Greetings Breanne!!! I'm glad to have read this spooky script! It made up for some stuff that went on last night with me and someone else. Anyways, to the review.

Characters were all likeable except for the father, and even he's developed very well in the story. Every single character who has at least a small roll in the script has nice flowing dialogue and I felt like I knew them all.

I sadly laughed once at this script because of Mudboy screaming, "We have to get in the mud!" I have no idea why I laughed at this, but I did.

The plot was awesome, your ending was awesome, and the atmosphere was really creepy.

Sorry that I'm not as good at reviewing as you or George. I'm new at reviewing scripts, and I hope that this is helpful to you so that if you ever rewrite this it can be the best it can be.

WHOA

This has got to be the weirdest, strangest, colorful, most off the wall thing I have read on this site, but I also think it's one of the best, it was like a David Lynch film on acid.

I could see this not being everyone's cup of tea, but I don't think anyone could say that it was boring.  there was always something new or intersting on each page.

Some of the hullucinations were soooo off the wall, the giant grasshopper, yellow eyes turning into a dragon, the shadow stick people.  Some gret stuff there.

This kind of reminded me of trainspotting in a way, but this was even more fucked up than that.

I will have to admit that I had no clue what was going on in the beggining, I was like"what the fuck is this all about", but as I read further I liked that it fucked with me.

The scenes with the young yellow eyes and the priest was quite disturbing, it gave me knots in my stomach.

I did feel bad for yellow eyes though, he was one messed up kid, I guess all 4 kids were messed up, but I felt the most for yellow eyes.

The scene with young Rachael was quite disturbing, but I think very realistic, it's sad that shit like that really does happen, and probably happens everyday.

I liked mud boy a lot, and I loved his name, very original.  He reminded me of this other kid that also lives up where I do.

all in all this was a great messed up script.  Good work

James,

Thanks for reading.

Quoted from James Fields Sorry that I'm not as good at reviewing as you or George.

I’ll take all the help I can get. “Help,” for me, includes someone simply telling me they liked it (or didn’t as the case may be) or words of encouragement just as much as detailed analysis.

I appreciate every comment, even if it’s just to say, “Hey, I read your script and here’s what I thought.”

I enjoy learning the effect my work has on  readers, their thoughts, feelings, etc. I use this information so your input is very valuable to me.



Boy Who Could Fly (Drex? I think),


Thanks for reading, also.

I’ve had quite a few people tell me that Mud Boy reminds them of someone they’ve known. Hmm. Maybe it’s a law of nature that guys like him are in every community.

Thanks for the David Lynch comparison.

This script seems to have struck a chord with some people. I’ve had more personal emails from people about this script than any other I’ve ever written. And it’s the most read script I’ve ever posted here. Hmm.



Thanks guys,


Brea

Quoted from Breanne Mattson This script seems to have struck a chord with some people. I’ve had more personal emails from people about this script than any other I’ve ever written. And it’s the most read script I’ve ever posted here. Hmm.

I think because it really is unusual, and it's not like anything else, it's off the wall, but not shitty off the wall, and I think people know other people like this, I know I sure do, hell I could have ended up like one of these kids.  this is just very original and I think that's what people love.

I'm about a little more than a third of the way through this, and I like it so far. It's so strange, but in a good way, it's a huge compliment. I like the way you write your descriptions and your dialogue, the story moves quite fast which I like, and it's similar to my style as well. Your characters are very well introduced and very relateable. It has a very realistic feel to it, while at the same time being unorthodox, but not in a way that is unbelivable, we can still buy it. The only thing I would change about it so far is when Rachel said that she didn't knowmud boy OR yellow eyes. But yet she asked him "why he's always talking about torture" and he talks to her about being a superhero and helping her overcome the grasshopper like he already knows what she's gone through, and I just think they seem to have too much chemistry like that for people who have JUST met, and when she didn't even really seem to like him in the first place. So, I think you should just change that she does know him, but just not Mud boy. It would make more sense. But other than that, pretty cool so far. I'll finish the rest up in the next couple days probably.

