Open Your Mind by Martin Lancaster (Der Spieler) - Short - A drug-dealer is released from prison into a world vastly different from the one he left behind. How far will people go to achieve the ultimate high? - pdf, format

My goodness, this was a wild ride!  First I'd like to say that your descriptions of gore are superb and they're written in such a way that makes you squirm while reading.  

SPOILERS

*This script had it all; sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.
*Fearless, it vividly explains what's going on and isn't afraid to cut on the details.
*The Lex character was very well developed and the Wolfgang fellow really made this thing creepy.  After seeing the dent in his head...wow.
*The dialogue was sharp, but the Rufus character didn't live up to the others.  Lex and Wolfgang obviously had this surgery done to them and it showed physically and mentally, but what about Rufus?  Maybe because he had the hat on, but I think it would have been effective if there was some physical distinction which makes you go "whoa!"
*The surgery scene--beautiful.  It was disgusting and churning, but I loved it.

Overall this was a fantastic read.  This script has pretty much everything you could possibly want with the sex, gore, creepiness, trippiness, and a close-up surgery.  Great job!

Martin,


Nice script here.  You've got a nice little group of diverse characters, and the descriptions were excellent.

I noticed in your title page you have "PROLOGUE".  Will there be more to this script?  When I finished I wanted to read more, so if there is that would be great.



SPOILER

I was a little confused with Lex's "roadside service".  It seemed that she was just trying to get Brannon to trust her, but it's like there's something else there that I'm missing.  Am I?


Mike

Thanks fellas. I wasn't sure how this one would go down.

This is basically the opening pages of a feature I'm working on. I have three intertwining stories plotted out but it's taking some time to figure it all out.

Mike,

The 'roadside service' is there to show Lex's character and, yes, to gain Brannon's trust. The idea is that it's all part of the service and the message Rufus wants to give to Brannon... "I'll take care of your needs"

I'm wondering how the Brannon character came across? He just kind of goes along for the ride. Is he too passive? Is he likeable? Ultimately, I have him planned as a kind of anti-hero.

Hey Martin:  Don't you hate it when you finally get something posted and there is a great story sitting right next door in the very same batch of new stuff?  Brea's is a real grabber, and I hope yours doesn't get overlooked in the process, 'cause this is pretty good, too.

It does feel like the genesis of a larger story, given Wolfgang's final words -- and as such, although it is powerful stuff, it doesn't quite stand on its own yet.

(SPOILERS)

*  The poodle hat may be a little over the top.  Not for every story (it’s still a nice touch), but maybe for this story.
*  I read above about what you were going for with Lex and the "service" -- but it comes off as a little abrupt.  Some lead up (just a little) might make this work better.
*  You need to describe Wolfgang’s dent.  Where is it?  How deep?
*  While the suregery scene is cool, I am not sure that drilling a hole in one’s skull, in and of itself, makes for a "convincing" high.  Perhaps Wolfgang should place something into this hole as well, making it all the more disgusting and disturbing.  What he uses will depend on the tone of the larger story, which I don’t have a feel for yet.  For a straight-up drug story it could just be some kind of powder or something, but for a sci-fi kind of thing you could do just about anything.  Even some kind of animal, like a worm or something.  Whatever you use, make it repugnant, I think.  Anyway, give it some thought.

As to Brannon, specifically, he is not exactly passive, but he hasn't really flexed his muscles yet either.  It's too soon to tell how he is working.  But, if you want Brannon to be more sympathetic, I do have one thought for you.  Consider having him resist when Lex first injects him.  He can be, like, “No.  I kicked that in prison.”, and then Rufus can say something like, “I insist”.  Brannon seems too willing now, and if he resists, the scene that follows carries even more impact, I think.

It will be interesting to see where this goes if you carry it forward. You should start a WIP thread if you do. These are interesting characters so far.  Even Wolfgang, who is only around for a few seconds.  

Thanks Bert, insightful comments as always.

