Funny Bee, I think you're right...I could go on and on about what's missing here, what in now way is working, etc.  I'm trying really hard to stay within the rules, and wait, but it is difficult.  Your point is well taken though and I was thinking the same thing over and over that at some point, we're going to have to haev an adult involved...a parent, a cop, anyone!  But no, nothing...just some Scooby Doo type detective work by Alex.

Luckily, Monday Night Football is coming on, so I can hopefully restrain myself a bit.

I am interested in hearing a bit more detail on people's first impressions though.

Okay, seems like you guys are ready to move on to story/structure/plot.

I agree with a lot of the comments so far.
I agree that the absence of adults hurts this badly. I also think Cornetto's point about them being wholesome kids dealing with a SERIOUS subject. Serial rapist! Also agree with Sandra too.

Story wise I guess George's logline "When a jock forces himself on the newfound love of a school nerd, the nerd must find a way to prove his innocence against the jock's accusations." sums it up pretty good. It's not original or fresh, but it's a plot that could work. It is in the telling of this story that this doesn't work as good as it could. This is where some of the major "unrealistic" things took place IMO.

I got a feeling this was sort of a nice community, not too big, but not a small village either. Something similar to what happened to Laura happened earlier in my town (250,000) and it was all over the local news for months. In this script it's treated as nothing that serious at all. ... hello!! a young girl being beate and raped to the point she ends up in a coma!!!  I had huge issues with this.

I had other issues too, but I have to go serve dinner now... bbs  

The question's come up about adults not figuring in the script. In many children's books, for the purpose of entertainment and because of limited time elements, parents only exist for a few reasons: (ha-ha! That's probably in real life too!) to pay the bills, to serve some food, and to do some cleaning up.

To make this script a little more balanced by adding in an adult now and then makes sense. Of course, they only need to poke their nose in enough to prove they're around.

As far as the police investigation goes: I don't know what you could do to make it more realistic. How about foreshadow it as something the town thinks is Laura's fault. Like show her dressing in tight short skirts and have the town be in the biggest Bible belt community around. Show the people frowning at such an outrage.

If perhaps, this was a closed community of Mormons or such, then a girl doing this would indeed be frowned upon and people would figure "she" was responsible for leading him on.

If police entered the community as kind of outsiders and listened to testimonies that placed  Laura at fault, then this might change the way the case is handled.

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale Although Alex drinks vodka fom a bottle and smokes pot in his bedroom, while his Mom is downstairs may lead us to believe this, to me, it's just another example of an incredibly poorly thought out story. These kids come off as affluent types, living in a nice area.  They don't swear at all, don't seem to have cell phones, never text each other, but they all seem to have sex like it's a natural act for 16 and 17 year olds.  The way they talk sounds like they're from a fairytale.

In the first part of your post, I wouldn't go that far.  I know a lot of people who get away with worse stuff than that in their own bedroom, or in their basement for that matter.  Some parents are just plain oblivious, but some are also lenient, or just don't care -- maybe if you started throwing it in their face -- then things would change.

The second part.  Besides the lack of foul language, I never even took notice for the other things that are missing such as the cell phone/texting.  every teen has a cell phone and is usually on the text.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Is the trade off worth it though? Slabby I noticed you neglected to mention the police. I see where you coming from, but also that’s a cope out because it’s, I don’t want to say easier writing aloof parents, but it is easy when they appear to be completely absent. Even if I accept that premise that still doesn’t explain the cops and investigation. And I’m not literally present on screen, but I don’t feel them at all. A girl was raped there is no cops or investigation even in subtext.

Yeah I did forget to mention the police.  It is a very grave and humorless situation-- the girl being raped and almost beaten to with an inch of her life.  

I think law enforcement needs to have a bigger part in this too.  We should at least see some hard interrogation scenes at least.

I think George does make a big issue over the rape portrayed through the Alex, Jenna, and Colin characters. I remember a scene where I think where one character heard from another character about the rape. It was a telephone scene.

But I think George couldn't go deeper into it since
A. budget reasons if he ever wants to make it into a film
B. It gets too much characters involved. If the detective was included, then George would need to provide some (didn't complete this thought...lol) information on him. Too much things to remember in my opinion. Even for secondary characters.  

His point was to focus on these 5 characters (Brad, Alex, Jenna, Colin, and Kelsey) which I think he did a good job on. Jenna, Colin, and Kelsey serve as the town I guess in way since they react to the bad news. You don't need a group of people or news to portray how the town reacts. These characters are sufficient, and they handle it in their own ways.

