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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Looking Down From Above Moderators: bert
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  Author    Looking Down From Above  (currently 4620 views)
Don
Posted: March 27th, 2004, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Looking Down From Above by Stewart - Short, Drama - Atleast once in every lifetime a hard choice is made. Wether it is the right one, is up to you... - html** format.


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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MacDuff
Posted: March 27th, 2004, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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I wrote this to help me with dialogue/monologue scenes. Do these characters seem 'real' to people?

Thanks.

PS - Thanks for putting the script up Don.


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Matt_G.
Posted: March 29th, 2004, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey MacDuff!  You were kind enough to give feedback on my writing so I'm only too glad to return the favour.

Good dialogue.  It's always best to follow the less-is-more mantra.  There are a LOT of scripts on this site where the characters are saying far too much.  When we speak to each other, in daily situations, we do it really poorly.  We cut sentences in have, chop words into ever more creative contractions (where'ra going!), start our sentences where, grammatically, they should never start (BILLY: ...sayin' to Jed th'other day we gotta get that so'm'bitch!)

However, for most writers, all their characters sound the same, and are as equally articulate as one another whether they be a lawyer or garbage collecter, because the writers have little faith in the reader's ability to understand sub-text -- what the characters are saying by actually saying nothing.

As I said, good dialogue. 

One day, I want to read a suicide story, where the angel that comes to talk to them is BAD!  (ANGEL: We're laying bets on you upstairs.  You know that, don't you?  Right now the odds are...)

I thought the guy was a jumper himself!  That he was going to talk her out of it but jump himself.  Don't know why, just got that impression. 

matt g
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MacDuff
Posted: March 29th, 2004, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments Matt!
As I mentioned, I was mainly concerned of portraying the characters well using monologue. I had a hard time conveying Ralph as who he really is, so some of the dialogue from him can have multiple meanings.

thanks again!


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Hypnos
Posted: April 2nd, 2004, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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As for the ending.

I had the EXACT same feeling (or just dieing wish) that the guy was going to jump.

I guess it could have been possible that he has indeed jumped, although it's clearly not the writer's intention.
I'd go for he's a ghost of a guy who jumped. At least that would give his story some more credit.

It was well written, and although a tad cliché in some senses, I enjoyed the read. Most of the unproduced scripts are quite untalented, you show great potential.

Want to read more from ya.
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MacDuff
Posted: April 2nd, 2004, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments Hypnos.

I have another one called Father, that is in the Drama section (even though it is a short.). I read it over again, and noticed it is in quite rough shape (I may have sent in the wrong draft). You can read that if you like - but be warned, it's not that good...lol.

I'm currently working on a re-write of a full-length script that has been on the backburner for some time - I'll have it posted when it's complete.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.


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Hypnos
Posted: April 2nd, 2004, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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No problem, you deserve the credit.

Still, give a writers commentary on it.

Looking down from above can be interpretated in quite a few ways. Do you have a specific idea in mind. Heaven, the guy being an angel. Or is it more readers interprentation?
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MacDuff
Posted: April 2nd, 2004, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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I wrote it after watching a show about Guardian Angels. Raphael is one of the Guardian Angels that looks over people. I originally had Ralph called Raphael, but did not want the name to be too obvious.

I then changed his personality to reflect a jumper having a rough time also. Finally, I gave the ending an "open" feeling to give the reader the choice as where they think the story takes them.


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Hypnos
Posted: April 2nd, 2004, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Alright thanks for that. Glad you didn't go with Raphael..too much ninja turtle

Hope your next project will work out well.
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Artur L
Posted: January 5th, 2005, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa, i like this a lot, i think if someone made a good movie out of this, it could go into some festival and definately win something. I realy think you have writing talent. Keep up the good worl, and get this to the big screen !
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MacDuff
Posted: January 5th, 2005, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much!

To date I have had about half a dozen requests for this to be made, plus I've been asked to submit it to a creative arts magazine!



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Artur L
Posted: January 5th, 2005, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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I'd love to make this, but you wouldnt love me to make it lol.
Since im a kid and have no big budget equpement and stuff, and how would i get a 30 year old woman to act for me ? lol....well i realy hope to see this someday maybe.
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Andy Petrou
Posted: May 6th, 2005, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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hey Stewart!





Don't want to ruin this for anyone - SPOILERS AHEAD!!





Ok - This was a lovely read, really. I thoroughly enjoyed the script and the feel good factor it left me with afterwards.

Your format was fine and couldn't see any obvious grammar mistakes or anything...better watch mine now, lol!

Dialogue was very good - I thought you made both characters real and I thought it was well paced too, gald you didn't rush it or draw it out with too much unnecessary conversation.

Perfect length as it is. However, I could see this feature length but then I would like to see Ralph with a host of other pre-suiciders too...I think he has potential for more comedy, which in these situations, is sometimes a nice way to provide relief to the obvious tension.

Honestly, this was great and am sorry I didn't see this before, as the pick me up it gave me was much needed!!!

Well done you!  

Andy x
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MacDuff
Posted: May 6th, 2005, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading this Andy! I sometimes forget that this is on the website...lol. This is going to be filmed independantly sometime this year, so it will be interesting to see how it actually plays out on screen.

Well, I've got my bags packed - headin' off to the UK tonight.

See ya later!
Stew


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Andy Petrou
Posted: May 6th, 2005, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Stewart,

hope you and your wife have a safe trip and that your time with the 'QUEEN' goes well

- I'm sure you'll both have a blast, it's had excellent reviews.

Take care,

Andy x
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