

The newborn angle, whilst creative, just didn't make sense to me either.

The story just wasn't my bag but that's not say I don't appreciate a number of aspects of it.

Rarely can you please everybody - you just need to please the majority.

Looks like you're on to something here

Ha. Wow, that's very out of the box, imaginative and clever. What's interesting - it's really just a talk. A very fun, cleverly construed, smartly written talk among the characters I wouldn't suspect of reading here. And it's very well writen and all.

I have a hunch who it's from. Oh, I just know... Very nice.
Who am I here to give you advice. Good there's nothing I can come up with. Literally.