Wow, this script blew my mind. Very very good. The story I thought was great, each person's personality, the hallucinations and their little back stories (ie. the priest molestation and rachel with the grasshopper) were all very disturbing, sad, sweet, interesting, beautiful, and intelligent all at the same time. Even the part where Juliea pretended to be Rachel's mother, it was so depressing and beautiful at the same time. The script as a whole I thought was rather brilliant. And tippy as hell. It reminded me of Donnie Darko a lot, obviously not the story, but in terms of the feeling I got off of it. However, the only things I didn't like were rachel and being strangers yet it seems they know eachother already like I explained before. In retrospect it makes sense, but at the time just seems confusing. I also thought that the dialogue lacked in a few areas, but it was great in most cases. I also didn't like the ending much. I thought it could have been a lot better. I personally would have done the ending differently. But all and all it's definitely one of the best I've read. A very exciting read. Good job.

Hey Sryknows,

Thanks for the read/review. And the encouraging words.

The first scene with Rachel and Yellow Eyes: it was written as though just dropping in in the middle of their little get together. My intention was for the reader to assume they had already been there a while and had already talked since meeting that day. Obviously, I didn’t quite succeed. Hmmm.

I would be interested to know how you would have ended it. Because I’ve had mixed feelings about it. The current one is my favorite so far but some have said they wanted something more concrete. It’s a hard balance. One way, someone says they want a more literal ending. Then, if you make it too literal…what to do. What to do.

I appreciate your feedback and suggestions,


Breanne

I got that that was probably what you meant from the first scene from rachel and yellow eyes and figured that they just talked a bit , but I just don't think that they'd know so much about eachother from just that little amount of time. I think that's an easy fix though, either by just mentioning that she's met yellow eyes once before or something or just taking out the line where she says that he always talks about torture, which is the one I think you should do. Again, just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.

In regards to the ending, I usually don't like giving endings because it's kindof like I'm writiing their work, you know. Which probably means that I'd make it worse, ha ha ha. But I just felt like, we get to know the characters so well, that it being just a dream in yellow eyes' mind, that it's just more of a disappointing blow rather than an interesting twist. If that even is the ending, I hope I'm not wrong, but I think it was supposed to be his dream, right? If I'm wrong I feel pretty stupid. But I think that your character develpment is so good, that it is actually kind of a handicap with that ending. Because I identified so much and felt so sorry for Rachel that I didn't want her to be just an abstract. These are great characters, and I feel that there should be some sort of closure with them. because they just kinda fade away after yellow eyes goes on his rampage. I just think it's missing out an a big opportunity to finish the stories. And the last half of the screenplay being basically just a giant hallucination, I think bringing it back into reality is more unexpected than what you ended with. Because you drop enough hints  during his hallucinations that it's just someone's dream and what not, so that is what I was expecting, but thought it was too obvious, and then it ended up being the ending, and I was like Huh? okay. It sufficed but thought it could have been better. Or even if it is a dream, somhow you should go back and address that scene with Julia, and the rest and at least revisit that. I think the magic scene where yellow eyes was doing the magic tricks was a great metaphor that he killed Rachel and Julia, and think killing Rachel would be actually a happy ending, because that's kinda what she wanted, Not to exist. But I'll stop there. Like I said I don't want to write it or nothing it's your story, you can do what you want, that's just my humble opinion. But I did really like it though, aside from the minor disagreements. I'll probably end up checking out your other stuff sooner or later too. Kill the person next to you will probably be next whenever I get around to it. But keep up the good work. I hope I was clear enough to get what I was saying.

Quoted from Steve-Dave …I just felt like, we get to know the characters so well, that it being just a dream in yellow eyes' mind, that it's just more of a disappointing blow rather than an interesting twist.

It seems that quite a few people think the last third of the story is just a dream. I think of it more as a sort of insane hallucinogenic perversion of reality.



****SPOILERS****



****NO! REALLY! *** SERIOUS SPOILERS!****




****Absolutely do NOT read this if you have not read the script!****




****Do NOT read further if you do not want to know what is really happening!****




****LAST CHANCE****




*****************************************************

The story is real. Every bit of it. It is told through skewed perception. In some cases, the sequence of events is not chronological - for example, the bodies are found at the beginning.

1) The first third is “real.” It includes the events leading up to the “gathering” of the characters.

2) The second third is hallucinogenic. The characters’ worldviews and past experiences fuse with their present hallucinations and they begin to lose grip with reality.

3) In the last third, Yellow Eyes completely loses his sanity. From that point on, the sequence of actual events is skewed to his perception. The events are the same events that would occur following a murder/suicide but are seen through Yellow Eyes’ deranged mind. The sequence of events in a “real” murder would be:

a) murders committed
b) bodies discovered
c) culprit (who survived) wakes up in hospital
d) murderer is put on trial
e) murderer is sentenced
f) murderer’s sentence is carried out - this is when he sees Rachel again - who’s already dead.