As for the hole in the head stuff, it is a semi-convincing high that gained some popularity in Europe during the 60s and 70s. Allegedely John Lennon considered having it done at one point and there have been recent cases of people attempting the operation themselves and dying in the process. Check out http://www.trepan.com or google "trepanation" if you wanna learn more.

That said, I also felt it wasn't enough to simply drill and you've touched upon where this story is heading. It's a little bit sci-fi but not too far-flung from reality. I'm really enjoying writing this which can only be a good thing.

Thanks for reading.

I'm looking forward to Starbuck Starr

This is based on something real???

Oh, I like it much better now.

Martin,

This was very strange. At first, it seemed like a typical guy-released-from-prison story. It succeeded, however, in carrying a foreboding sense until more was revealed.

And, wow, what a revelation.

You mentioned Brannon in an earlier post as to whether or not he was too passive. I thought maybe he was a little. The back story was laid out expertly but I didn’t feel I really knew Rick that well. Personally, I felt that the car scene with Lex was a prime opportunity for some character development and to further set the tone so to speak. I don’t know, though. I may be an over-developer.

Ultimately, the premise was definitely very original and stimulating. This may even be prophetic in some ways.

The surgical scenes were far more graphic than I personally would require for the effect. And they went on longer than I needed. But very effective. Absorbing, even, in a strange way. You obviously did your research. It’s kind of an eerie thought but it sounds as if you could maybe perform this surgery yourself…hmmm. Exactly how much research did you do?

Martin, you know how I know you’re a good writer? When I see something by you, I get excited because I know it will be new and different and well written.

Thanks Breanne,

I think I'm going to extend the scene in the car with Brannon and Lex to reveal more about his character. Sometimes I'm so eager to move things along that I skim over developing my characters which is why most of my first-draft features come up short.

I did quite a lot of research into this. I even watched a video of the operation- nasty, nasty stuff.
This is an idea I've been thinking about for some time. I find it fascinating that people actually drill holes in their head for recreational purposes. There's a book called 'Bore Hole' about the trepanning experience which I plan to read as soon as I track it down. I might even try the operation myself...

...just kidding.

Well, the feature length version of this script is now complete. Thanks to George for some excellent feedback along the way.

I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. It's 115 pages. I'll probably sit on it for another week and tweak a few things before submitting. I've done a lot of rewriting along the way and I think it's fairly tight.

Not much has changed from the 17 pages posted here so if anyone wants to read a teaser, this is it.

I've had a lot of fun writing this, and I've disgusted myself many times over. It's bloody, but hopefully not mindless.

Look out for it on the unproduced page in the next couple of weeks.

Unproduced Script o' the Day!

If anyone's gonna read this, it's a nice introduction to my feature length script of the same name that can be found in the thriller section.

I'm looking for some reads on the feature version and I'm willing to trade reviews if anyone's up for it.

Yes, I know this is a shameless bump, and my third post in a row on this thread...

Hey Martin,

Took a look at this, I already read the feature length version(which is one of my favorite scripts on this site) but I still wanted to  take a look at this one.  

I don't know why you took the blow job scene outta the feature one, you have it here but it's absent from the other.

This is basically the same as the first 17 pages of the feature, minus the blow job and the opening is a little different, plus the flashbacks.

anyways this was still good and I'm glad you went feature length with it.

Thanks for the read, flyboy.

Yeah, there isn't much difference between this and the opening of the feature.

I thought long and hard about the BJ and eventually decided it didn't really fit with where I wanted to take the characters in the feature. However, I'm thinking about putting it back in the next draft. It might enhance Lex's arc, but then it might not....

I think you should put the BJ scene back in.  What I loved most about the feature version was it's dark and grittiness, it kinda reminded me of those crime films from the 70's.  I don't think it needs to be graphic or anything, but implying it I think would work as well.  Just a thought.  Still, even without it, it is a very good script.

nothing like a bunch of pot heads making scripts....pathetic