Just glancing over it, Id say that you don't need to shorten it since it's not really a montage.  It just looks like more of the script.  Here's the montage example from the Screenwriter's Bible

MONTAGE - BILL AND SUZY HAVE FUN TOGETHER

-- They run along the beach.  Suzy raises her countenance against the ocean spray.

-- They bicycle through a park.

-- Bill buys Suzy ice cream at a small stand.  She stuffs it into his face.  The patrons chuckle.


Basically, it's just three brief descriptions that show a passage of time, while establishing a relationship between the two, that could take place over one day or a few.

I'll take a more thorough look at what you have and see if I can condense it, but it shouldn't be too bad.

Yea soldier what you posted seems to just be more of the script and not a montage every montage i have written or read in other scripts has been in the format Mike just showed or if the montage takes place in one specific area i have seen it like this:

INT. Bowling alley - Montage

Joe bowls a strike giving an emphatic fist pump.

Julie goes to bowl but throws a gutter bowl and falls backwards laughing.

Bob takes a bite of greasy pizza and chases it with beer.



I hope this helps, 2 pages is very long for a montage imo, but reading over what you posted it dosent really appear to be your traditional montage so it may work as is but if you really want a Rocky like montage then your gonna need to shorten it.

Here is the montage that I opened my screenplay, The Burnout with.  I post, in part, to whore the script.  But it also shows how a montage should be written:

FADE IN:

EXT.  TIMES SQUARE - MONTAGE -NIGHT

Theme restaurants and shops line the tourist-filled streets.

Happy families leave the Lion King Theater.

Police cars race down the street, away from the tourist area.

A car alarm WAILS on a side street.

Four guys drink beer outside a burned-out storefront.

A teenager scores a nickel-bag from a friend.

END MONTAGE.

I have six different shots, each only one line long.  Together, they go somewhere and tell a little story.  Together, we're talking about thirty seconds of screen time.

A montage should be short and sweet.  Hit the reader/viewer fast; hit 'em hard.  Get on with your story.


Phil

Quoted from Shelton Just glancing over it, Id say that you don't need to shorten it since it's not really a montage.  It just looks like more of the script.  Here's the montage example from the Screenwriter's Bible MONTAGE - BILL AND SUZY HAVE FUN TOGETHER -- They run along the beach.  Suzy raises her countenance against the ocean spray. -- They bicycle through a park. -- Bill buys Suzy ice cream at a small stand.  She stuffs it into his face.  The patrons chuckle.

i read that in the bible last night.

Well previously(not now) i had thought a montage was just a sequence of various short scenes, ussually with a music theme in the back.

I don't want to convey that part of the script as slow individual scenes, i want them to all be linked together with an overall theme, is there anything anyone suggests

Well previously(not now) i had thought a montage was just a sequence of various short scenes, ussually with a music theme in the back.

I don't want to convey that part of the script as slow individual scenes, i want them to all be linked together with an overall theme, is there anything anyone suggests

heres a new one i just wrote, whatdya think


MONTAGE -  SEVERAL DAYS OF VARIOUS OPERATIONS

- Whole squad lays down ammunition at enemies, above on a rooftop Remo picks them off with a sniper rifle, calm stern exspression.

- Remo plants several exsplosives on the left side of a building, one of his comrades Zach plants exsplosives on the right side of the building. The two converge together running away, the exsplosives detonate, the buidling implodes into itself.

- Remo runs down an alley, taking out various with single shots. Emerging from the alleys into a vast battle zone, his comrades pinned down under fire. Remo releases several bursts of fire, after a minute of exchanging gun fire, the enemies are taken out.



- In a dark building, Remo charges several enemies with automatic fire, screaming "Arghhhhh"

- In a urban warzone, Remo's comrade hands him a neon device. Remo takes off charging down the street at an incredible speed, headed toward a moving tank. Ducking udner the barrel of the tank, Remo places his foot on the tank, propelling himself ontop. Tossing the neon device into the cockpit, Remo takes off running, the tank blowing up in the backround.  

That's certainly more of a montage I would say.  