This is what happened to Yellow Eyes, the same as with any murder case. Only it was seen though his “yellow” eyes.

Yellow
adj
(one definition) - sensationalist: using scandalous or sensational material, often greatly exaggerating or distorting the truth. See also yellow journalism or yellow press

****************************************************


I hope that makes it better and not worse.


Brea

I get it now, and it is pretty clever. But just still think that the incident should be revisited at some point in some way to get a little more closure and make things a little more clear. But like I said, just an opinion.

Quoted from Steve-Dave I...just still think that the incident should be revisited at some point in some way to get a little more closure and make things a little more clear.

I agree. I’ll work on it. And thank you for your help.


Brea

*DISCLAIMER*  This is the first time I've dedicated feedback to print, or pixels for that matter.  So don't take anything as sage advice.  Also my spelling and punctuation/grammar aren't so hot.  Bear with me.

I read this script a few days ago and again today.  Here are a few notes I took.

POSSIBLE SPOILER


There were a few places where I felt dialogue wasn't because the character's actions spoke clearly enough.

* pg. 2 or 3 - The Maintenance man stumbles back to his truck after finding a carcass  
   in the road.  There are several, "Oh my God's" dispersed here.  I feel just his
   stumbling back to the truck portrayed his excitement.

* The fight scene between Mud Boy and Hal on pgs. 6-10 depicts Hal as a bully who
   belittles his son and Mud Boy's Mother's attempts to stick up for him.  Her line, "He's
   just a boy.  You're a grown man." seemed a bit cliche.  Here, again, I feel action
   could speak louder than words.  His mother could simply try to jump between the two
   and Hal could then push her to the ground, making Hal appear more of a bully.  He
   could then make the "mother and daughter" comment and the scene could
   commence from there.

* On pg. 12 Yellow Eyes smashes his guitar.  On the following pg. Birdie asks, "What
   happened to your guitar?  It's all over the living room."  I think the last line can be
   omitted since the action was shown in the previous scene.  It seems unnatural to
   have one character tell another what he already obviously knows.  

* On pg. 10 Harold tells Birdie, "You're in college."  Again, one character stating an
   obvious fact to another.  

I think the characters of Trevor and Julia tend to say exactly what's on their minds.  I  
  think a little dimesnion could be added to them by having them say what they mean
  with a little more subtext or just omitting some dialogue for actions.  

* At the end of the scene of pg. 6 Julia says, "I can't wait to have a baby."  This is of
   course to tell that she's pregnant and can't wait for a baby.  Just to make it a little
   more interesting she could instead rub her pregnant belly.  This accentuates the
   point and the scene without her saying exactly what's on her mind.

* On pgs. 42 and 43 Julia says to Trevor, "Oh my God, Trevor."  I think these lines
   could be omitted because it's obvious she's scared as she's clutching to Trevor.  
   Also, when a couple refers to each other by their first name it seems a bit formal.

* On their way out of the park Julia also insists on going to the bathroom before they
   leave.  This seems a bit odd since she was just scared out of her wits.  Maybe she
   could suggest going into the rest center to call the police.  

To encapsulate all this I just think it's better to show than tell when possible.

I felt there were a few unnecessary wrilys (actor's instructions).  Here's a few I noticed.

* pg. 25 - MUD BOY (annoyed) "Why do you always have to talk like a fag?"

* pg. 25 - RACHEL (defensively) "Who the hell are you?"

* pg. 27 - RACHEL (confused) "What the hell is a Mud Boy?"

* pg. 33 - RACHEL (panicky) "I think there's something wrong with this shit."

I think the wrilys could be omitted in these cases because the character's dialogue's
   clearly identifies their emotions.

I was a bit confused about the asteriks.  Anything to slow down a read is better off not
  being used.  

Also when rhyming a / is accpetable to show the rhyme scheme.  Eg:

                                          BARD
                             I'm a poet/and didn't
                              even know it.

The above suggestions may seem trifle and they are.  There wasn't a whole lot to suggest.  The dialogue was very well written.  The characters were solid (especially Yellow Eyes).  The time manipulation was perfect (I felt in good hands).  The back story's explained a lot in a short amount of time and built instant identification with the character's.  The description's were very vivid yet to the point, which made it an easy and easily pictured read.  The plot was coherent but unpredictable.