For example, Kelsey, a prior victim, is devastated. She can't tell no one because in fear of being hated by the sister and being frowned upon in society if her allegations is found not true. Brad is a serial rapist in terms of he has done this before because the reader knows, but unless Kelsey or any other victim character come up and say it in the script, he can't be charged. As George pointed out in the park scene, Brad could blame someone else and he has money, which he says in the jail scene.    

The story revolves around Alex. It's his story. We start off with him and we end with him. I'm talking too much and it's going take me a load of time to answer every remark...lol. So, I'm leaving it here for the time being.

I agree with you to a point Gabe, but the characters reactions should be a LOT stronger. As it is written right now, it seems like something minor'ish that has happened to Laura. It's barely mentioned. Everyone should be terribly upset. They should go visit her or at least talk a lot more about how hard it was to go visit her in the hospital.
Like someone said earlier, it all seems very convenient what happened to her.

This script is very short so there's lots of room for George to expand on these things.

Point taken Pia. Maybe Kelsey should visit Laura or George should show a news paper with the headlines commenting on what happened. And obviously, maybe have Alex visit Laura, or make Alex make an attempt to visit her.

George's got 20 more pages of room to expand on these things.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Geez.... I really hate to say this, but I recommend you reading it first bert.

Yeah... just my lazy way of trying to contribute without having read the script.

You can issue a penalty beating later if you want.

I do hope I can find the time to check it out.

It's a short read, Bert...youc an get through it in literally an hour.  You really should read it and let us know what you think.

I really don't enjoy being so negative, and I never want to upset or put anyone down, but this script isn't what I was expecting...or hoping for at all.  I'm literally stunned by its ineptitude.

Just got through reading it...

First impression...it missed the mark...but now that I have said that...I do believe it could easily be cleaned up...the main premise of the story is there...it just needs some work.

I don't want to beat an already "dead horse" here (from all the other posts)...so I will wait until we get into more of the "meat" of this discussion.

George...I think you should have had a female to collaborate with!   

Quoted from Grandma Bear I agree with you to a point Gabe, but the characters reactions should be a LOT stronger. As it is written right now, it seems like something minor'ish that has happened to Laura. It's barely mentioned. Everyone should be terribly upset. They should go visit her or at least talk a lot more about how hard it was to go visit her in the hospital. Like someone said earlier, it all seems very convenient what happened to her. This script is very short so there's lots of room for George to expand on these things.

I completely agree with you Pia and the thing is:

Even though I was thinking these exact thoughts, there was a side to the story that "helped" me to overlook it. That's really strange!!!!

But yes!!! I was thinking: Where is the action? How come nobody is going after Brad? Don't they have the evidence that he's the one? Are the police a bunch of dim-wits?

Nevertheless, the story carried itself well I thought. And this fact probably proves that timed and structured events hold weight in our minds even if logicality (is there such a word?) doesn't.

Right now I'm staying with the two characters of Alex and Brad as being the main characters. I'd like to see the girls taking up a lot less space in the script.

This has already been a very interesting learning experience for me.

Thank you George.

Sandra

Quoted from Grandma Bear Okay, seems like you guys are ready to move on to story/structure/plot.

So are we moving on to the story/structure/plot portion of discussion?

Yes, that's what Pia has indicated, but I think if others are joining in late, we're still ready to be in "First Impressions" mode which I think was an excellent way to begin.

This is a way for us to take a long shot of the film and describe it from a grand perspective before we start getting into the little nit picks.

One thing I do notice with these threads:

They do move quickly. It's Monday and I'm not late, but I've missed a whole pile already I can see-- go figure.

Sandra

I know it might be moving fast, but I also know George will jump in next Monday and can't wait to do so. I think from the previous SC we've seen that once the author chimes in to "explain" the script, the discussions die down.

IMO a script is not complete or successful if it needs to be explained. Studio readers don't contact authors to find out what they meant by this or that. Right now this script needs some help and I think that's what we are here to do. Trying to figure out why this isn't working as it is.

Regarding the structure, I don't have a problem with it. Sure, there's nothing new or fresh here, but as a plot it works okay.

Hero is "friends" with villain.
Hero meets girl.
Villain rapes sister of villain's girlfriend.
Villain rapes hero's girl.
Hero is wrongly accused.
Hero proves villain did it.
Villain has to come to terms with what he's done.
Hero and girl start a relationship. (walk into the sunset so to speak)

It's pretty basic. If this structure is a Christmas tree, it's a decent one. It's when George went to decorate it that he screwed up some. He just needs to remove some of the ornaments, add a few new once and add some dazzle to it.

PS. If anyone tells me I have a short temper then...then... then I'm gonna get mad!!  

My problem was how the villain comes to terms with it. I don't think he would give up so easily. There needs to be more tension at that scene when Brad confronts Jenna.