Some things that I would maybe change to cut it down even more is is the second part, split it up into two shots, one of the explosives being planted and the other of the building exploding (explosives don't cause implosions).  in between the two, the two converging can be cut out.

"after a minute of exchanging gun fire" - that's certainly a way to kill a montage.  I'd just take that small phrase out completely.

You're last part is a little long, I would suggest cutting it up even more.  You can probably get rid of the running down the street part.  Also, "the tank blows up in the BG" I think works better for the last part.

-Pat

I have a feature that I am currently rewriting.  Towards the end, I have a training montage of sorts (ala Rocky).  I've written montages before, but this one is a little different.  

All of the training takes place in the gym, but I want to show it out of order.  Such as:  man does push ups, man lifts weights, man continues pushups, man runs up bleachers, man lifts more weights.  Kind of jumping back and forth like that.

Currently, I have it written as such:

MONTAGE

GYM -- #1
Man does push ups two-handed.

GYM -- #2
Man bench presses a tremendous weight.

GYM -- #1
Man continues push ups, now one-handed

GYM -- #3
Man runs up bleachers.

END MONTAGE

I know this probably isn't an excepted way to write this, but could anyone show me a clearer and more concise way to do it?

Thanks,
Jonathan

Hmm...

BEGIN MONTAGE - JACK'S TRAINING

INT. GYM - DAY

Jack, moist, does two-handed push ups.

Jack, kinda sweaty, bench presses twice his body weight.

Jack, soaked, does more push ups.

Jack, drenching in sweat, runs up and down the metal bleachers.

END MONTAGE

INT. GYM LOCKER ROOM - DAY

Jim, exhausted, lies back on a bench. He squirts a water bottle all over his face and chest.
***

That's how I'd do it. Yay? Nay?

This is what Robert McKee had to say about montages in his book ‘Story’.

Quoted Text The high energy of such sequences is used to mask their purpose: the rather mundane task of conveying information. Like the Dream Sequence, the montage is an effort to make undramatized exposition less boring by keeping the audience's eye busy. With few exceptions, montages are a lazy attempt to substitute decorative photography and editing for dramatization and are, therefore to be avoided.

It occurs at a very important part of my script and is something that cannot be taken out.  Since there is some dialogue mixed it, is it possible to just write it this way:

INT. GYM -- NIGHT

Man does push ups.

LATER

Man bench presses.

LATER

Man runs up stairs.

I guess I just need to write what he does and let the director worry about piecing the scenes together, in or out of order.

I think your second example's fine.

So am I to assume you guys disagree with Mr McKee?

There are some movies with great montages. One that comes to mind is THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. One bad one is RENT. The monologues are pointless in that one.

I like them as long as there's a point to them. Most amateurs write them with no point - just to advance the plot or get to the next week, or whatever.

I don't give screenwriting books, or the people that spew them, much credit. I've learned more from reading scripts than I did from McKee's book, or David Trottier's "Bible".

(EDIT: Haha, of course I was writing this right when ABSteel posted)

I dug out and checked David Troittier's "The Screenwriter's Bible".

He doesn't say anything negative about the use of Montages. Following Quotes are from his book.

Quoted Text A MONTAGE is a sequence of brief shots expressing the same or similar idea, such as passage of time, or a stream of consciousness.

Quoted Text Similar to the MONTAGE is the SERIES OF SHOTS, consisting of quick shots that tell a story. They lead to some dramatic resolution or dramatic action, whereas a MONTAGE focuses on a single concept.

Judging from what you want to do, I think you should stick to a montage. Troittier gives a few formatting examples (I edited them for length):

MONTAGE - SUZY AND BILL HAVE FUN TOGETHER

-- They run along the beach

-- They bicycle through a park

-- Bill humps Suzy

Or if you want to add the locations:

MONTAGE - SUZY AND BILL HAVE FUN TOGETHER

-- A beach - They run along the beach

-- A park - They bicycle through a park

-- In bed - Bill humps Suzy

You can even put the location in CAPS, slug-style.  I, personally, like the second example the most.

By the way, in your original post, you differentiate between 3 gyms. Is that necessary ? If so, then you could use the second example to implement that, using locations.

Hope this helps,

Yves