A few things I really liked were the bird/cat scene, the cop shooting himself, the grass hopper scene, the magician scene.

To me the most visual picture I got was on pg. 78 when the Doctor tells John (Yellow Eyes) that he has a parasitic worm in his brain.  That image would make a great poster.  

This is the only screenplay I've ever read twice (other than my own) because it was good enough to read twice.  Very nice piece of work.  Cheers.

Hi Colligulas,

Thank you for reading and taking the time to offer helpful suggestions. I can’t argue with any of your criticisms so I’ll just respond to a few specific things:

Quoted from chubs mcgonigal At the end of the scene of pg. 6 Julia says, "I can't wait to have a baby."  This is of  course to tell that she's pregnant and can't wait for a baby.  Just to make it a little more interesting she could instead rub her pregnant belly.  This accentuates the point and the scene without her saying exactly what's on her mind.

I felt that the rubbing of the belly was already so common in films. I was trying to capture the way people jump from one subject to another suddenly in mid conversation. I’ve noticed in real life that people don’t usually stay focused on a subject but really just sort of jump from subject to subject. At least that’s what I was trying to do and accomplish two things at once by revealing the pregnancy. I failed of course.

Quoted from chubs mcgonigal On their way out of the park Julia also insists on going to the bathroom before they leave.  This seems a bit odd since she was just scared out of her wits.  Maybe she could suggest going into the rest center to call the police.

Good point. That scene resulted from cuts. Originally, she had to go to the bathroom for reasons related to her pregnancy. You’re absolutely right that it is unnecessary and I’ll remove it.

Quoted from chubs mcgonigal I felt there were a few unnecessary wrilys (sic.).

You’re absolutely right. Looking over it again, there are way too many. The wryly is a device I’ve abandoned altogether on my next project. I pretty much write straight description and straight dialogue now. The better I get as a writer, the less I need such devices. Thank you for pointing this unnecessary over-usage out to me.

And again, thank you for your time and input. It’s very appreciated. It will be (and has already been) used.


Brea

Just finished reading your script (well documenteted) and I’m a bit bewildered. It was as good as unusual. You have good characters (with good names) and it is constructed as a Chinese puzzle. I like the way movies are made like this. I really like Rachel’s character and I think you could deepen her part. Funny, but I found she was the main character of the story, everything looking like turning around her. She’s touching, emotive and we do care for her.

***SPOILERS****

I won’t dissect your script as others because I’m not sure I’m competent enough to do it (I have enough problems with mines) anyway, many questions have crossed my mind: is Rachel free to come and forth from the psychiatric hospital? What happened to Julia at the end? Who pay for the drugs the three guys are on?

I don’t think you have to explain everything about the child failure of Yellow Eyes through a flashback. When he meets the priest in the hospital, their conversation is enough. The griefs Yellow Eyes tells the priest, we’ll already know them.

At the end of page 6, I think you can just let Julia says “I can’t wait to have THE (or OUR) baby” and we’ll just understand she’s pregnant.

Hope all this will be helpful to you and I would be interested to have your feminine point of view about some of my scripts submitted here.
Michel  

Michel, thanks for the input.

Quoted from michel …is Rachel free to come and forth from the psychiatric hospital? What happened to Julia at the end? Who pay for the drugs the three guys are on?

Rachel is an outpatient - yes, that’s someone who has to report to the hospital for treatment but is otherwise free to leave.

Julia was murdered by Yellow Eyes.

I don’t know who paid for the drugs. I suppose they each pitched in.

Quoted from michel I don’t think you have to explain everything about the child failure of Yellow Eyes through a flashback. When he meets the priest in the hospital, their conversation is enough. The griefs Yellow Eyes tells the priest, we’ll already know them.

That would mean there would be no knowledge of Yellow Eyes’ motivation until the very end. I would think it would hurt his character for none of his actions to be understood until near the end? Hmm. I’ll have to think about that.

Quoted from michel Hope all this will be helpful to you and I would be interested to have your feminine point of view about some of my scripts submitted here.

All input, good or bad, is helpful as long as it’s meant to be constructive. And I appreciate your suggestions. Again, thank you. And I’ll add your work onto my list. Be patient. As you can see, I’ve had quite a few reads already but I eventually get to returns. And I give preference to people who’ve read my work so you’re on my list.

Thanks,

Brea